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Everything that can go wrong.

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Everything that can go wrong.

Postby findingmyownself » Tue May 29, 2018 3:30 am

So, I've been dealing with my second divorce lately and I've been put in the unfortunate position of having to deal with my inner demons unleashed in full force.

I'm a 37 years old male, molested at least 5 times by two adults close to my house and later used as bait for the abuse of another younger kid which to this days haunts me even more than what I endured.

At pre pubescence I lost part of my front teeth, developing an inferiority complex due to that fact and low dental hygiene due to miscare from my father. He used to physically mistreat my mother and was an alcoholic. Never abused me or mistreated me asides of the ocassionall verbal insult. When my mother left at young age I decided to stay in his house to take care of him. (big mistake)

My teenage years went by a little better since I decided to work with his family, a cousing of his which tried to help him by giving him work. I loathed every minute of that job, but nevertheless by being there I felt I was helping him and I ended up receiving my college tuiton from it.

At this age I became romantically involved with a friend of my sister which was 8 years older than me. A girl from a broken home, I became involved with her because of a mixture of having sex and being some sort of emotional care taker to her. It didn't go well When I fell in love with another person years later, as she became visibly upset and tried to break me and this person apart by lying, slandering and insulting. All things I would understand a few years later.

I separated from this person, and in college I became involved with her again fathering a child.

I became divorced two years after my child was born, and although we are separated, I made sure to look for my son everyday, and to give him everything he needs economically. I've also made sure she's got all that I can help her with in that sense, which damaged my second marriage. Today this person what I would call my Only friend as she is the only person to always be there for me.

fast forward 5 years, and I'm divorced because I couldn't maintain my relationship with another girl due to the fact that I've always felt guilty for leaving the previous girl behind and felt I was abandoning my son, even though I never ceased to see him everyday.

I do well reasonably for a person my age salary wise (although I don't have much asides from my car an salary) but I'm worried I'm ###$ up beyond belief and I'm just now realizing it. at 37, divorced and with this long list of misfortunes I feel like there's little to expect from Life.

Even with this odds against me though, I've set myself some goals to meet in the next 10 years to make sure I have what I need economically speaking and on my own person to be able to finally form a stable family to provide my kids with some stability, if you can call anything in my life stable that is. Do you think I'm beyond repair or that what I'm setting myself to is atainable?

Anyway, I just need to vent and to see what people with similar experiences or insight might tell me.
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Re: Everything that can go wrong.

Postby ChasingDreams » Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:06 pm

Hi. Some of the things you said really resonate with me. I don't think anyone is beyond repair and no human is perfect - we all have our flaws. That is not to say I have days when I don't hate myself and feel disgust at myself for things that were done, that I allowed to happen, and that I did. However much I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault, I am not sure I will ever believe it. I too have a son and he is my biggest reason to keep going and keep trying to make things better.

I wish you all the best, you sound like you have done an amazing job of keeping things together through horrible times.
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Re: Everything that can go wrong.

Postby plutonian » Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:04 pm

I don't think you are beyond repair, or that something is wrong with you or your life. Most of us have stories that make other people cringe and it's not fair to compare your real life to the dreams you have about the life you wish to have. It's just life and it's full of downs, more downs than ups. It's just the way it is.

The fact that you are able to admit your mistakes and carry their weight is enough. There are many people who won't be ready to do that and may even make other people pay for that. I know many people who can't face their own wrongdoings and not only that, but they often find a way to blame other parties to make themselves feel better.

You are an okay guy, it's all a part of your life. You are fine as long as you are learning from your mistakes
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