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I'm stuck

Postby Toothsnaggles » Mon May 21, 2018 5:40 pm

Hello everyone in new here and I need help
First a little bit about myself. Im a 23 year old diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 years ago but I've suffered for a long time
A little history.
I was abused as a kid by two of my cousins once at 5th grade and once at 7th grade and one of them bragged and his family found out and blamed me for it so I started selfharm from around 9th grade few years later around 17 I was in a different country was seeing a guy and he wanted sex and waited till I turned 18 I didn't particularly like the act but it was in consent. A year later he started verbally abusing me and even began physically assaulting me and would have sex with me when his friends were over just to humiliate me he once told me he let them touch me when I was asleep he also did rape me once I try not to talk about that but I had no one so I stayed out of fear. Anyway I dumped him after gaining new friends but my mental health took a bad turn after those years.
Currently I have a new guy been seeing him for 2.5 years and I love him to bits but my insecurity is taking a toll on us. He loves me deeply and knows my past and has accepted me but he is starting to loose faith in me I hated the idea of marriage but for somereason I really want to marry him and have a family and a house but my depression and mood swings are straining this relationship. For A few months he seemed down and I thought I was causing it because when ever I asked him he would just dismiss it he also has anger issues get angry very bad and says a lot of mean stuff and so I decided to leave him if Im really hurting him and am frustrating him because I was scared I was turning him in to my ex because of my mental illness.. But that decision was bad and I just him and he thinks I believe he's dispensable but it wasn't like that. And now I don't know what to do he's come to hate my depression and my self doubt and self harm issues( I've been trying to stop that) he was the only person who believed I could get better what do I do? Please tell me because my stupid head never makes the right decisions and I hurt the one person I love
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