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i feel weird and i want to know if anyone feels the same...

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i feel weird and i want to know if anyone feels the same...

Postby mil0sz » Sat May 19, 2018 1:03 pm

so, hello everyone. im 18 and since like 2016 i had depression, 4 suicide attempts and self harmed. also health anxiety and social anxiety, but those were undiagnosed, cuz health anxiety kinda resolved on its own, and sertraline helped for social anxiety pretty much.

last year i was in mental hospital for depression. when i left it, i was feeling pretty good. but i had some issues with my friends. i felt ignored and unloved so i had another suicide attempt, and then i was back to the hospital. so yea i went out and went back to school after a year of break and that was ok i guess.

so my problem is that i feel ok. and then i feel not ok. and then ok again. it changes every few hours. it changes between : happy, neutral and depressed as ###$.

when im happy then i want to do things, and think a lot, i get really happy about the future, i feel like i can accomplish everything i want. well, this doesnt last long, so i actually never manage to do anything lmao.

most of time i feel neutral. sometimes it is like "better neutral" sometimes its "worse neutral". In the better i have some motivation, i believe in my abilities, but like it's neutral. im not happy or sad.
and like worse neutral is when i dont care about anything and i just read internets and watch you tube or something like that.

and then there is depressed af. it usually happens at night, or early in the moringn.
it varies. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve anything good, maybe except for death penalty lmao. i had a breakdown yesterday when my parents wanted to give me a present, cuz i thought i didn't deserve it. and i get self harm urges and suicide thoughts.

but lately i have been feeling.. weird. it's like sometimes i feel like im floating in space. like i am a stranger to myself. my memories are so foreign to me. the person i was year ago doesn't feel like me. it's like i have no concept of self anymore. i'm just flesh with thoughts. it is so confusing. i can't say anything about myself, im guessing... do i feel like this? do i experience that? maybe. maybe not. every question about myself i have to think through, the answer just doesn't come to me easily anymore. and everyone wants me to make decisions. it's so frustrating, i cant do that anymore.

im seeing my doctor soon and im afraid, what can i say? i had suicide thoughts 2 days ago, but now im totally fine. no one is gonna believe that. or really, i cant say how i feel, like im obviously not happy, but also not sad or depressed. i just am.

and my interests change so much its annoying. one day i will be interested in cats, the next it will be autism. brain, get your $#%^ together.

soo is there snyone who maybe feels similar?? im so alone ehh
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Re: i feel weird and i want to know if anyone feels the same...

Postby PlanetIcarus » Wed May 30, 2018 5:12 pm

Yeah, I feel the same. If someone asks me if I'm depressed, I can be and not be at the same time, it is just which version do you want to hear. Who do you want to come to answer the question. I have DID, dissociative identity disorder, so to me it's not just different states of mind anymore, but whole developed different identities, you know, with their names and ages and genders and interests.

What you are experiencing sounds a lot like I felt before I was diagnosed and started to understand myself (us). After starting to put pieces back together, so much dots connected in my mind and I discovered the others. They have always been there, I just wasn't fully aware.

Things you are starting to realize may not have as dramatic outcome diagnostically, but still it sounds dissociation. Dissociation is when things are separate and they don't connect like they should, it is not a diagnose on it's own. It can be dissociation disorder, and there are many kind of them also, not just the one I'm having, but dissociative symptoms are common in many other disorders as well. And there are also healthy kind of dissociation people experience every day, and it can increase when they are having too much stress.

It is a coping mechanism, and it becomes a disorder or a symptom, when there is so much of it, it doesn't really have anything to do with what is really happening in your life anymore, so it becomes a problem. So your main problem can be for example being bipolar, but with dissociative symptoms. I can not diagnose you, and diagnose is not even the point, it is just understanding yourself. It is not uncommon what you experience, just not very well known thing. So, go and look for dissociative experiences. There are very many different kind of them, and a lot of people having them.
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Re: i feel weird and i want to know if anyone feels the same...

Postby Greatthinker » Wed Jun 13, 2018 2:36 pm

yeah ,i am feeling same now and for last 20 years. i am atheist ,so i have no hope and belief that everything will be alright, thats make things worse for me. i am taking olanzapine and clonazepam for BPD.
but i am engaging myself in study of consciousness science and its implications. this gave me hope that mental problems and psychological disorders would be solved in future with the understanding of mind and brain.
enganging yourself in social gatherings would help. best luck
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