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I’m in distress and finding it hard to keep going

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I’m in distress and finding it hard to keep going

Postby brokenwizard » Tue May 08, 2018 9:16 pm

Hey guys,

I’ve registered on here because I’m driving myself absolutely crazy with obsessive intrusive thoughts that are taking away all of my happiness.

I was ambitious, intelligent, successful. Then I got into a relationship which lasted for 8 years. My partner belittled me, ignored me, gaslighted me, completely isolated me from the rest of the world. I’ve always been a very gifted painter - since very young. It was my pride and joy in life - my everything. About halfway through that relationship, I painted something amazing - and then had a terrifying thought afterwards (which changed everything forever). The thought was: did I definitely just paint that? The painting felt too good to be something that I could ever create. Even though I knew I’d painted the picture - the thought didn’t stop. I wasn’t proud of my painting, I couldn’t even look at it, because of this doubt that took over my brain. After that, I’d continue to paint and then pretty much destroy my work afterwards - because I’d have the same thought each time (maybe I didn’t paint it. Maybe my crazy partner painted over it in some places to spite me - etc).

The relationship finally came to an end - and I escalated isolation. The doctor diagnosed me with PTSD - with disassociative disorder, caused by the trauma. I’m currently waiting for treatment.

I thought I was finally getting better this year, I was painting again and putting any irrational doubts to the back of my head. I thought I was out of the woods.

Then last week happened. I met my absolute celebrity idol by chance in a restaurant, it was brilliant - and I asked somebody to take a photo of us. (A stranger, who took it on my phone). When I saw the photo - I nearly died. Please bear with me on this part (it isn’t in a big-headed way whatsoever - I’m very distressed by what my brain is doing). Basically, I looked very very good in the photo. And out of nowhere, that awful life-sucking thought has returned. ‘Maybe that’s not me in the picture - it looks too nice to be me’. My jewellery and clothes and pose etc - I recognize it all. My family and friends have all said it’s definitely me. This photo is supposed to be something I can feel proud of and treasure for the rest of my life - my all time hero is it in afterall, once in a lifetime moment. But I’m
finding myself unable to look at it because of the doubts that it’s me in th my picture.

This is not a life and I CANNOT go on like this! I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday. I’m in a bad way - I’m so disconnected from myself that I don’t even recognize my artwork or my own photograph. It’s awful. I don’t see the point of living if I can’t accept the good things that happen in life. This feels like such an evil form of mental illness. It feels stronger than anything. Please help me.
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Re: I’m in distress and finding it hard to keep going

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu May 10, 2018 8:05 pm

Have you tried reading any posts in PTSD forum or the other abuse forums like Domestic Abuse?
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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