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Mental Deterioration

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Mental Deterioration

Postby aabd1713 » Thu Apr 12, 2018 5:05 am

In the past few days, I have been feeling a burgeoning amount of hatred that is warping my beliefs. I am normally a very empathetic and kind person that punishes himself for his constant mistakes and apologizes constantly.

I hurt myself before hurting another person, and I am overly sensitive to criticism. But talking with the person I felt hurt me and reconciling was easy enough. All it took was one conversation and everything would be good.

But that hatred seemed to warp me into a completely different person. I have a very hard time empathizing, and I can't be affected by criticism or even emotions. When my girlfriend or best friend cried, I would feel all their feelings and comfort them genuinely.

But even when my best friend was crying on me, I couldn't feel anything. Even she noted that she said "It didn't feel normal, it didn't feel like you were really there. I feel like you don't really care about me."

I have a history of mental illness, my psychiatrist thinks I am bipolar but I suspect otherwise. I am supposed to be on lithium, but I stopped taking it two days ago. These changes happened before lithium, and have been present in the past without lithium so it isn't medication.

That and my willpower feels boosted, I went back to the gym and train much better and more consistently. I shower regularly, do all my work, and meditate before sleeping. I have much better impulse control and I am much calmer. I don't feel fazed by anything, anxiety, fear, sadness, even my usual depression. Other things I have been doing, the one I find slightly disturbing is I made a list of all the people I have ever known.

Each day I write out what they have done to make me hate them, and I conclude that they are worthless to me. So far I have done 10 people, and I no longer feel the slightest bit of attachment. When I write out the thoughts, it feels like someone is telling me these.

When I hesitate he mocks me and laughs about my weakness, and tells me the truth. Although the truth is painful to swallow, it feels like he is my darker self and he is gradually taking control.

He has had his moments throughout my life, where he took complete control and caused havoc without any mind to the consequences. When I was younger he would make me steal money and cause my parents stress.

But as I grew older he grew calmer and more scheming. To the extent where he never consciously manifested and took control, but rather suggested to me what seemed to be rational decisions. But as of late he seems ambitious since I am dealing with very traumatic repressed memories. He appeared smirking in my mirror mocking me, he appeared in my dreams hunting me down. He corned me in every part of my life, slowly breaking me.

Hahaha, I can feel him right now slowly killing me. I wonder how much longer I have left until I am nothing more than a calloused unemotional monster. When my best friend told me I was fake, it deeply disturbed me. What the hell is going on with me?
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