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Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

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Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

Postby ApprenticeOfGames » Fri Feb 23, 2018 12:28 am

*Trigger Warning*

TLDR/Summary: British 19 year old male. Diagnosed aspie/high functioning autism with suspected schizoid traits (unofficial) Fascination with suicide since a young age, developed into suicidal thoughts/ideation with age. Severe depression atm which started developing start of high school 14-15 years old til now. Mild-Moderate anxiety which is kind of on and off. Not sure how any of these conditions affect me which is a problem in therapy i think?

Lately gave up on the only local free therapy providing place since bad experiences and the extension of the 6 month waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy and general this and that. Other mental health place has no therapy and doesn't think i have any issues worth dealings with :P

Schizoid traits along with having no positive autistic traits along with bad academic experiences have resulted in extreme boredom and me finding life not worth living despite all that i have done to try to counteract this cycle from repeating itself. Tired of slowly having the will to live sucked out of me by various things. Loving parents, recently adopted pet dog and best friend that is there for me have stopped escalation of suicidal thoughts to actions but life is mostly a daily chore to live through doing for me usually at least. Strangely even future plans don't give me all that much hope.

To be honest i might give therapy outside of my local area a try and if i need to go on medication. To be honest this is a bit of a rant and me organising things in my head but any constructive comments of benefit you guys post would be much appreciated if not responded to :P

So the last 6 months my suicidal thoughts seem to have decided to bide their time til i let my guard down and thus i get urges now when i used to just look and imagine me dying without an urge to actually do it. Now while i seem to not really plan out killing myself but more along the lines of accepting the whole idea of committing suicide when i have the ability to do it easier.

Like recently i have been doing advantageous things in life such at eating better exercising and wight lifting, walking my newish dog, experiencing new food rather then the same old, going to a group for transitioning into the adult world as a developmentally disabled young adult and more but it always comes around to an evening of self doubt, muted depressing feelings, strange fascination with the act of suicide and the need to distract myself from all this while my imagination creates more problems there there actually are but seem real enough to me.

Its stupid man i feel alone in the world but also know that i don't want people in my life all that much really the large large majority of the time... This week i have been spending money to treat myself but it not seeming worth it and i just made my family have a less time by going the first time and being an asshole as usual, wanting stuff i can't have with my issues and being incredibly disenfranchised about everything else. I even seem to want to get a job but also not get a job at the same time which makes no sense even with my lazy qualities and boredom is meant to be temporary but i have become bored of my life no matter what i do in it especially lately... :P

Anyways for all that i am not sure what i want with the life i am living, i am sure of one thing and that is despite the effort i put in which is unusual for me there is still a large part of me that wishes to end the emptiness. Meanwhile throughout all this pain the small part that wants to live along with my willpower has been pushing me on . Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it and that feeling has become more and more prevalent despite what i have done in my life just to help me in living a life.

I mean is it so much to ask that i gain some advantages from this crap my conditions throw at me especially as i reach the gate of 20 years old in less then a month, I have achieved fudge all despite the effort i put in due to my abnormalities making anything outside of living at home a steaming pile of crap after i give in for a bit. Been to 2 colleges and both times when i was near finishing a course it was all to much despite me doing an easier course the 2nd time. Outstanding work due months ago, self isolation, worsening anxiety and depression which i couldn't explain to myself let alone anyone else especially authority figures.

Even my creative side is pretty much gone bar the perceived shadow figures which seem to make even the peaceful darkness(my peaceful bedroom) that i feel safe in a nightmare at times. My parents (especially my mum) deserve a better son than me guys. Even my autistic side is useless as i have no good autistic traits and my schizoid traits are not helpful either which makes the disadvantages of these traits that much worse tbh. Sigh I want a good side to this crap i deal with.

Hey i even seem to unconsciously self sabotage my own progress in life which is especially odd. Anyways even without depression and anxiety that i seemed to develop at the start of high school, life wasn't enjoyable from what i remember and even if i had forgotten fun times. They were few and far between as i aged and now i just feel empty and i am not even really sad, the negative emotions are just strands of disappointment beating up my wanna be self reliant self and its weirdly high pride in itself despite everything. its like i want a life but also don't want a life at the same time.

Lately i just seem to tolerate living daily and its not a fun time but not much of anything i do irl is it seems. Man ya know something, the major depressive episode (?something like that) i had time ago was better then this slow burning hell, i am serious here! Oh and i bet you guys reading this are like this guy needs proper professional help like pronto or at least be regularly told by loved ones that he is loved.I sort of agree but here's the kicker though... Wait for it....

Here it is: I know i am loved lots so horayyy for that!!! Nah jk that's not the kicker after all this is:

Okay on a serious note part of this is at least indirectly caused by my local mental health professionals (they might or might not be part of the NHS, well they were free to see at least :P). Here is the full story as told by well... ME (with the biases of well me writing a review off of my personal experiences HA!). It is not a published review by the way as it is too long jsyouknow mods.

(Locations and personal details omitted)

My Review- This was written 6+months before i knew about schizoid personality disorder but it doesn't really matter anyway since its not relevant to this therapy providing service of a place :P

A few days before i went to my appointment. I was sent an email by them with an questionnaire attached for me to complete but it had no address to email it back to once i completed it (had to find out myself how to add ticks on word lol). I don't have a printer and even if i did, i wouldn't waste money on ink for printing this out. I thought they would have physical copies and sure enough they did when i got there.

So anyway i was told i had an appointment and i think i got seen on time. I don't know who i got seen by at all in terms of title, only their name at the time. Were they a counsellor or another type of mental health professional no idea. The introduction was fine but the questions were mostly unrelated to 2 of three of my problems. It was a wellbeing service that seemed to only focus on my problems with life and not so much on how anxiety and depression came into play in this whole life thing.

As a person who finds talking even for short periods hard due to my aspergers. I had to answer all their questions quite quickly. Sure my answers were true but if the person didn't allow me to go in depth, what is the point. For example, i talked about my experience with suicide and jumping off of a 1 story high building to test how tall a building should be to kill myself quickly. I told them i did this twice so i thought they would note this down or something. Don't even get me started on self harm, it was never mentioned, not at all.

Now let me first state that on the questionnaire i filled out at the start, i ticked the nox for nearly every day for *thoughts that you would be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way" the highest number which is 3 and while the number for "over the last week i have made plans to end my life" was a 1 A 1 means that i have made suicide plans over several days in a time frame of a week. Not much discussion on this AT ALL! Anyways the question and answer was fine for the most part (part from the problems i mentioned) but it is the letter i got afterwards that really pisses me off!

The letter stated i got a 20/27 on the PHQ-9 depression test questionnaire (borderline severe depression, i had to google that on patient.info to find that out) and a 13/21 on the GAD7 anxiety test questionnaire (which means moderate anxiety according to patient.info) I also did a i think it was social anxiety test questionnaire after the session and had to give the answers to the person on the phone which was uncomfortable due to again my aspergers :P I could of done it there but i think i wanted out of that building so that is why i took it home if anyone is wondering.

Anyway here comes the big thing: On the letter it stated that i had no suicidal thoughts or any (i think it was self harming) thoughts of harming myself or others (something like that). Sure i would say i wouldn't harm others but harming myself or attempting suicide due to my suicidal thoughts at the time? At least say i had thoughts of suicide or something mental health professional or whatever your title is. Ya know that could trigger a person at a real high risk of suicide. I am serious here!

Oh it also said i knew who to contact if this changes but even if I did it wouldn't be due to them. I swear on my heart they hardly discussed the other services available at all and to presume that I already know and to even state that I know about them when you don't know whether I do or not on the letter is ridiculous. Anything I know of other services is from my own research, my parents, my austism diagnosing sessions or my GP and maybe luton and dunstable hospital

Now I will say that I think I got the only thing that they could get me for my mental health problems which is being on the 6 month waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy. Though all the person on the phone said when I was told about this therapy and another group therapy (that I rejected due to my disliking of being in a room with a multiple strangers and feeling that it won;t help me as much as one to one).

I really don't want to go back here and would go to a different service if I had another choice but at my time in hospital due to a mental health crisis, a member of my area's local mental health team said that it is the only local service that offers free counselling (I presume CNT is counselling). Weren't told much about CNT and I didn't try to ask as I wasn't greatly comfortable with being on the phone for much longer. I tried researching it myself but anyway that is going off topic. So yea I don't recommend this specific place or it services to anyone really especially if you have extra difficulties like me.

Man i am already fed up with the NHS in my local area (i haven't even sought out many services for very long and i am out of options already? ONE service with free counselling, pathetic man) and its pitiful excuse for mental health help. and i can't be bothered to even do the littlest of the hiding of my depression and anxiety anymore.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Fri Feb 23, 2018 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: added a trigger warning; no other changes
A 19 year old diagnosed Aspie with most of the traits of a person with Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Also an aspiring writer of stories. Currently working on finding the motivation needed for this sort of dedicated career but i believe i can get the job done well if ya know what i mean, so yea... Fight on me, fight!
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Re: Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

Postby Jellybeanery » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:47 am

ApprenticeOfGames wrote:To be honest i might give therapy outside of my local area a try and if i need to go on medication.


THIS!! This is only advice I can give.

Frankly, it is complete #######4 that all you told them of your suicide attempts/ideations and they didn't even think of you as a danger to yourself? What the actual ###$?! This place sounds awful, and I highly suggest you seek help elsewhere.

I relate 100% to your feelings of pushing through life, being bored, wanting more but not wanting at the same time, etc.. I actually feel that way now. Not necessarily depressed, because I am not crying or feeling sad, but just feel empty and tired I guess. This would still classify as depression, I suppose. Particularly since the suicidal ideation is there.

So yeah, I would say "this guy needs proper professional help like pronto" because of these suicidal ideations. You obviously have people around you who care about you, and they would be devastated if you acted on it, not to mention nobody deserves to live like this (and you are so young). You deserve a great life. Everybody does.
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Re: Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 3:25 pm

Are you ok, as in are you safe? Is there anyone in 3D you can talk to besides a therapist or counselor? A close friend? Sending hugs, if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

Postby acronymaholic » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:03 pm

It's no fun living in darkness. You can't see anything except the dark. But there is hope for you. If you are willing to give it a try. When dark thoughts come to you in the middle of the day, look up. Seek the light. look around you . Feel the sun on your face. Feel the breeze caress your cheek. If it's a cold day experience the coolness nipping at your nose. Really experience what you are feeling. And think to yourself "it feels so good to be alive!" And any time you have of thought of ending it all think instead it's so good to be alive! Anytime you think about death or boredom or any thing that gets you down, simply change the direction your thoughts are pulling you into. And think over and over again "I'm so glad I'm alive." For that thought when it is repeated will begin to become a habit if you repeat it enough times instead of thinking about your boredom or those thoughts about death.Keep looking up,feeling the sun on your face and the breeze and remember that feeling so you have something to think about instead of those dark thoughts. Think about those real feelings, the feeling of being alive, the feeling of how good it is to be alive. Keep priming your mind with those thoughts over and over again. and over and over again. Until you actually do feel good about being aiive. Every time you think about boredom and death you are creating a vicious cycle of thought, you create a rut in your mind, instead create a path toward the LIGHT and Listen to Inner Good Happy Thoughts Prayers. God loves you
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Re: Suicidal thoughts and tired of life and having to push on

Postby ApprenticeOfGames » Mon Feb 26, 2018 3:13 am

I am fine guys this is normal for me... Anyways i wrote a longer reply but lost it as i didn't save it as a draft so when i tried to post it and i had to re login i lost all of it... Thanks for the replies guys but i am not a person that gets help for themselves. My parents are loving but they don't understand any of the darker realities of depression despite my mother dealing with depression when i was growing up. I ain't burdening my best friend with my issues etc etc... Meh i am tired its 3:08am and this distraction tactic only mildly worked and the fact that i lost my literacy masterpiece of a reply is annoying me :( Mind you i am only sad right now so at least i haven't embraced the thoughts of suicide or self harm for a bit like i sometimes do... A good bit of the lost reply was just negative anyways :P
A 19 year old diagnosed Aspie with most of the traits of a person with Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Also an aspiring writer of stories. Currently working on finding the motivation needed for this sort of dedicated career but i believe i can get the job done well if ya know what i mean, so yea... Fight on me, fight!
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