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My Personal Hel

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My Personal Hel

Postby ares224 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:02 pm

I almost put this in my new member introduction, but I feel it would be better in this forum. Especially since it's going to be a long read, I'm sure.

I don't know what I'm here for, honestly. The best answer anyone could give me, I know, is to seek professional help but I've been down that road more times than I can count. I don't know what's wrong with me. Since the age of 12, I've seen more mental health specialists than a person probably should. In a matter of about 11 years. I consider myself a recovering drug addict, alcoholic, and shopping addict. Just something to make me feel better, even for a few minutes, is something I have trouble stopping. No matter how destructive it may be. I've OD'd and nearly died more times than I can count. I haven't used in about 8 months, and even then it was due to a back injury. I tell myself and those around me I needed it. That may have been true, but I also needed that feeling of release.

I'm "normal" most of the time. Not to say anyone who has any sort of difficulty, be it psychological or physical, isn't normal. I don't feel anything, most of the time. If I look at or think of my parents, my friends, my family....there's nothing there. Okay, that's not entirely truthful. If I think of my father, there's something there. I think it can be called love or admiration, but I'm not sure. When I see people on the news who have committed atrocious acts, I feel nothing. This is "normal" me....feeling nothing. The only time I can feel is when I'm high, drunk, or spending lots of money. I buried myself in debt and I'm just barely managing to crawl out of it. Slowly. No one knows how much debt, but my father does know it's an amount that would probably frighten him. Maybe I'll tell him one day...maybe not.

And my inability to feel something while sober isn't exactly a whole truth, either. There's not a single person on the planet whom I fully trust, because some of my thoughts would sicken a hardened criminal. The closest person is someone who is no longer around. I told that person I would love them, no matter what. I barely managed to talk them down from a suicide, one night. Their future spouse broke them and I lost them.

I don't claim to be a good person. People see me and just think I'm the best person ever. Loyal, thoughtful, highly intelligent, and will do anything to protect those I care about. They're not wrong, but I'm also extremely manipulative and very good at it. There's only two people I've never tried to manipulate: my father and my lost love. I lost my love via email, one last message telling me they were done fighting their spouse. Done with the lying and their spouse's manipulation. They no longer had the will to fight. I lost them and there's nothing I could do. That was nearly 3 years ago and I've a terrible belief that I've lost my father, as well. I've spent days and weeks trying to figure out what I did wrong. I don't know. He won't answer my calls or texts, and going to see him is unfeasible without first contacting him.

I've spent so long lying to everyone about everything. I don't know what's truth or a lie, even to myself, anymore. I'm certain my lack of feelings is the way I've always felt. But I'm not entirely sure, as my memories of before I was 17 years old are fragmented. I was 17 when I found out my mother's spouse was physically abusing her. And I nearly killed them. The most clear memory is lying in bed, awakening to my mother's screams. Walking into the hallway and looking at my mother's spouse and telling them I would kill them....and then police screaming at me. Going back into my room and then nothing.

And make no mistake, I do not mean my father. My father is perhaps the best person I've ever known. A few months ago, he told me he feels nothing most of the time, as well. He called us "part time sociopaths". I'm capable of love, but it's difficult. Even more so without natural chemicals and contact being involved.

I'm so calm, most of the time. Almost all of the time, actually. But I feel like I can flip a switch and move with such precision and deadliness, that I can "remove" threats. Just an hour ago I punched a door frame, repeatedly, to feel something. I rarely feel hunger until I'm on the verge of passing out. It's like my stomach keeps telling my brain "Nah, we're good down here!", and then suddenly my stomach hits the button marked EMERGENCY and tells my brain "If we don't get something down here in the next 20 minutes, we're in trouble!" If I forget how long it's been since I've eaten, it ends with me shoveling peanut butter and other random things in my mouth. Just until I can get some proper food. I constantly have to remember how long it's been since I've eaten, so I usually eat once every 4 to 6 hours.

I'm entirely too bored with life. That's not to say I want to end it all. I still have promises to keep and things to do. But, nothing exciting happens anymore. I think I've spent so long watching people, I've developed the ability to see what people are going to do...long before they do it. I can, and often do, call something before it happens. And not just to myself, but to people around me, so I know it's not a delusion of some sort. Perhaps it aids my manipulations?
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Re: My Personal Hel

Postby acronymaholic » Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:09 am

The problem is that you take all of your thoughts as if every one of them is the truth. Well they may be the truth. But maybe they're not. It all depends on you. And what you are willing to accept as your truth. Are you willing to accept as TRUTH the idea that The Road U (you) Travel Hurts, If so, for how long? How long will you stay on a path or a road that is hurtful to you?
For you have the ability to change directions. You have the ability to change your mind. You have a mind that can choose a different path, a happier path. You have a mind that can choose as your truth anything you want as truth. Isn't is better then to choose as your TRUTH the idea that The Roads U (you) Travel will Help you instead of hurt you. Isn't it better to see life as just a journey where you get to choose what you think, what you feel, what you believe, and what you want? And then choose what makes you happy instead of what makes you miserable. Thoughts go in and out of our mind so fast we aren't even consciously aware of most of them. But it is the ones we are conscious of, the thoughts we consciously choose to believe that can change our lives for the better. When you choose the TRUTH that The Road U (you) Take is Heavenly, you set your mind up to create that kind of life for yourself, And the really fantastic thing about it is ... we each get to choose. We get to choose what we believe, what we think, what we feel, and what we will do. So choose happiness. Good luck!
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Re: My Personal Hel

Postby ares224 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:33 pm

It's funny, but not in a laughing way, that even before I posted this, my thoughts were going all sorts of crazy. They still are. I'm so stressed it's not even funny, and I'm wondering if my recent medical difficulties have attributed, if not caused, it.

There's been times where I thought I would just go to sleep and not wake up, and now I'm thinking that's a real possibility. I can't breathe most days. I get winded just standing in a room. After the weekend is over, I'll be ale to see a doctor and see what's going on. I've had tests done, but it's getting worse so quickly, now, that I'm sure I'm just going to suffocate in my sleep due to not enough oxygen.

I smoked for a very, very long time. But I've been stopped for almost 3 years and now, suddenly, I have breathing problems. That can't be the cause. It's been too long. Perhaps my diet? I have been gaining weight, but I'm not a large person at all. Still skinny, by most standards. Not my own, but too lazy to do anything about it. Can't eat healthier, anyway. My job is very intense and if I try to go back to eating salads and some meat, my blood sugar will drop and I'll risk passing out. It's a highly secure environment and I can't just leave. I wouldn't feel safe without some glucose tablets.

Guess now that I have decent insurance, I'll need to get all the possible medical issues sorted. Like my lack of hunger and my near infallible ability to feel a blood sugar drop if I don't eat every 4 hours, no matter what or how much I eat. Complete with shaking, burning skin, and a sudden very real need to eat everything...
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Re: My Personal Hel

Postby ares224 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 2:33 pm

Just thought I'd toss out an update. I saw a doctor over the chest pain. Tests were clear and doc said I most likely have anxiety, so I was put on Lexapro. I took it for about a month before I tapered off. The side effects were horrendous (I had all of them...which is odd.) and another doc wanted to put me on Paxil but after doing my own research on it, as well as reading some experiences people had with it on several forums (and of Lexapro for general comparison) I decided not to go that route.

The most interesting part of my experience with Lexapro was that it caused hypomania for about a week. That was really fun....

But you know what was more interesting? Normally, I have zero emotion but I try to hide it because that's not something everyone has. People usually possess a bit of empathy. I don't, so in order to blend in (I guess), I fake it. Being on Lexapro made me not care that I have zero emotion. I ended up having to explain to one of my parents about why I was "so cold" towards them.

The other day, I missed work because I accidentally took a Lexapro instead of my sleep aid. (I was very, very tired. I still take the sleep aid, because otherwise I will wake up after a couple hours and then feel like crap in the morning.) I know my boss is going to think I purposely missed work because I didn't want to be there. I kind of want to explain, but I feel like that will devolve into me mentioning that I had zero emotion. Every choice I make at work (or anywhere else) doesn't take feelings into account. I suppose that's why I've always been excellent at jobs. No worries over hurting someone's feelings because I don't know what they feel, nor do I think I would care if I did. It's irrelevant to the situation at hand. Except, it may not be for anyone who isn't me.

Just a few hours ago, I realized something: There are moments in my Hel where I realize, with a newfound curiosity, that I don't control other people. Not everyone is a pawn that I directly or indirectly control. It's a strange thing to think, or to even realize with a shock. Do I go through existence believing I can control people? Yes and no. Directly, definitely not. Indirectly? With some people, it's the easiest thing in the world. With others, probably not without months of cultivation. Is it worth it to spend months and months? Depends on what it is and who it is.

I can see what people are going to do, a very, very long time before they do it. It's rare that I'm wrong and it really sucks to be right most of the time. It makes me wonder....how can I be so good at this? I'm not entirely narcissistic because I don't think I'm the best in existence. Quite the opposite. Hmm...
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Re: My Personal Hel

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:20 pm

You pose a lot of good questions. Perhaps others can relate to what you share about your "zero emotion" and other things you share.

As for medications, it is well known that some people will not experience any of the side effects that are written on the leaflet, or they may experience a few, even several of the side effects all at once. Of course you are the sole person who can make that decision as to which drugs you choose to take (with the help of your psychiatrist) or not to take. Best of luck!
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