by Angel » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:30 pm
12 years ago this June my friend, whom I love and miss DEARLY, took his own life. Was on the phone w/ a friend and shot himself. I won't get into the circumstances as to what led up to all of this or what is said to have been happening in the exchange between he and that friend at the time he pulled the trigger. I can say that he used to talk often w/ his friends, or rather make comments on his feelings of wanting to die. Sadly, no one took him seriously. At that age, 16, you don't thik to take those remarks seriously. So many high..even low drama things take place in young teens life...it's hard for them to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel...meaning....well I can speak for myself on that note because I too grappled w/ suicidal issues...many times over the years including recent years and especially my teen year....at that time for me...when I would make comments to my friends about how I wouldn't be here for such and such or flat out how I just wanted to die....they would chalk those remarks up to a recent break-up...a bad grade in a school subject....social insecurities they knew I had despite my circle of friends, etc. etc. etc. How often do you hear young people make comments only to be totally over whatever brought them down and to the point of such remarks in the first place w/in a few weeks time.....so of course it was hard for people to know our friend meant things in the most literal sense possible? And he had home life issues...they knew that...but so did many other friends they knew. They just couldn't know til it was too late. And oh...I never completed a thought....my friends used to say ...this is highschool..it's going to get better...but yet it was just so hard to see past highschool years. As low as I felt...how could things POSSIBLY get better? I was having a hard enough time in highschool...I couldn't fathom college...a carrier...the idea of marriage or children was not even fathomable. And I too made my suicde attempts. Thankfully I got help and got better. Now I'm 30. I've been married 9 years this summer (w/ this man 12 years in Oct.) and have 2 BEAUTIFUL young daughters. Life has changed for me and no, I'm not saying it's perfect or that I don't have my struggles I still work through. But my perception and understanding of my own situation has changed so much that I can finally enjoy life AND deal w/ things when they are present for me.
This didn't happen for my friend. Sorry I keep shifting gears...but if you are still w/ me...as I was saying...he took his life 12 years this coming June. I know I did this...many who are contemplating suicide try to convince themselves they won't be missed or that anyone who might possibly miss them will "get over it and move on". Well of course you continue living and move past the situation. Life inevitably moves forward. All I can offer up to you is to tell you how much my friend's suicide affected my life. And I was not even in his closest circle of friends. Our connection was more in Jr. High...by the time we reached highschool, we barely saw each other. We still considered each other a friend....we just hung in different crowds and didn't have classes together. Basically we would stop in the hall and chat from time to time. So you could almost argue that by that point...how could I feel so affected by his death? I know he would have had he lived! At the point he took his life...he didn't believe he had anything worth living for and he definetly felt he was worthless and no one would grieve him. Stupid logic. But it's where your head is when you are not getting help. You convince yourself of MANY things that are simply not so. I can't tell you how many times WEEKLY ...sometimes daily...I think of my friend...of where he'd be now...whether or not he'd still be in my life, etc. etc. I think of all the things that could have been for him. I wonder so many "what if" scenarios, you can't begin to imagine. I dream of him sometimes and I awake happy that I could have a moment again w/ him even if only in my head/dreams and I also awake w/ a bit of sadness and regret at the once again present realization that he's truly gone. He can NEVER come back.
I could talk volumes of the pain and loss I feel and I feel that damm near daily. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him...somedays are greater then others mind you. But every time hurts even to this day TWELVE days later!
I don't care if you are a young teen...my story is going out to you for you no matter what your age. But I can't urge you enough to try again and seek out help in dealing w/ all that you have on your plate. Maybe you don't even understand why you feel as you do, you just know how you feel. That was definetly the case for me. But once I started to work w/ a counselor...that is what worked for me...may or may not be your option of choice....I saw things so much more clearly and things just started to turn around for me. I full-heartedly believe this can be for you.
