Depression and Suicide

Sepeaking from personal experience I believe that cutting, on my part, is defintely the prelude to suicide. Two days ago I decided I would commit suicide; not for any specific reason, mainly pertaining to my philisophical views. Anyway, I found that I couldn't kill myself, I had planned to kill myself with a knife. This inability angers me, my life should be mine to end whenever I wish, psychological hinderances to this act merely show the weaknesses in my mind. As a result, I began cutting myself, one slash every hour. I hope that soon I will no longer be unable to kill myself. It is not death I fear, its life.

When I was in the worst of my depression, I also planned to commit suicide, but chickened out at the end. I felt very bad about it at the time, but today I'm glad that I did not kill myself. My life got worst, then better, then beyond my wildest dreams.

We may have a right to kill ourselves, but other people may be deeply affected--like our relatives and other loved ones.

I took up smoking to help end my life. It was not as quick as cutting, but it made me feel good that I was shortening my life.

You do not know what the future could hold for you. I would suggest you hand on for just today, then tomorrow try for another day.
Jim S

I want my life to come to an end too. But I cannot take the matter into my own hands and do this to the people in my family who love me. That is what holds me onto a frail life line.

Kathy

12 years ago this June my friend, whom I love and miss DEARLY, took his own life. Was on the phone w/ a friend and shot himself. I won't get into the circumstances as to what led up to all of this or what is said to have been happening in the exchange between he and that friend at the time he pulled the trigger. I can say that he used to talk often w/ his friends, or rather make comments on his feelings of wanting to die. Sadly, no one took him seriously. At that age, 16, you don't thik to take those remarks seriously. So many high..even low drama things take place in young teens life...it's hard for them to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel...meaning....well I can speak for myself on that note because I too grappled w/ suicidal issues...many times over the years including recent years and especially my teen year....at that time for me...when I would make comments to my friends about how I wouldn't be here for such and such or flat out how I just wanted to die....they would chalk those remarks up to a recent break-up...a bad grade in a school subject....social insecurities they knew I had despite my circle of friends, etc. etc. etc. How often do you hear young people make comments only to be totally over whatever brought them down and to the point of such remarks in the first place w/in a few weeks time.....so of course it was hard for people to know our friend meant things in the most literal sense possible? And he had home life issues...they knew that...but so did many other friends they knew. They just couldn't know til it was too late. And oh...I never completed a thought....my friends used to say ...this is highschool..it's going to get better...but yet it was just so hard to see past highschool years. As low as I felt...how could things POSSIBLY get better? I was having a hard enough time in highschool...I couldn't fathom college...a carrier...the idea of marriage or children was not even fathomable. And I too made my suicde attempts. Thankfully I got help and got better. Now I'm 30. I've been married 9 years this summer (w/ this man 12 years in Oct.) and have 2 BEAUTIFUL young daughters. Life has changed for me and no, I'm not saying it's perfect or that I don't have my struggles I still work through. But my perception and understanding of my own situation has changed so much that I can finally enjoy life AND deal w/ things when they are present for me.

This didn't happen for my friend. Sorry I keep shifting gears...but if you are still w/ me...as I was saying...he took his life 12 years this coming June. I know I did this...many who are contemplating suicide try to convince themselves they won't be missed or that anyone who might possibly miss them will "get over it and move on". Well of course you continue living and move past the situation. Life inevitably moves forward. All I can offer up to you is to tell you how much my friend's suicide affected my life. And I was not even in his closest circle of friends. Our connection was more in Jr. High...by the time we reached highschool, we barely saw each other. We still considered each other a friend....we just hung in different crowds and didn't have classes together. Basically we would stop in the hall and chat from time to time. So you could almost argue that by that point...how could I feel so affected by his death? I know he would have had he lived! At the point he took his life...he didn't believe he had anything worth living for and he definetly felt he was worthless and no one would grieve him. Stupid logic. But it's where your head is when you are not getting help. You convince yourself of MANY things that are simply not so. I can't tell you how many times WEEKLY ...sometimes daily...I think of my friend...of where he'd be now...whether or not he'd still be in my life, etc. etc. I think of all the things that could have been for him. I wonder so many "what if" scenarios, you can't begin to imagine. I dream of him sometimes and I awake happy that I could have a moment again w/ him even if only in my head/dreams and I also awake w/ a bit of sadness and regret at the once again present realization that he's truly gone. He can NEVER come back.

I could talk volumes of the pain and loss I feel and I feel that damm near daily. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him...somedays are greater then others mind you. But every time hurts even to this day TWELVE days later!

I don't care if you are a young teen...my story is going out to you for you no matter what your age. But I can't urge you enough to try again and seek out help in dealing w/ all that you have on your plate. Maybe you don't even understand why you feel as you do, you just know how you feel. That was definetly the case for me. But once I started to work w/ a counselor...that is what worked for me...may or may not be your option of choice....I saw things so much more clearly and things just started to turn around for me. I full-heartedly believe this can be for you.

Suicide is such an incredibly strange thing. I think that the IDEA of it is very powerful to some people. For example, not too long ago I was in therapy and seeming to make some improvements in reducing my anxiety. As soon as I reduced it I realized the incredible depression that I was in the midst of that the tremendous anxiety was just a symptom of. Coming to this realization I was suddenly frought with despair and hopelessness. It felt like my problem would NEVER be resolved and I was destined to be a mental patient tied to some bed in a hospital. I finally resorted to thinking that I have to kill myself. But I wanted to find the best way possible. I did figure out the least violent, painless, and most assured way (which I won't reveal) but I resolved to just wait another day. I went to bed that night convinced that I was going to kill myself very soon and my mind was just racing with thoughts pertaining to it. Two days later, I wasn't at all thinking about suicide. In fact, I felt much better!! It was almost like thinking about it for a while and recognizing it as an option sort of snapped me out of my complete and utter hopelessness. It seems so strange that as soon as I started thinking about suicide (which was the first time in my life) I started feeling better than I had in a great while. Has anyone else had such experiences??

I WANNA DIE!!!!no, i'm not joking...

Care to talk about this havok? I'm here to listen. I may not understand all your battles on a personal level....but I've bene suicidal so many times before.....I'm here to listen.

i hate life. i hate the way people treat eachother. i hate the way i feel. my meds don't work right and my shrinx could give two shitz. my life's been hell since birth. i can't imagine it'll get any better. people tell me to be positive... ###$ YOU "be positive." i'm an existential nihilist. i'll be happy when the world and everyone in it is gone. this includes myself. i'm no better than the rest of human skum. kill switch engaged. self-destruct in 5..4..3..2......

you know what havok, screw people!! worry about yourself and only yourself

I generally do not like people, but I have found pockets of wonderful caring people. some are on this web site. The rooms of AA are full of great people whom I love. I've met many people in various religions; yes many are hyprocrits, but I have found pockets of caring people in many churches. Give the world another chance. You do not have to love or agree with everyone.
Good Luck,
Jim S