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Postby gremlingirl14 » Sat Mar 06, 2004 12:48 am

Oh wow,
I guess reading that finally sort of gave me an idea of why so many people have been worrying about me so much. I have had friends that were concerned from nearly the beginning of the school year up until about mid October, and some are starting to get worried about me again. I am a former cutter, I started and quit a few times before. My friends found out about it this year and for a good 3 months they seemed to be really cracking down on me and bothering me about stuff and some even threatened to take away every sharp object in my house so I couldn't cut anymore. I stopped after I realized how close it was to the start of the High School Bowling season. I didn't want my dad or anyone to see all the cuts that I had on my arms. Now that it's over and I'm going though another crisis in my life I've been wanting to go back to it. I went 5 months without and I felt great about it, but now that I'm really having a hard time because of a family crisis I've been getting really triggered and whenever I see something sharp such as a knife I'll get really triggered and want to cut really bad. My family doesn't know about this little former "obsession" of mine. A few of my friends have now suggested that I have Clinical Depression if not more than that. One of them told me her reason for assuming that is because I can go from being cheerful to crying in a matter of seconds and never pull myself up enough to get happy again. She knows about all the stuff I've gone through, well, in the past few years anyways. She told me I should go to a doctor or psychiatrist and get a depression screening done, but I refuse to do that. I won't even go and talk to a counselor or ever to my family about anything. I personally think I do have depression, but I don't know. I've had a lot of urges to commit suicide over the past year, ever since my aunt died on March 17, 2003.
When I was younger my grandma's really good friend who was like an uncle to me commited suicide and I just cried. I was too young to know what that meant, I was only like 7 when it happened, when my mom said he commited suicide I had no idea what she was talking about, but when she said he has died then I cried. I am now 15 and have a lot better understanding of suicide.
My friends and I all suffer from depression for the most part, so we have all had experience with wanting to commit suicide and the whole cutting issue. One of my friends has done enough that she landed herself in a psych. ward for a few days a few years ago. A few months ago we has a suicide attempt in school. That's when it hit me that I had to quit cutting, so I did, but now I don't know if I made the right decision or if I should start to again to help myself feel a little better. I don't know though.

~Jamie~
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Postby Angel » Sat Mar 06, 2004 7:30 pm

Jamie,

I used to cut as well. You should have seen my arms when I was in highschool. I still bear the scars of razor cuts and cigg. and lighter burns on my arms. But you have to come to realize that you are only providing yourself a false sense of security or feeling of "ok". You are only deflecting to physical pain instead of emotional. Now I fully understand how easy it is to crave that when you feel so desperate to no longer hurt anymore. You feel like you are in control because at least w/ this pain you can see the pyhsical damage you've done...the physical mark of what caused you pain...sometimes when you are dealing w/ emotional issues you know why and sometimes you just don't have a clue why you are down this low and can't seem to change it...so not being able to "see" or "identify" what is causing all the emotional...you feel out of control and it can feel so good to just focus all your energy and attention on that act of cutting....you believe yourself to be in control and man...it even provides a rush and feeling of total power. 'Least that is how it was for me. I felt like hell...I can't do anything else and I can't change this crap for me and hell I don't even understand it....but at least when I choose to cut I can control what I do and I can see what I feel. But again....it is truly all a false sense of security. Because no matter what your "poison" that you pick to try and not feel any emotional....be it cutting, be it drugs or alcohol...whatever you pick to try and block out all that emotional......when the act is over or the drugs where off....you are no further along then you were when you started. You have not really taken any control....the issues and feelings you felt before are still there...infact you probably are even worse because you regret the act you did in the first place.....you've only let the situation control you.

You have made it very clear how aware you are of what you are dealing w/...I think you have a very clear picture of many of the issues you need to work through and I think you will find when you start to work through those feelings and find alternate ways to handle them...as well as start to understand all the situations and the hows and whys for how they affect you....you will be able to start to rise above it all....you might even find that it's not so much that you are dealing w/ any type of mental illness that would be life long...but rather that you are just so buried beneath a mountain of deeply life affecting issues. You've talked many times of the deaths you've had to endure in your family as well as friends....one of those is enough to affect a person...you just keep getting hit w/ it and never get a chance to heal or try to effectively figure it all out or deal w/ it. You've also talked about your home life and how your history is w/ all of that and how it still is to live in the situation you are....again...any of this stuff ...just pick one of those issues out for someone and it's hard enough to deal w/....but you are trying to deal w/ it all at once and it just keeps piling on....plus take into consideration your age....you are at a very young age to be expected to try and deal w/ all that is on your plate. No. It is no surprise to me that you are in the place you are w/ all of it.

You mentioned in your post the fact that you do not want to go get help from counseling. Only you are going to know when you are truly ready to face all of the things you have going on, head on and truly deal w/ it all. And you flat out need help w/ it all. You have shown yourself...whether you are ready to accept it or not, that you are not able to handle this all on your own. No one can force you to seek out help and if you go before you are truly ready to devote work in the whole process it won't do you any good anyway. But once you find yourself ready to get well....and do the work involved to get there....you really can turn all of this around for yourself and start to feel a lot better....look forward to a much happy future instead of staying stuck where you are now. I cannot stress enough that there is no magic cure here. It does not just go away on it's own. You can't ignore it away....you can't cry it away....you can't cut it away....you try and you obviously know you can't pretend it away. It is there waiting to be properly dealt w/ and it will only grow worse until the day comes when you are ready. And I also cannot stress it is not easy work to get yourself better. You can't just sit and listen to someone talk to you for an hour....or sit in a counselor's office and simply lay out your issues for them to hear...then expect to walk away feeling all better. Well...you might feel somewhat better just for the fact that you got as far as professional help or help of any kind and unburdened yourself w/ your story...but the story won't change if you are not willing to work for change. Meds...sure they can help a lot....but they change symptoms and feelings...and help only to a degree....they don't take away issues....they don't teach you how to better handle things that come up. Right now you only know these self destructive ways to handle stress and the hard issues you have before you. You know how to let it bring you down and how to react negatively to it all. But you need help in learning how to deal w/ things when they come up more positively...and yes...for many many people....that most definetly can be taught. You need someone to help you understand a lot of what you have gone through...help you understand WHY it affects you like it does. You already know HOW it affects you...makes you feel sad, like $#%^, worthless....and makes you want to hurt yourself...even think about dying. But you don't understand yourself enough to understand WHY you react that way. Or why you can't pull yourself out of it. You need to learn that my dear. Some people are able to deal w/ life and stress very effectively...I mean don't get me wrong....issues and stress are out there in life for everyone and it can get the best of people down sometimes....but some of us are better able or equipped to deal w/ it effectively or only allow it to affect us to a minor degree and then quickly pull back up away from it and go forward. Others of us can't do that and we need help. There is NO SHAME in asking or reaching out for help.

And hey...I'm a big one on the idea of seeking out a counselor to get help. You don't necessarily have to go that route either. You can come to places like these and talk w/ people and find out what they do or have done to get past things. You can tell your story here and see what other's take on your situation is and what they suggest you try and do. If you really really listen to what they have to say, try to apply some of the self-help tricks...that can make a world of difference too.

You can get better....hey...maybe not perfect...but you can learn a lot and make a lot of positive changes and start to feel a whole heck of a lot better and more positive about yourself then you do now. BUT NOT until you are ready to work for it. It will not happen overnight all on it's own.

All my hugs to you,
Cd
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Postby gremlingirl14 » Sat Mar 06, 2004 9:51 pm

Thanks CD,
Umm... I've tried posting about this whole thing here, you seem to be the only one that has really replied to any of my posts on here and I just don't know if I feel welcome on here anymore. :cry: I was thinking about just not coming back here, but I don't know. I mean, I like the site and all, it's just I feel like not many people wanna help me and I feel like part of that is because I'm so young compared to most of the people here. Anyways, thanks for responding.

~Jamie~
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Postby TheLonelyStranger » Sat Mar 06, 2004 10:23 pm

Hi Jamie,


gremlingirl14 wrote:Thanks CD,
Umm... I've tried posting about this whole thing here, you seem to be the only one that has really replied to any of my posts on here and I just don't know if I feel welcome on here anymore. :cry: I was thinking about just not coming back here, but I don't know. I mean, I like the site and all, it's just I feel like not many people wanna help me and I feel like part of that is because I'm so young compared to most of the people here. Anyways, thanks for responding.

~Jamie~


Hey! I know it can feel that way but it's not the case. I for one hardly come into this area of the board. I tend to stay down in the more specific forums like paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder becasue they affect me directly. It may be that they see you are being well handled by someone else. I have so many converstations going on here that I could spend the rest of my life on this board. But then I'm wordy. :) My point is you are very welcome here and if you're in need or if you're hurting, I for one will help all I can.

You're response indicates some possible underlying issues you may have. I've not even read your other post YET but I'm going to. You are welcome here. Don't assume people don't like you. I've made so many mistakes becasue I did that. How old are you, teens, 20's? Sorry like I've said, I've not read any of your post.

The message thread you're posting old is old so many people may have stopped reading it. I'm going to go read some of your other post.
The Lonely Stranger
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Postby TheLonelyStranger » Sat Mar 06, 2004 10:44 pm

I am a former cutter,



Hi.... that's pretty serious stuff there. Who knows about this? Just your friends?

Middle school and High school are very difficult times for most of us. The charmed few, the popular people do very well but it's easy to do well when you think you walk on water. It's probably hard for a lot of them as well, trying to stay in that group can probably get pretty hard.

But you are at a different level. You need some love and acceptance and you need it more than most of us. This NEED could be very damaging to you in the next few years. It could lead you to make poor decisions, as it has for me.

You're bright, you're writing shows that, I'm sure far prettier than you think you are and a lot more capable than you realize. You are showing some signs of really low self esteem or like me, you're showing signs of revolving around what others think. Both are cases are poor self esteem because when someone is really sure of themself, they don't care so much what others think. We all need acceptance though, we want to feel like we belong.

I've seen you talk about your mom, how is your relationship with her? How was it when you were 5 or 7 when your "uncle" died. What about Dad? Has he been around?

The most important thing here is you need to talk to someone, a professional about these problems. The way things are may seem totally normal to you as it's all you've every known. It looks like you may have learned some ways to get attention that are unhealthy. If so, you didn't learn them becasues you did anything wrong. You learned them because someone didn't give you everything you need. They could love you with all their heart but most of us are not equiped to be wonderful parents. We make many mistakes. I don't know if your parents did or didn't. But some where along the line it looks like you didn't get what you needed. It looks like you are hurting and you want to be loved.

You need to talk to your conselors at school. Can you do that? Will you do that? You do have friends, that's wonderful. Does your mom know about the cutting? Someone that can and WILL get you professional helps needs to be involved with you and made aware of what's going on.

You're young enough to turn a lot of this around, to stop it here before things happen to make it really hard for you to succeed.

PM me if you like.... I don't have all the answers but tihs idea that no one cares is wrong. I care very much and want you to get through these hard years to go on and do well in life!
The Lonely Stranger
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Postby Angel » Sat Mar 06, 2004 10:47 pm

Jamie,

the "lonelystranger" is right!! You are SO totally welcome here. You would not believe how many posts I read and my heart just goes out to the poster but I don't reply because I just don't feel I have the right words to say or good advice. Even when I feel I can relate. And that could very well be the case w/ you!! Please don't leave....or another thought....you and I seem to do well and I'd hate to lose touch w/ you....you could always stay on here...post w/ me either via the boards so that others can see your stuff and reply when they feel they have some good advice or even caring supportive thoughts....or you could "PM" (private message) me here too!! Then you can always seek out additional website boards and post there as well. You should not feel like you need to stick w/ soley one website. Lately I'm down to just this board, but I have posted on a few sites in the past.
Back when my counselor thought I was dealing w/ ADD...I went to "ivillage.com" and checked out their message boards. They have a variety of areas you can post and it's a great place. There the people that log on get to be a lot like a little family. On the board for adults dealing w/ ADD/ADHD I made some really great friends. It wasn't like hit or miss posting that you can sometimes find here on the less active forms...people go there daily and read and reply to posts. You really truly get a wide variety of input.

Or you can do a search for some forums that cater more to teen posters...I've found here too that more of those I post w/ are my age or older as opposed to younger teens. But hey...I'm only 30 this coming Sept. and I don't feel like I've gotten too far from my teen years...maybe because of all I dealt w/!!...so in some ways I feel like I can connect w/ you...to some degree...I'm not dumb...I know things have changed even in the almost 12 years since I went to highschool!!!!

I hope you won't leave us here and if you'd like some other places you can post to as well...I'd be more then happy to work on searching for some for you, checking them out, and suggesting them to you!! I've got my own personal computer...high speed (DSL) connection and it's very easy for me to find time to check this out for you!!

Jamie...to you and any others out there sharing the same frustration....I know it can be really frustrating to post something and then not get replys..or just one poster replying...but please don't take it to mean that people out here don't care. We all care here....us regular posters...and those that just drop in here and there....but again....sometimes we read posts and no matter how much our hearts go out to the poster...we just don't always have the right words or right advice and so we move on w/out posting. We all probably have that same thought in mind where we hope someone else will post and sometimes we don't think of just saying "hey...saw your post...sorry I don't have any advice or answer to your questions...but I'm here to listen and I do care"!! It's harder to show someone you are "listening" in a forum like this then say face to face!!!

Anyway.....hugs to you all!! -Cd
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Postby TheLonelyStranger » Sat Mar 06, 2004 11:25 pm

sometimes we read posts and no matter how much our hearts go out to the poster...we just don't always have the right words or right advice and so we move on w/out posting. We all probably have that same thought in mind where we hope someone else will post and sometimes


CD does seem to be a good friend for you, also once I looked at all your post, you were posting in a lot of areas that I don't go. I could see that you probably wondered what happened in the depression forum. People stopped posting on one of your threads. That doesn't mean they don't care. Like CD and I said, they may be afraid to talk. I'm sure all of us are afraid of saying anything that could make you feel even worse.

You're at a very precious time in your life and it was a time that was very painful for me, as it is for you. No one could read what you are writing and not care, at least no one that doesn't have some kind of disorder that blocks those feelings in them and some people do.

Well, you've got a ton of post from me now, so you know I care. :!:
The Lonely Stranger
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Postby cangirl313 » Wed Mar 10, 2004 2:55 am

Hi Jamie,
please don't think that we don't care. we do - I do. It seems like you have a lot to deal with, and I hope you continue to post messages and talk to us. cd and others have said just what I was thinking. yes, look at all the people who read what you say, we all are interested, we all want to hear you. sometimes, we just don't know if we have anything of specific value or advice to share. I wish we could all sit around and chat and drink tea - you know, just be together and share our thoughts. but since we can't physically be together, posting messages on this board is a fair alternative. In fact, when I think about it, we've only been able to talk to each other around the world on the internet for 10 years or so (ok, maybe more) so I'm glad that we can be here for each other.
I am very new to this site, but have already been helped by others. and sometimes I find it helpful just reading other peoples posts and see that I am not alone.
This is a great site, lots of different forums (maybe too many??) since the posts are thinly spread out across many topics.
ok, so I'm rambling again. but I totally understand how you feel, because I tend to feel the same way, if I post a topic and no one responds, I take it as a slight, as if what I have to say doesn't matter and that people don't care - but they do! they are just busy, and stressed and as cd said, maybe don't feel they have anything else of value that they could say that could help you at that moment.
that said, I know you've tried counselling in the past, but obviously you need someone to help you. you are dealing with way too much on your own. my heart goes out to you sweetie, you are far too young to be having to deal with all this sh*t.
I had to fight for years to get someone to finally believe that I was suffering from depression. most doctors and some counsellors that I saw, just didn't understand. In our mixed up medical model, it seems that if you can't measure it with a physical blood or urine test, then you are not sick, and it's "all in your head". NOT TRUE!!
please, please, keep talking to us, to your friends, keep trying to find a counsellor or therapist to help you. I don't know if you've tried the kids help line but their website is:
http://www.kidshelpphone.com/en/
and their phone number is: 1-800-668-6868
I don't know if you are a big reader or not, but I saw a book that I thought you might like - hopefully you can borrow it from your local library: Teens, Depression, and the Blues: A Hot Issue (Hot Issues)
by Kathleen Winkler
well, that's all for now. gotta go make dinner, do some laundry (it's overflowing the hamper) and feed my pooch.
peace and love,
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Postby Blairish » Fri Mar 12, 2004 3:50 am

How did you get out of your depression? I'm really young, and yet I can't remember the last time that I didn't feel like there was a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I'll do anything for it to stop. Been to 4 different therapists-it still doesn't end.
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