Depression and Suicide

Hi Sean,

As one that has experienced suicidial ideation for many years I can tell you for certain that there is nothing you can do. From 15 to 33 I obsessed on suicide.

I have that mostly beat now but I have had a recent return of these desires. While I did want to stop hurting, I did not tell my therapist until after I had gotten past it. The reason was I didn't want anyone to stop me. In my last episode, I even stopped taking all my meds knowing that this would make me extremely suicidial. And oh boy did it do it. But as you can see, I'm still here.

Nothing but fear itself could stop me. No person could. I've learned through the years who not to talk to about it, while it's going on. Primarily anyone that knows where I am.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I've talked to my therapist about this and she said to me there are only therapist have not had a client commit suicide yet. With your speaches and this web site you're reaching far more people than a "normal" therapist would, thus you've increased you're chances to run into this I think it comes with the territory.

I wish I had the words to make the self doubts and second guessing yourself that any of us would likely be feeling after something like this. You were in his life very late, you were a tiny part of it and I'm certain that it was only a matter of time for this man. This would have happened no matter what you did.

Lonely,

Thanks for your words...

I need to point out that I am not a therapist, but someone who has been on the other side.

I know your not a therapist, but you are coming into contact more people with a CNS disorder than most therapist every would. So you'regoing to run into thigs faster than even a therapist would. I was using th word in a loose sense but I hould have made that clear. The board is theraputic for me, but I understand what you are saying.

Gotcha Lonely. Just wanted to make it clear to others out there.

seanetal wrote:Gotcha Lonely. Just wanted to make it clear to others out there.

I understood as soon as I saw your message.

I'm new here, and have some thoughts on suicide.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life (I'm 38 yrs old) and have been on long term disability for the past two years. I keep tying all kinds of meds and alternative therapy, but it never goes away, just sometimes gets a bit better and often gets much worse.
for me, knowing that I have the option of committing suicide is a bit of a relief. I know that if things get very bad, I have a way out of the pain. I've idealized about suicide for a long time. tried once last summer, but it didnt work.
lately I've been surfing the web to find a combination of over the counter drugs that will make sure I do the deed correctly next time. I know it may seem I'm being unfair to my husband and family and friends, but I am having less and less tolerance for my depression and my emotional anguish and I just want to have some peace and some rest.
am I not allowed to dictate my own destiny??
thanks for listening
peace and love,

I'm 29 years old. Married and mother of two BEAUTIFUL young girls ages 2 and 5. I have dealt w/ depression dating back to the age of 10. I was molested as a child.....my depression has been given a few labels over the years...everything from just basical clinical depression to a "chemical inbalance" which causes my moods to bounce all over the place for no reason to a mood disorder to bipolar II (which they said was actually a mis-diagnosis) to cycylothymia (which is what is the current label as of now) and also am dealing w/ OCD. There are times when it gets bad and I think about suicide....and I understand what you are feeling. I go back and forth. I will do really well for awhile and then it will be back again and nothing has to even trigger it. It was only about 2 years ago when I finally got into some serious counseling. I'd dealt w/ counselors here and there over the years but never worked at getting better as hard as I have in the past two years. I went to counseling, saw a med counselor and finding the right med to help was NOT an easy process. Med after med after med and then when one would actually work to eliviate the symptoms I'd find myself not being able to handle the side effects and have to go off. But when I would think about suicide I would alway get stuck at one place. How can I leave behind my daughters. Some days it was easy to convince myself that well look at how I feel...all this depression, anger. I get mad so easily and yell all the time...I'm not happy....and for no reason...and wouldn't my daughters be better off w/out me for their mom? But day after day their smiling faces come to me for hugs and kisses and look for me to make things better if they get a booboo or into a scuffle w/ each other over toys or whatever their needs are all day long. They cry if they can't be held by me and they can't wait for me to tuck them in at night....all this despite what I am suffering...they look past that and all they know is they love their mom and want her in their life. And I knew I had to fight all the harder to get better....not so much for me at that point...but for them. I owed them that, I felt, for making the choice to become their mother. I owed it to my husband, I felt, for making the choice to become his wife. I know what you are feeling when you say "isn't it my choice to choose my own destiny". So many times I felt like damm it...just for once can't it be about me and MY happiness instead of having to stay around for everyone else. But the better I got, the less I started to see things that way. And of course the better I felt....now I don't want to be here JUST for them...but for me as well!!

I won't give you that speech about how selfish your thoughts of suicide are because I know it is not about that. You don't come to this choice like that and it is not as simple as that. I know you don't mean to choose death over your family and that if you could wake up tomorrow 100% better and reclaim your life you'd embrace it w/ open arms rather then stay as things are and then feel like suicide is your only answer. I don't know what you are dealing w/. Meaning...if it's as simple as a depression because you ...oh say...lost someone you can't get over...death in the family or if it's more complex and it's something like say bipolar or a whole host of things that is more difficult to treat. But for whatever reason you are dealing w/ this....it TRULY CAN GET BETTER. I'm living proof of that. When one counselor was getting me nowhere then I simply got another. And another and another and another until I found the right click w/ one and felt like he was TRULY working to make a difference w/ me. And you can't just go and sit in their office and listen to them and then expect to walk out w/ things different. At least for me...I had to find a counselor who did more then just talk and more then just let me talk about the "issues". I can talk the subjects til I'm blue in the face....it won't CHANGE anything....I needed suggestions and ideas and things I could start to implement on my own outside of the sessions in order to see changes. I needed positive feedback too of course and of course I just needed to understand what I was facing. My counselor taught me to understand what it was that was causing me to feel all this crap in the first place. Then from there we worked on ways I could start to recognize when certain feelings were coming on...then we worked on things I could do when certain feelings came on to try and get past them w/out them affecting me....ward them off or whatever you would say....more and more I started to get better....I had certain real issues that came into play too that had to be dealt w/...are still being dealt w/.....all of that has helped me get so far...further then I've ever come in YEARS. Along w/ all of that I worked w/ meds counselor to find the right med or combo of meds as it came to be that would help alliviate certain feelings. LONG time in coming. Over a year before I finally found the right thing. Infact I just made some changes to it a few weeks ago here. I will always have to fight this fight because of the nature of what I deal w/. I will never be 100% better and I have had to come to accept that. But for all the work I've put in place and all the progress I've made...for once I enjoy life and don't wake up w/ dread or the feeling I want to die anymore!!! To me it's worth all the work I've done and any yet to come. And for my daughters I'll keep fighting the fight. They don't deserve to grow up living a life of issues like I have and that is exactly what I'd set them up for if I took my own life. Go on to forums like this and talk w/ people....teens especially...who's parents took their own life. See their hurt and anger all over their words. They blame themselves....they are angry w/ the parent that they feel hated life w/ them so much that they did the ultimate act of betrayel and ended their life. I just couldn't stomach the idea of leaving my girls to wake up in the middle of the night calling out for a mommy who could not come and comfort them and then to later learn why and understand that why as they got older....to grow up feeling like I was so selfish I had to leave them, give up on them and take my own life. Because that is how so many see it. You rarely hear from those who grow up understanding....they are left to deal w/ their own pain because of your choice. I didn't want to put my daughters through that.

And finally. almost 12 years ago a friend of mine took his own life. You know...it's very easy to convince yourself that time heals all wounds and that you won't be missed and that people will get over what you do. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE. I still grieve for my friend. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DO NOT THINK OF HIM. NOT ONE SINGLE DAY. I still go to the cemetary a few times a month and think of him always. I am ALWAYS thinking of what might have been and the IF ONLYs. Somedays I even blame myself and you know....I should no better because I went through this time and time again and I know it's not my fault....I probably couldn't have changed his mind but damm it I didn't get the chance to try and I feel so guilty for that. And we were only causual friends....our connection started in Jr. High but do to our schedules and friends we grew apart by high school. So imagine ....if one can still bear the hurt and anguish of losing someone that was only by then a causual friend...imagine what someone even closer to you w/ even greater ties would go through.

I don't mean to go on and on like a lecture to you. But I've been there and I feel I can so totally relate and I want to share these things w/ you...not to make you feel guilty or not to say that I think you are being selfish....I don't....I understand.....I say all this to show you that hey..someone else has been where you are and is now in a position to evaluate a few things more clearly then when I first started out and I want to try and give you that opportunity....I want to try and help you see why you need to stay in the fight and that it really can get better and that you don't need to give up. Please know and believe that. And don't give up on life and all of those who love you.

Hugs,
Cd

Psychology is more art than science. It's not at all uncommon to get a different diagnosis going from doctor to doctor. Or even the same doctor may change their mind or if you wait long enough, they just forget they made the diagnosis. I sometimes wonder if I hold the record for being diagnosed and then undiagnosed.

for me, knowing that I have the option of committing suicide is a bit of a relief. I know that if things get very bad, I have a way out of the pain. I've idealized about suicide for a long time. tried once last summer, but it didnt work.

Sounds like you've been in therapy. Has the issue of control ever come up. I have thoughts like you're above. I've realized for a long time that suicide was a way for me to regain control where I had lost control. What do I most try to control? Pain.

You probably do all kinds of things that you're not aware of to fend of threats to yourself, either physical or emotional or both.

I hope you find a way to regain control and bring a stable it not some joy to your life. The only way I've been able to do it with any consistancy is through faith in God. But at times even my faith is not strong enough. Though I understand your feelings, I hope you and I both find a way to make life bearable.

Meds are not a cure - they are an aid. One must work to change how they think and react. There's an unrealistic expectation that taking meds will alter your character and personality as well and stabalize any chemical problems within the body. Not all mental illness is caused by something within our bodies, much is caused by what's in our minds and WE have to work to change that.

There also seems to be an unrealistic expectation of what it means to be better. I have gotten the impression from the many boards I've passed through and all the people I've talked to that being better means never having a bad day, never crying, never making a mistake, never ever making the mistakes you make while depressed, etc. We are only human. Being better does not mean we will be happy and filled with joy 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It doesn't mean our lives will be picture perfect. Getting better will not bring about a fairy tale ending. We will still be fallable human beings ... and riddled with emotions. We will never be perfect and our lives will never likely be as we dream them to be.

There's so much that we must accept in this life before we can really find peace in ourselves. There's so much work we must do and likely sacrifices we must make. Nothing comes that easy ... and nothing is really free.

I too suffer with suicidal ideation. I too have made my attempt and failed. I too cling to the thought that I can always end my suffering by ending my life. It's a battle ... between wanting to live and wanting to die. I have my moments when I believe I can change and can make a difference in my life ... just as I have moments when I am certain that it's all hopeless and such a waste to keep trying. I have had periods where I have been more at peace with myself. I fell ... and I'm having a hard time getting back up.

I don't know whether I will succeed or not. I don't know if I'm trying my best. I don't know much of anything ...

What wonderful letters..............

When reading them, I felt your pain, I remembered the thoughts and ideations, I realized so much!!!!

But one thing I do know. is.........
If I go, I'll miss something wonderful, and someone will miss me.

I've lived thru wonderful times in history, Elvis, the Beatles, The 70's and 80's fashion statements, The millennium, From Hank Williams to Dido. From Country western to Rap. The colored t.v. Cpt. Kangaroo and Sesame Street. Bob Hopes and George Burns 100th birthdays, From Gidget to Friends. And so much more. I've watched my town turn to a metro. Seen my family grow, generations. So many holidays filled with joy. So many things have come and gone........and I don't wanna miss a thing.

When I feel down, I think of that song by Aerosmith.

I don't wanna close my eyes,
I don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I'll miss ya babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Things are never always great. That is life, good and bad. Lessons, and memories.

I want to grasp it all. Even when I'm down, it makes me appreciate the good days.

Hugs to you all.

Remember it's our job, to, Hang in there..........