Would rather be dead than work full-time

Hello all,

I am 24 years old, and I recently dropped out of university- my first semester, after less than 3 months in. I simply did not want to do it. When I was applying to university, I was initially excited and hopeful that I could work towards a career that would allow me to have a "real" income (instead of the abhorrent "income" that is minimum wage). I just got to a point where I realized I simply do not care about anything work related, I don't want to work, I don't want any part of it. But unfortunately, money is essential in this stupid world we live in. Yes, I want to make money, because I am currently extremely poor, completely on my own with no financial assistance from anyone (my mother, unfortunately, committed suicide when I was 18 and left me zero money) and my father has always been completely absent from my life and provides no assistance to me.

But, I have no genuine interest in working whatsoever. It is torture to me. I remember from a young age, always hating to do anything that i don't genuinely love and want to do. Even as far back in grade 2, for example, I would cry hysterically in school, because I hated it that much. (school was a form of "work" as a child). The way I see it, I have had a very difficult life, so difficult, that I cannot bear the thought of enduring additional difficulties, even something as simple as working. I simply cannot handle it. I just want to do what i want to do and be able to enjoy my life for once. (quite literally, my life has been, probably 90% hell, 10% bearable.) I endured living with my mentally ill mother from age 12-18 (her death occurred when I was 18). I don't mind working part time, I can tolerate that, but the thought of full time work (anything over 30 hours a week), to be honest, makes me feel suicidal. (Not that I would ever actually kill myself, but It brings about these strong feelings of dread- I am just being totally honest).

And, unfortunately, for me to actually save money for my future, I will literally need to work about 50 hours a week. FIFTY. The thought of this makes me want to die. I cant handle it. No one helps me. I'm totally on my own. I cant function as an adult. I never could function. Yet, surprisingly, many people tell me I'm the most intelligent person they know. and... I am. I am very smart and talented, and I don't want to waste my life working in the back of an extremely busy restaurant washing dishes, for 50 hours a week. The thought of this makes me so angry. I enjoy playing the piano, and writing, dancing- doing artistic things. I cannot bear to be a sheep in society that slaves away just to make ends meet. Why does life have to be so unbearably difficult for me? Literally ALL of my friends live at home, where their fridge is jam packed full of food that they don't have to pay for, and their income is completely disposable. I do not have that luxury. Literally ALL of my money goes towards food, rent, clothes, and still I often go hungry.

I think it would help me if i could talk to someone who genuinely understands what I am going through. I have no one to talk to who actually gets it, because they have parents that actually care about them. They have had relatively normal lives. They are not completely on their own. I feel so alone. I hate my existence, I truly do.

50 hours of unsatisfying work a week is insane. Who needs it? Not the environment, that’s for sure. You are right to be angry.

The unwillingness to become a wage slave is in fact a sign of mental health. There were some interesting perspectives on this in this thread.

Some people work 80+ hours a week. How do you think they handle it? I am sure there are jobs that allow you to work 40 hours that are not minimum wage. However, you dropped out of school 3 months in. I think once you successfully complete something, your confidence in your abilities will increase. I actually dropped out of college several times but I dropped out because I can't deal with people. Is there some way that you can reenter college and pursue a field you are truly interested in? A field where you would be able to stand working 40 hours a week?

The number of hours does not reveal very much. 50+ hours of autonomous and personally fulfilling work is not unthinkable. 50+ hours of monotonous strenuous work is torture.

I used to work on the conveyor belt 40 hours a week. Three weeks was all I could take. My brains were melting. You could train monkeys to do it.

Imperius wrote:Some people work 80+ hours a week. How do you think they handle it? I am sure there are jobs that allow you to work 40 hours that are not minimum wage. However, you dropped out of school 3 months in. I think once you successfully complete something, your confidence in your abilities will increase. I actually dropped out of college several times but I dropped out because I can't deal with people. Is there some way that you can reenter college and pursue a field you are truly interested in? A field where you would be able to stand working 40 hours a week?

I would kill myself before working 80 hours a week, in all honesty. I don't think it would be possible for me to work more than 40, maybe 50.

This city has a bad record of employment and there have never been many jobs here. Also, I do not have much experience in anything. I may have one solid reference, however, and I am hoping she will put in a good word for me. Hoping. As we all know, you get by in this society through having connections, more-so than not.

The word confidence is interesting to me. I actually have a lot of confidence. I know I am completely capable of working and doing well in most things. It just comes down to not wanting to do it. Not having the energy. That's what baffles me... how people force themselves to become slaves to society. I don't understand it. However, I am understanding that I have no choice. It's either work very hard and have SOME money, or don't work at all and live on the streets.

I do want to go back to university at some point. I am worried that I will not be accepted back as I have four "W's" on my transcript not (I withdrew from four classes). An example of how unkind and unforgiving our society is. I don't understand why withdrawing matters. I PAID for their services. If i want to pay again and try again, why should my future be compromised because I withdrew?

I couldn't stand the people at university myself. I get what you mean when you say you cant stand people. I hated the vast majority of them. lol.

El Nino wrote:The number of hours does not reveal very much. 50+ hours of autonomous and personally fulfilling work is not unthinkable. 50+ hours of monotonous strenuous work is torture.

I used to work on the conveyor belt 40 hours a week. Three weeks was all I could take. My brains were melting. You could train monkeys to do it.

Yes, you are absolutely correct. The conveyor belt job sounds atrocious. I couldn't do that either. Some people seem to be fine with mindless, menial work. (somehow. I will never understand it.) It's a product of the Industrial Revolution- so many jobs that are utterly meaningless, where we become shells of human beings that might as well be lobotomized to avoid any sort of conscious thought that may threaten the corporation.

I definitely need to attempt to find a job that is somewhat manageable, not completely horrible. I can't think of many jobs, but I have a few in mind. Unfortunately, I don't have many references or much experience.

-- Thu Mar 19, 2015 2:24 pm --

El Nino wrote:50 hours of unsatisfying work a week is insane. Who needs it? Not the environment, that’s for sure. You are right to be angry.

The unwillingness to become a wage slave is in fact a sign of mental health. There were some interesting perspectives on this in this thread.

It's interesting that you actually agree with my statement. Most people I know, when I tell them this, say something along the lines of "suck it up... that's life". This statement baffles me. So, we are just born into this world to work ridiculous amounts of hours, get paid very little (while those at the "top" get paid huge amounts of money) and shut our mouths? That's what you want out of your life? Borderline slavery? Excuse me if I refuse to spend my relatively short life wasting away at some dead end job that pays me nothing. It is not worth it.

But... on the other hand... it looks like I have no choice. Money is, unfortunately, extremely important in our society. Its just how the world works today. And it makes me very, very angry that I am forced to do something I have absolutely no desire to do. But what can i do? My hands are tied.

Can I ask you why do you not want to work? Don't you think life is more interesting when it is balanced. With a 40 hour job you still have plenty of time during the weeknights and weekends to do things you like. I personally hate having nothing to do all the time. Right now I am just spending my days playing video games not doing anything useful. At least if you are working or studying you are doing something useful with your life. Do you think you are depressed because you lack energy?

For universities, I am sure they would accept you back since your transcript says you withdrew instead of out right failing the courses. If they do not, you can always disclose you have a disability and you withdrew because of that reason. They would have to take you back most likely, or else it would be discrimination, unless they can find some specific reason not to.

patientlywaiting wrote:It's interesting that you actually agree with my statement. Most people I know, when I tell them this, say something along the lines of "suck it up... that's life". This statement baffles me.

I certainly agree since I simply believe that 1) There’s nothing inherently good in wage labour, 2) Modern societies produce (read: work) too much and it is a burden to the environment. 3) If the remuneration were just, the amount of work you suggested (30 hours a week per person) would be more than enough for sustainable living. I could think of more reasons but I'll leave it at that.

Unfortunately we don’t live in a just and sustainable society. You may have to “suck it up” but you don’t have to pretend you like it.

El Nino wrote:You may have to “suck it up” but you don’t have to pretend you like it.

Haha, I should have checked what “suck it up” means. (I’m not a native speaker of English.) I meant that you may have to accept you don’t have so many good options to choose from but you don’t have to pretend you like the situation.

Imperius wrote:Can I ask you why do you not want to work? Don't you think life is more interesting when it is balanced. With a 40 hour job you still have plenty of time during the weeknights and weekends to do things you like. I personally hate having nothing to do all the time. Right now I am just spending my days playing video games not doing anything useful. At least if you are working or studying you are doing something useful with your life. Do you think you are depressed because you lack energy?

I don't find my current job remotely bearable. I guess that's the problem. and I have hated every job I have done before. I just think about all the creative things I could be doing if i wasn't working (such as playing the piano, writing, etc). That I am not able to do while I work, and it makes me angry and frustrated. Also, there is no balance in a life where every single dollar you spend goes towards survival. That is not a balanced life. It does not make work something that you can tolerate. If I was making a decent amount of money and was actually able to save some money, I would be able to look forward to having some money saved up... which would help me tolerate work and see it as something positive. But I will not be able to do that unless I work at least fourty hours a week. At least. It is very frustrating. I do know what you mean though. Having nothing can do is not good as well. But I guess I would rather have nothing to do than work all the time. That's just me however. I am just not comfortable having to constantly put on a happy face at work and pretend like I am remotely okay with doing my job. Hate is a strong word but it accurately describes how i feel. But what I must do now is learn to tolerate work and manage to save some money. It is going to be difficult, but I have to do it, because this negativity is accomplishing nothing and is making me feel worse.

-- Fri Mar 20, 2015 12:13 am --

El Nino wrote:

patientlywaiting wrote:It's interesting that you actually agree with my statement. Most people I know, when I tell them this, say something along the lines of "suck it up... that's life". This statement baffles me.

I certainly agree since I simply believe that 1) There’s nothing inherently good in wage labour, 2) Modern societies produce (read: work) too much and it is a burden to the environment. 3) If the remuneration were just, the amount of work you suggested (30 hours a week per person) would be more than enough for sustainable living. I could think of more reasons but I'll leave it at that.

Unfortunately we don’t live in a just and sustainable society. You may have to “suck it up” but you don’t have to pretend you like it.

Exactly. If we were actually paid a reasonable amount, that allowed us to live a life, instead of being extremely poor, it would be tolerable. If we weren't worked to the point of contemplating suicide, with no reward of a decent pay-cheque, maybe working wouldn't be so bad.

I live in Canada, and minimum wage is an absolute joke here. If you make minimum wage here, you know what it is like to go hungry, what it is like to have very little. It's disgusting that this is allowed in the 21st century. The gap between the rich and the poor is getting wider and more severe.

But yes, many of us have no choice, sadly. And it could be worse than it is. Some people in parts of the world literally starve to death. It's horrible.