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+ Internet -Less selflove

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+ Internet -Less selflove

Postby TwistedEgo » Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:47 am

First of all I want to say that my mother tongue isn't English so if you see a lot of mistakes is because that.

I want to share my little story.
I'm almost an adult (20yrs old) but I don't feel like that...
I've been avoiding life for about 4 years or even more but I got Consciousness recently...

I just don't want to face things that need to be faced and for that i use mostly internet.

I use internet-friends who I know I won't meet irl, Videogames (i focus on getting good just to distract myself and avoid completely life), also draw attention on social media, and I build some sort of precious world that's fake but safe.

And when I try to change my behaviour when I try to just focus irl I realize that I do the same but this time with people, I bond to them in order to escape responsibilities of taking care of me.
Even I've this worry over my phone I cannot help myself;
I'm always checking my phone constantly (Mostly Whatsapp) just for 1 minute maybe 20 times in one hour just to see if the person that I'm interested, just to see if she messaged me and if she not I'd feel a soft pain inside my chest (I'm not sure if it's anxiety I get used to this type of reaction that's not a big deal, but it gets annoying and it gets to a point that I get tired even of myself.

The worst of all is that I know that really inside of me I don't like this girl as much as it seems but I'll do anything just to escape(maybe is codependency).
I was obssesed with another girl before and i thought that the problem was her but it was me i'm acting in the same way (but was far toxic though).

Also, I use Status constantly on whatsapp I share deep stuff but I realized that I don't do it because I like it but because it seems that is a Need for me to do that.
And all gets to a point that's not funny any more, instead is a bit sad, I see myself as a person that could be so productive and successful but I'm here doing these sorts of stuff that's wasting all my short time.

I'm not loneliness I've a couple of friends and a lovely family but for some reason I'm struggling to connect with them I don't trust in anybody even though I know they are not going to harm me but this is how..I learned to behave and I cannot help myself.

It's important to say that I like to spend time alone with books and my thoughts but i also want to connect with people, to really do it in a healthy way and not over a trash phone or a high end pc and not just to do that they love me but loving them unconditional expecting nothing or at least demanding less than now.

Also for some strange reason i'm more confortable talking about my personal troubles in another language that's not my mother tongue.

I went with a therapist and we were working on these things but, she wanted to redirect me to another specialist,I got scared because I do not think I'm that bad i mean I say to my therapist that maybe I could have ocd but he's always telling me that It's not usefull to put labels on things and she won't tell me if I've ocd or not but I've some symptoms.
I don't know what to do I'm really aware of the whole situation, but I feel like a spectator.

If you are reading this thank you just to read, now i feel way better because all of this were just thoughts 10 minutes before and now they are a reality.
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