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Quitting porn going wrong

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Quitting porn going wrong

Postby afterhours » Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:34 pm

Hey guys, I am not one of those people, that usually post on any forums, I am more of a quiet observer. But I am starting to question my own sexual orientation these last couple of days, so I had to do something about it and I apologize for the long post or if you feel it's off-topic (in that case, can you point me in the right direction pls).
So.. I'm 21, I'm studying in Germany (not german tho), I'm a decent looking guy, athletic, always well dressed but I am still a virgin. The closest I came to losing my virginity was about a year ago, when my friends tried to set me up with this girl that really liked me but I didn't like her back. I won't go into any details about her- she just wasn't my type. Anyway, I still tried to make things happen because it was time for me to finally have sex(social pressure). So when we were finally alone at my friend's house after the party he threw, we talked for a couple of minutes and I started kissing her (even though I wasn't attracted to her) and she really liked it, a few minutes later I undressed her and was kissing all of her body. She only had her underwear on, but I couldn't get an erection. Was it because of the fact that I didn't like her, or because it was all arranged and I knew I'll have to tell 5 of my friends how it went on the next day(she had already had sex with 2 of them) or was it because she had hair on places, where she wasn't supposed to (according to today's standards and western culture), or was it something about my sexual orientation- I have no idea. I apologized for not being able to perform and blamed it on a few plausible things (alcohol, being too tired, because the sun was already rising etc.). I hadn't PMO'd for 2 weeks prior to that moment for what it's worth, and this was the moment I relapsed and ever since I tried to forget about her and this whole thing, I continued fapping for months until a month ago I tried to give it another shot and here is where I am now - I haven't watched porn for 3 weeks and I have been completely PMO free for exactly 2 weeks. You might wanna know what kind of porn I used to watch - I started at the age of 12 as far as I can remember after being introduced to it by my friends (I really regret that) with the usual boy/girl stuff, then I discovered anal porn and as the years went by I really got into it and that was about 95% of what I watched (2 times a day on average). A couple of years ago I started watching those Big Black videos and I was getting rly excited whenever I watched something I hadn't seen before. After that period I would just watch the occasional gay porn video along with the other 95% of what I described, not being aroused by the gay porn though. A couple of months later I would just try to fap to it for no apparent reason without a lot of success, months later I unfortunately had success and was aroused by it. Back when I was 19, my only explanation for this was the love for anal porn and the false perception of the sexual reality porn has created for me. I escalated to anal masturbation with vegetables etc (since I didn't have any girl to do things with I would just do things to myself), and most of the times I liked it. Once a month I would spice things up and would not only watch anal porn (boy/girl 99% of the time) but would also play with my ass and imagine I was the girl in the video. I didn't take seriously any of this back in the day.I almost never watch lesbian porn, unlike most guys; I just need to see a guy in there I guess lol. Whenever I orgasmed, any of the thoughts about men I explained would disappear and I would feel "sane" for a couple of hours.
More on my background: I've always had crushes on girls, I've always been shy around them,I always preferred talking with guys (without any sexual desires towards them), cuz I was feeling insecure around girls.And I never had homosexual fantasies with any of my friends or any other guy I ever met
After qutting PMO this month (which once again consisted of 99% anal boy/girl and BBC stuff and me picturing myself as the girl very often) it's getting worse. While I am in bed trying to get some sleep I can only think of me being dominated by a bigger more mature man (not someone in particular) LOL. It's the idea that gets me aroused. I even made a post on an anonymous app where I said that I am looking for an older man to have fun with and the minute someone replied I deleted the app cuz I panicked. Whenever I see a beautiful girl on the street I would find her interesting and imagine her naked, but I rly need to see a girl, in order to fantasize about her and not about men. Also,I had a rly good gay friend 2 years ago and he and his gay friends rly liked me and used to hit on me. I don't know if people are getting some gay vibe from me but that's another reason for me to question my sexual orientation...
So tell me guys, what have I done to myself, what's going on?
Am I gay?
Am I some sort of a girl trapped in a guy's body (if such things exist) ?
Was porn the reason I got here or was it preventing me to see who I really am all these years (in that case 1. or 2.)?
Is it some sort of HOCD I read on the Internet recently?
Am I mentally disturbed?
?!?!?
Thank you all if you read that post and again I'm sorry if this wasn't the right place to share my problem. Pls help :(
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Re: Quitting porn going wrong

Postby LuckyLoser » Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:45 pm

Not many things that are free are good for you I'll say that much. You sound pretty low test for starters might want to see the doc about that although i have no idea what they offer in terms of solutions in Germany. Obviously quit the porn and also jerking off. You'll know soon enough what you're really all about when you start feeling really pent up. . Basically just stop doing these things, get good and pent up, and if you can, get to that unfinished business with that girl :) and then go from there. Just my 2c and remember there's a lot of sexually disruptive (for lack of a better term) propaganda out there and porn is a big part of it.
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Re: Quitting porn going wrong

Postby FFTP » Sun Aug 19, 2018 9:11 am

Porn is the single most destructive thing on the internet, I began maybe age 9-10 as well, I had no idea, no one told me that it wasn't real and that it was all just active, I had it in my head that it was normal and that was what people really did, I have stopped watching it but I think it really does mess with your head, sex is supposed to be something shared with 2 people that love each other, not this violent vile act of aggression and obvious domination that porn represents, I wish i'd never had anything to do with it, they don't even understand all the things that porn does to someone that young when they watch it on the regular, but I think it's just as harmful and addictive as any drug, and way worse for your brain than they will admit, I had numerous real life experiences ruined by my porn habit, guys don't act that way and girls don't act that way, and if you don't understand that going into a real experience with a real person you could not only embarass yourself but depending on what kind of porn you were watching you might really give someone else a bad experience and make them wonder what is wrong with you, the main thing i learned is that you always ask the girl if shes ok with this or that or anything before you start because you have no idea what their preferences are or if they are ok with certain positions or things you don't know, I think porn should be illegal in every way shape and form, it hurts people mentally and gives them a totally fictitious idea of what sex is about, I think education is part of the problem, parents that have an open computer should not only keep an eye on what their child is doing on there but also talk with them about the things they might find on the internet one day, and explain to them that it's fake and people only acting, and that real sex isn't like that, and the importance of knowing the difference, and not only that but that it may even be harmful to you in ways you don't even understand, even scarier, it might shape the way you think about females and sex and you could easily be "programmed" to treat human beings not like human beings, more like objects for sex and thats just not cool, all it would have took was my parent telling me what was up when i was 10 or 12 and teach me this stuff so I maybe could have avoided some embarrassment as well as an addiction that was with me for 10 years or more, it's proven that watching porn is the same as the effect a drug has on you, texting is the same, they release dopamine in your brain, so every time you do it it's like a hit of dopamine, and you literally get addicted to texting or porn or other stuff that instantly gratifies you, facebook is guilty of this as well and people don't even know, it's no wonder they are so popular when people are addicted, a lack of information and honesty and truth is hurting all of us here, people should be more open to discussions involving the truth about these activities so people don't get hurt or mentally scarred.
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Re: Quitting porn going wrong

Postby afterhours » Sun Sep 02, 2018 1:03 pm

Hi guys, this is the first time I've been on this forum since the end of July. And I've got some bad news. I relapsed again - this time it was day 30 - I fapped 3 times that day and then 2 times on the two following days - I just couldn't stop. ;( It all happened when I was feeling rly good (more present, more confident, more masculine) and I wanted to take so much action with any random girl I met on the street, but just never happened and I started questioning the whole nofap thing, like: this was supposed to work or: why am I having a hard time abstaining from porn when nothing good is happening to me anyway (results-oriented). And today while I was studying for an exam in October I just couldn't focus on what I'm reading unlike the previous week. All I could think about was that bad habbit. I felt that I had to look for help since things started to get out of control again. I don't know what has to happen for me to completely get rid of fapping and porn but I am rly desperate right now. :(
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