Hey guys, I am not one of those people, that usually post on any forums, I am more of a quiet observer. But I am starting to question my own sexual orientation these last couple of days, so I had to do something about it and I apologize for the long post or if you feel it's off-topic (in that case, can you point me in the right direction pls).
So.. I'm 21, I'm studying in Germany (not german tho), I'm a decent looking guy, athletic, always well dressed but I am still a virgin. The closest I came to losing my virginity was about a year ago, when my friends tried to set me up with this girl that really liked me but I didn't like her back. I won't go into any details about her- she just wasn't my type. Anyway, I still tried to make things happen because it was time for me to finally have sex(social pressure). So when we were finally alone at my friend's house after the party he threw, we talked for a couple of minutes and I started kissing her (even though I wasn't attracted to her) and she really liked it, a few minutes later I undressed her and was kissing all of her body. She only had her underwear on, but I couldn't get an erection. Was it because of the fact that I didn't like her, or because it was all arranged and I knew I'll have to tell 5 of my friends how it went on the next day(she had already had sex with 2 of them) or was it because she had hair on places, where she wasn't supposed to (according to today's standards and western culture), or was it something about my sexual orientation- I have no idea. I apologized for not being able to perform and blamed it on a few plausible things (alcohol, being too tired, because the sun was already rising etc.). I hadn't PMO'd for 2 weeks prior to that moment for what it's worth, and this was the moment I relapsed and ever since I tried to forget about her and this whole thing, I continued fapping for months until a month ago I tried to give it another shot and here is where I am now - I haven't watched porn for 3 weeks and I have been completely PMO free for exactly 2 weeks. You might wanna know what kind of porn I used to watch - I started at the age of 12 as far as I can remember after being introduced to it by my friends (I really regret that) with the usual boy/girl stuff, then I discovered anal porn and as the years went by I really got into it and that was about 95% of what I watched (2 times a day on average). A couple of years ago I started watching those Big Black videos and I was getting rly excited whenever I watched something I hadn't seen before. After that period I would just watch the occasional gay porn video along with the other 95% of what I described, not being aroused by the gay porn though. A couple of months later I would just try to fap to it for no apparent reason without a lot of success, months later I unfortunately had success and was aroused by it. Back when I was 19, my only explanation for this was the love for anal porn and the false perception of the sexual reality porn has created for me. I escalated to anal masturbation with vegetables etc (since I didn't have any girl to do things with I would just do things to myself), and most of the times I liked it. Once a month I would spice things up and would not only watch anal porn (boy/girl 99% of the time) but would also play with my ass and imagine I was the girl in the video. I didn't take seriously any of this back in the day.I almost never watch lesbian porn, unlike most guys; I just need to see a guy in there I guess lol. Whenever I orgasmed, any of the thoughts about men I explained would disappear and I would feel "sane" for a couple of hours.
More on my background: I've always had crushes on girls, I've always been shy around them,I always preferred talking with guys (without any sexual desires towards them), cuz I was feeling insecure around girls.And I never had homosexual fantasies with any of my friends or any other guy I ever met
After qutting PMO this month (which once again consisted of 99% anal boy/girl and BBC stuff and me picturing myself as the girl very often) it's getting worse. While I am in bed trying to get some sleep I can only think of me being dominated by a bigger more mature man (not someone in particular) LOL. It's the idea that gets me aroused. I even made a post on an anonymous app where I said that I am looking for an older man to have fun with and the minute someone replied I deleted the app cuz I panicked. Whenever I see a beautiful girl on the street I would find her interesting and imagine her naked, but I rly need to see a girl, in order to fantasize about her and not about men. Also,I had a rly good gay friend 2 years ago and he and his gay friends rly liked me and used to hit on me. I don't know if people are getting some gay vibe from me but that's another reason for me to question my sexual orientation...
So tell me guys, what have I done to myself, what's going on?
Am I gay?
Am I some sort of a girl trapped in a guy's body (if such things exist) ?
Was porn the reason I got here or was it preventing me to see who I really am all these years (in that case 1. or 2.)?
Is it some sort of HOCD I read on the Internet recently?
Am I mentally disturbed?
?!?!?
Thank you all if you read that post and again I'm sorry if this wasn't the right place to share my problem. Pls help