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Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby NewSunRising » Mon Feb 19, 2018 12:49 am

Hmm , that's a tough one . It's kind of hard to believe that you're the only one she's messaging though . Maybe you could ask her , indirectly ? Like " Gee , you must have a lot of online friends ! Are they all in ( your country ) or do you talk to people from other places too ? "

If there are other folks that she talks to regularly , it might make it easier to ease yourself out of her life . Either that or just tell her you'll only be checking in on WA once a week now . Tell her the day where you can chat and don't respond unless it's on that day .

You can block contacts in WA - I did a web search and it seems pretty simple .
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:49 am

Thanks for checking that, NSR - I appreciate it! I've been doing a lot of reading about boundaries lately (basically, I wasn't brought up to have any, but that's a whole other post lol!) and thinking about where and how I can apply them. I am at times my own worst enemy, and let things go on for far too long for fear of hurting someone's feelings. I can't blame WhatsApp lady for messaging - I've given her no indication it's a bit much up until now! I like your idea of having a designated day for WAing - sounds like a good compromise!

Wouldn't it be funny if she was desperately wondering how to ease herself out of my life but is too scared of hurting my feelings?! She & I have a mutual friend who I have met once - she's really nice & we text/message every so often, but not all the time!
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Mon Feb 19, 2018 3:25 pm

Hmm, I think WhatsApp lady might be getting slightly out of hand, but I still feel a bit mean! She messaged this morning to say that she was going shopping & did I have any plans? She's just messaged me again to say she's back from shopping... this is possibly a bit OTT from someone I've never met! :?
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:27 am

Yes , that's a bit much . Nobody needs a minute by minute update on someone else's life . :shock:
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:35 am

Thanks, NSR - I think I may be reaching breaking point re WhatsApp lady lol! And I feel terrible because she's a nice lady I've known on Twitter for some considerable time! She messages every day to say "good morning", "how are you?", "what are your plans?", "Good night"... Although the other day she was messaging about her operation date being put back & how upset she was - it's so hard, as I've been there myself! I don't message the people I know and love that much! And it's all my fault for not having firm enough boundaries in place to begin with! (I've been doing a fair amount of boundary-work lately).
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:37 pm

OK! After another few days of messages from WhatsApp lady, I am thinking of sending her the following message: "Hi, I enjoy our chats but I'm finding social media and messaging a bit overwhelming just now, so maybe we could catch up every few days? Hope that's OK!" I could send it to Pinterest Guy too. Is this a good idea?

I talked about it with a "real life" friend & she said, "For the love of God just ghost them & move on - that's what I'd do!" Lol! I can't quite bring myself to do that though. I think what my friend was concerned about was me getting too deeply into JADE (justify, apologise, defend & explain) - which is quite possible, knowing me! Sigh.
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby NewSunRising » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:49 pm

I think that's a fine idea . I'm not really a fan of ghosting . I think it unfairly leaves the ghosted person feeling like they did something wrong / offensive that caused you to cut them off . Then they're left wondering . That's not a nice place to be in .

I think you could be a bit more assertive though . Take out the " maybe " and "hope that's OK " and replace them with solid statements .

"I'm only going to be available to chat / catch up once a week ( on _____ evening ) from now on . " and " Thanks for understanding " may be better choices because they don't sound apologetic or imply that your mind could be changed if they just keep persisting .

There is a middle ground where you get your point across in no uncertain terms but not in an unpleasant or mean way . I think you've done a great job in setting and maintaining your boundaries !
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:36 am

NewSunRising wrote:I think that's a fine idea . I'm not really a fan of ghosting . I think it unfairly leaves the ghosted person feeling like they did something wrong / offensive that caused you to cut them off . Then they're left wondering . That's not a nice place to be in .

I think you could be a bit more assertive though . Take out the " maybe " and "hope that's OK " and replace them with solid statements .

"I'm only going to be available to chat / catch up once a week ( on _____ evening ) from now on . " and " Thanks for understanding " may be better choices because they don't sound apologetic or imply that your mind could be changed if they just keep persisting .

There is a middle ground where you get your point across in no uncertain terms but not in an unpleasant or mean way . I think you've done a great job in setting and maintaining your boundaries !


Thanks, NSR! Things have moved on a bit since I last posted. I'm afraid it's not all good news. I ended up blocking Pinterest Guy, and I'm not proud of myself. I don't like ghosting either - I wouldn't want someone to do it to me! I was definitely going through a rocky patch at the time. I messaged him to say that I was only going to check my messages a couple of times a week, and he said "No worries" - I was relieved at that, but he didn't stop messaging & I would check my phone to find he'd sent me a pic at 3 am! I just sort of crumbled, and blocked him. I'm sure there was a better way of doing it. :(

Better news about WhatsApp Lady. I messaged her to ask if we could cut the chats down to once or twice a week, and she was fine with it. She hardly messages me at all on WhatsApp now, but we're still Twitter friends & say "hi" most days. That's OK.

I'm afraid I went back to Twitter when I was recovering from flu - I was ill for over 3 weeks & felt very isolated. I'm not really back on FB though - the thought of it makes me feel very anxious. I definitely can't cope with more than one social media outlet at once!
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby NewSunRising » Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:00 am

I don't think that's the worst thing ever . I think that it did come about from your wording though.

There is a definite difference between this :

" I'm only checking my messages a few times a week. " ( Keep sending all you want ! ).

and this :

" I need to reduce the amount of messages I'm getting lately ." ( Please stop texting me every day ).

Truthfully , some folks will just not stop . It's become a routine for them . There's nothing you can really do about that and unless you specifically tell them " I only want to message with you on Monday nights from now on " then they're going to revert to habit .

That is good news about Whatapp lady ! You made your wishes known and she is respecting them , as most decent people will . If you don't want to cut off Pinterest guy completely , you can always unblock him and send him a clear statement of what you want in terms of the amount of messaging he does . It's not an unreasonable request .

Glad you're over the flu - I caught a cold last week and that was bad enough !
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Re: Pretty much ditched Social Media, but still anxious!

Postby anotherfinemess » Tue Apr 03, 2018 10:39 am

Thanks, NSR! I know that my wording to Pinterest Guy wasn't ideal. I'm afraid I'm not very good at communicating my needs to people directly. It stems from my childhood when my feelings were generally met with either anger or invalidation, and because I don't know Pinterest Guy well enough to know how he would react, I took the timid way out!

I have thought about unblocking him, but I suspect it's too much water under the bridge now - I don't know. I hate hurting people.

At least things went well with WhatsApp Lady - that's something!

Sorry you've got a cold - hope you feel better soon!
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