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Postby LemmingsLemons » Sat Apr 14, 2018 9:13 pm

My second post. First, I posted in the Abuse | Domestic Violence |Forum Now that I've explored Intermittent Explosive Disorder, I'm finding connections and patterns of this within myself. If I may share what I posted in the Abuse | Domestic Violence | Forum , please have a read and please let me know if IED is a factor here. Or any comments, no matter how constructive or destructive, I encourage your feedback. Thank you in advance:

Let me begin with this aspect of myself that I never in a million years thought I could be. I should also mention this post may connect with the "Emotional and Verbal" forum of Domestic Violence, but I included this specific event to illustrate that I finally recognize and see myself (blame myself) as an abusive girlfriend.

This is a short example of my abusive behavior towards my boyfriend, or dubbed now as lover, and perhaps, no status now. All of which is my fault and I hate myself for it. He is a noble, honest, smart, inspiring man and he deserves none of the mistreatment I have caused him. I can't stand how I continuously engage in malicious, manipulative, vile behavior and it's eating me up inside, and hurting him and those I choose to reveal this aspect of myself to, but very few. And some haven't stuck around, let me tell you.

As a girl who is totally out of control with her life, lost, and unsure of who she is as a person, what her inner character is, what her values are, etc. A girl devoid of goals, lacking in self-esteem, lacking "normal" communication skills, lacking in general. Yet a girl who puts on a "covert mask" of pleasantry to hide the beast beneath. I am a girl who has been dishonest, most times covertly and, in the case I will describe today, OVERTLY-aggressive, a.k.a. an example of a full-on domestic violent abusive act with the petty need for domination and power. And that other things [Fear of abandonment and Fear of being alone, especially with myself].

I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and somehow the topic of work - and his suspicion of my work - popped up that made me POP. [*]**The topic of work throws me in to a deep well of self-pity, self-hatred, and extreme levels of insecurity. Work is a really sensitive topic to discuss and I can't stand it when I have to talk about a job I loathe, a career I don't have, causing inner hatred which is then projected onto and into the person who brings up the topic; it's almost always with the people I love and care about the most which this demon within rises and strikes.[*]

I started getting angrier and angrier, raising my voice louder and louder, to the point of screaming. He politely and calmly parked on the side of the road, said he was going to walk home. This outraged me even further. I slammed open the door, ran after him, he started running out of fear of what I may do, since I've had tantrums and acted-out with him previous times. With all my might, I threw my water bottle at him, screamed at him in the early morning hours disturbing the neighbors and causing a scene. My attempt was to pour out all of my inner anger, frustration, pain, resentment on to him in public in order to humiliate him in a public space. In reality, if I can think in this way, I was the one humiliating myself in a public space.

At that point, he calmly said if you stop acting this way, we can drive back together. I said fine. But continued the screaming increasing in rage and almost to the brink of psychotic breakdown. He then again pulls over the car, and said alright, I'm walking home. I gave you chance but you continued. Now, I can't stand it any longer. In total crazed mode I almost crashed in to him with my car, just to show my power and to threaten him. He was walking at a raid pace down the sidewalk and pulled in to the driving parking area right in front of him. I get out of the car, chase after him in a nearby park, push him hard, hold back his arm so as to prevent him from running away. Verbally threaten him and continue the cycle of abuse

He tried to calm me down, and suggested we park the car for now and walk home. On the walk, I not only screamed at him, verbally and emotionally abused him, calling him terrible names, trying to lower his self-esteem, trying to demean and humiliate him in public. I knocked over neighbors trash cans, pulled their flowers out of their garden, tried to kick down/pull down public signs, try to steal someone's bike off their deck. Not a good scene...

We get to the bridge. I start climbing up on the bridge almost over the chain-linked fenced wanting to jump. I was crying, tears pouring down my cheek. I realized I was only climbing the bridge to inflict fear into him acting like I was going to jump. For attention, for affect. But also for the act of doing that made me experience something different something fresh. I am stuck in a rut and unsatisfied with my surroundings, my job, my lack of adventure, lack of new self. I want to know myself more and express the tremendous pain I store away in the farthest darkest depths of my psyche and bring myself to light. Not hide behind the mask, or play a role, or feign a smile.

If anyone reads this, this is what I have come to conclude about myself and the situation: Everything I did, everything I said, every act I enacted were all absolutely cruel, manipulative, sadistic, emotionally and verbally harmful, and this time, actually physically harmful.

My behavior MUST be adjusted. I don't to be this way. I don't want to be an Abuser. I want to be the loving, kind person I know I am. I ask this with humility and contrition.

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Postby NewSunRising » Sun Apr 15, 2018 2:39 am

Welcome LemmingsLemons ,

Have you looked into getting professional help ? That kind of loss of self control must be horrifying and I'm sorry that you are experiencing it . It's good that you are reaching out here and I always found that writing things out helped me greatly .

I do believe that there are ways to manage our impulsive behaviors but it takes a concerted effort and often , counseling / therapy . It's a worthwhile investment in yourself and your future .
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