Extreme Hate/Anger for Four Specific People (Trigger Warning

So, I briefly touched on this a few months ago. So, firstly, the triggers

{Sexual Violence/Abuse Trigger}
{Depression from loss Trigger}
{Extreme violence trigger}
{Suicidal/self harm trigger}
Sorry if I miss a trigger.

So, I had this guy I really liked. To the point where I actively attempted to ensnare him. Except he had a boyfriend. So, I upped my efforts. Don't judge, okay? I was single, lonely, and desperate. And he was very kind and sweet. So, one day, I found out he was suffering from depression. He freely admitted why he was depressed. He was being sexually abused/attacked by four boys, who he refused to name, but I have a decent idea who they are. I immediately wanted to lash out, and go on my rampage, and purge both those who were hurting the one person I really cared about at that point, and the hate from my soul. But he calmed me down and he made me promise not to do anything. This is where my self-hate comes in. I keep my promises. And this was perhaps the worst thing I could have done, keeping this promise. He killed himself a few months ago, about a year after he made me promise not to tell. To the best of my knowledge, those boys are still free. The justice system betrayed him yet again. And then betrayed me when it refused to do what they deserved. I actively imagine them suffering. I imagine them dying.

As to why this has been eating at me. I wanted to go to be with him. I didn't want to die, but I want to join him. I've kept my promise to him to not cut, but I've been self harming, in unnoticeable ways. People think that what I do is a nervous habit that I take too far. That is a minor nuisance to witness, but something that most people do, that I just do a little bit too much. At any rate, I've been moderately depressed but not needing any medication because I'm good at dealing with it. But, that's one of the core facets of my rage. I have a few others, but this is the main one. I want to see the ones who caused my friend's suicide, his ex's suicide, and my heart to be broken nearly to the point of no return. I want those four to suffer.

Mentalboy, I recomend that you find highly trained medical professionals who can help you deal with your situation. I admire you for your courage and willingness to reach out. Please slow down and give yourself time to recover from this trauma. Don't delay seeking help though, because the sooner you seek help and the quicker you will be on the road to recovery. My heart goes out to you, and many of us are in your corner. Shalom.

With you on wanting those 4 to suffer. Just don't want you to suffer because of them. Find someone who knows how to help. Ignoring the anger doesn't work either. Got to find a way to work thru it. So sorry you are experiencing this. Take care of yourself.