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IED is ruining my life

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IED is ruining my life

Postby carolinamoon86 » Wed Jul 20, 2016 2:18 pm

After reading so many threads about people wanting to harm animals I wonder if I really have IED? Despite not caring for the general population of people, animals are sweet, innocent and harmless creatures and the only thing that calms me from my explosive rages are my three sweet cats.

Anyways, I am 31 years old and single. I am generally a sweet person. I'm funny, love to laugh and am pretty active. I have many friends and love to do different activities and have many hobbies. However I have a secret side that few have witnessed. The people who are affected the most by this bad side are the people I love the most. I become angry and bitter. I will say the meanest thing I can think of to someone. I have a venom tongue and hulk-like strength when I'm angry. I like to break and smash objects. Worse though, I like to hit people and cause pain when I'm mad.

I am single b/c I've ruined it with two great guys who were on the verge of proposing but ultimately decided that my rages were too much to handle. One ex told me he didn't want to raise children in an environment where their mother would curse, shout and break things. It's heartbreaking and shaming to hear but I simply cannot stop myself.

Little things - every day annoyances - drive me absolutely over the edge. If a train blocks traffic on my work commute I get furious. I get road rage often. I've spouted off at co-workers and once lost a job for a violent rage where I threw a plant across an office. I move to a new part of town to try to avoid seeing old co-workers. I try to hide from people who have witnessed my crazy side.

Aside from being fired from a really great job in software, I was arrested in January for simple assault. I was in a verbally abusive relationship and my ex knew how to push my buttons. He one day went through my phone and said a bunch of crap to a guy friend of mine and then blocked him. When I found out the next day, I became enraged and physically beat my boyfriend to the point he called the police. Not only was I arrested but I was held in jail for two days with scum of the earth. I was the only person there who had a college degree and a job. It was the lowest point of my life.
I was also angry at my boyfriend for calling the police on me when he's a big strong guy who could have simply removed himself from the situation. He does enjoy the victim card.

When I become enraged I am like a violent tornado that cannot be stopped. EVERYTHING that gets in my path - including strangers - will suffer from my rage. I've flipped off a woman on a sidewalk once as I erratically drove to my boyfriends house to rage on him. Just b/c she was there. I break things along my path, smashing pictures and glass objects in my path. I'll call my parents who aren't even there - just to curse them and yell at them for no reason whatsoever. It ruins their day and my mother cries. I scream at the top of my lungs and strength is so powerful I can lift heavy furniture by myself.
Then, about 15 minutes later, I'll be calm....full of regret, remorse,guilt and shame that I acted the way I did.

I have been on different medications for a decade. Nothing really seems to work. I do notice that I'll be more at ease and will have less annoyances such as road rage but for the most part I feeel as though I am doomed for life. I fear I will always be alone, lonely and single. I wish almost every day I could wake up and be someone else - a bubbly, happy , laughing girl who everyone likes and no one fears. I see people shrug off certain incidents and behaviors and am so amazed and jealous at their calm demeanor. I try to make the best of life but at this age, I am dying for a family of my own and fear I won't get it. All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and a wife. This is such a lonely life. Why am I this way?
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