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Hopeless Insight

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Hopeless Insight

Postby Escapetheskin » Tue Jul 19, 2016 6:46 am

Where do I even begin to explain myself and how my gray(brain) matter functions. I'm typing this with a bruised hand from today's encounter.
I've been having "explosive" episodes lately, with each time getting worse, and I'm alarmed. I suppose I could start with what triggers these moments. I can't say when it all began but its gradually becoming dangerous. When I was younger, I'd keep everything bottled up. No anger was expressed. So I started mildly, crying. I'm at the point where I'm harming myself. Impulsively. I can not control the rage I create. I've started hitting myself. Slapping my face, banging my head to the wall, punching anything, throwing whatever that's in arms reach. It's like I'm not even breathing when it's happening. It feels like I'm suffocating. It lasts about 5 minutes. What's crazy to me is that I feel like I'm doing it out of love. I'm reacting to actions, words. I get upset and I begin to think I'm nothing and I want to disappear but why do I explode like this. I hate it. I've tried to control it but it happens quicker that way. Ive shut my eyes and hold my head and try to control what's to come but nothing works. I walk away, but I always come back scarier then I left meaning I come back ready to explode. Suicidal thoughts have infested me. I feel incredibly sad. I feel too much.

I possibly have PTSD due to an Adult-Clild "incident" that happened when I was younger but I honestly do not think this explosive behavior stems from that BUT I do know trauma works in many different ways. My "trauma" could be my eating disorder (self diagnosed). I've lost weight rapidly due to my emotions. By rapidly I mean SKINNY as can be. I've developed an eating habit. Eating small portions. I'm working really hard to gain weight but I've lose what little I gain weekly. I could go days without eating.

I've looked into BPD (borderline personality disorder) And I have EVERY symptom. But I fear the issue is much more then that. I'd like to think I can over come anything if I set my mind to it but this , this I haven't been able to control.... if it even can be controlled.

I don't know what is happening to me.
I feel defeated, defeating myself...
Escapetheskin
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