struggling with insomnia for 7 years,suicidal thoughts.

Hi all.
I've been struggling with insomnia since 2017 after loss of job.
There were manmy nmights like 3 in a row where I had 0 h of sleep.All this time and even now I've been put to meds to sleep.
It helped benzos then switched to sedating antidepressants then in 2020-2022 I am taking Clozapine 25 mg which gives me only 3-4 h to sleep.
I just wake up exactly at 2.30 a.m. like someone wakes me up and can nto fall back to sleep.
Insomnia led me to severe mixed personality disorder and I think I have OCD too and I had traumas back in childhood (war).
Psychiatrist here told me in last meeting they can not help me.Here I don't have special therapist for personality disorders,and in foreign
countries it's very very expensive and I don't have money to pay for it.
I have not visited psychiatrists because of that since 04/2021.
Back in 2020 because severe stress at work I even got asthma because I had untreated allergies and I am severe hypersensitive person to everything.
There is much to blame to parents who overprotected me in childhood and father isolated me from kids when I tried to play with them.
I think loss of job was just a drop theat overfilled the full glass.
i did many times EEG of brain and I have some beta waves which told my neurologists that I'm severely everyday anxious person.
Ofc I am, lack of sleep causes that.
Did MRI of brain,I already have shrinkage of the brain mass.
Last 2 years I started to have severe migraines which when start make me think I wanto to comit suicide.
I suffered from covid-19 twice,february this year and last zear back in april.Ofc it is all because lack of imunity because I don't have enough of sleep.
What I noticed is that when seasons change my insomnia getts worse (March-April,September,January).
I struggle to to go to work.I'm only taking like for 10 months 12.5 mg of cloazapina so I can go to job from 6 a.m.,if I take like even 25 mg I can not
stand up from bed (too groggy).
In last like few months, I don't want to hang out with anyone,I lost a will to live, I mean this is not life,it's a suffering,I barely eat,
and I'm constantly angry,nervous and everything bothers me,even when babies cry,I'm constantly nerrvous,angry, I have dissociative episodes cuz of sleep deprivation etc.
I isolated from anyone,beacuse when you have personality disorder no one understands you.
I don't hang out with anyone.
I think I should leave electronic devices but I have OCD buyingf them (laptops,tablets etc...)-
I do feel tired,I get tired at current job,but when I come home I simply can not fall back a sleep, because in my brain there are like 10000 thoughts.
Sio it's like a person is hungry but can not eat.
It's a suffering to my brain to my body and to my mind.
In last like 6 months I'm constantly loosing precious thing (wallet,cellphone,keys). I put them on some place but I forrget where.
Last Saturday I forgot where I parked a car in a shopping center,I forget names of people I know,and forget how do I know them.
Because all of this mentioned in this letter I want to commit suicide.
This is not old me,this is another person whom insomnia controlled life and changed his brain.
I'm not succesfull in anxything,I can not travel anywhere,I'm constantly tired as hell,I don't have will to to basic activiities,hardly even eat.
A depression and anxiety is growing my insomnia and vice versa.I'm too lazy and tired to do yoga,mediation..
AS for isomnia I think I have tried every possible advice for regular people and still struggling,which did not help.
But deep down in my mentality I know what kills me,bad surrondings,bad people,my parents are very sick,and this job whom I don't like.
But I can not change all them,nor I can sadly adjust to them.
They say you can not change your surrondings just yourself.
I think I have OCD too,I'm sure,I'm perfectionist,I buy constantly same stuff which I don't need etc..
I just need my sleep back dfor damn sake.Every night when I lay down in bed I see my head stuffed on a rope,and I'm thinking about which way to commit suicide so it can less hurt.
I know in life where I make mistakes but dunno how to correct them.
I am also not sure if I have sleep apnea,I snore a lot and breath on my nose.I live in poor city where I can not do polisomnography and even if I do I can not get that CFP
mask or whatever.I don't have simptoms when I wake up like I will choke, I just wake up at 2:30 exactly (they say it's devilish time) and can not fall back to sleep no matter
when I go to bed wether it's at 00:00 or 22:00 (when I go to bed).
I've been taking SSRI antidepressants since 2016 but they don't help much,my depression is severe,and I know I lost battle to insomnia,and because all of these symptoms
which insomnia makes me to (and I could write a book about it) I want to commit suicide because I can not stand it anymore for a while.
Whoever has an advice,please people help,I'm milimeters away from commiting suicide.

Hello-

Things sound really rough for you. Please, if you get seriously suicidal notions, don't hesitate to call a suicide hot line, or present yourself to the emergency room of a local hospital, and tell them you're in danger of suicide.

For me, racing thoughts at night when ready to sleep and insomnia can be such a self-feeding thing. I also have depression and lots of anxiety issues. Worrying about not sleeping, or my mind not shutting off just adds to it. For me, when it gets so bad I can't sleep, I will put a movie on my phone or laptop- something that's not a favorite movie, but at the same time, something I've watched multiple times. I will not watch it- I'll turn the sound down low, but enough to hear the dialog, and close my eyes and if it's a movie I've seen over and over it'll play out behind my closed eyes as I listen to the audio. For me, that usually works.

For the sleep apnea, I would try hard, if I were that concerned about it, to find some assistance for people who can't afford the study or CPAP machine. It's my understanding sleep apnea can really mess with your body and mind. And you need all the help you can get at this point.

Every night I simply wake up around 2:30 am and can not fall back to sleep again.
I usually must pee, maybe I have diabetes,but multiple times I did sugar tests all came back normal.
Whole April I slept only 3-4 hours and whole April weather was screwed up just like last 15 days.
The weather changes influence me hard, just like on my mom,she usually hasa blood pressure and me severe insomnia,when weather changes.
But then again I didn't got insomnia last month I am having it damn 7 years.
Suicidal thoughts just come to my ming because REALLY REALLY I can not and DON'T WANT to fight with this terriblr disease anymore.
Today I thought to go to hospital,to psyhiatrist just to "release" my pain onb paper, but they never helped all, all they did is gave me this damn pills which don't work anymore.
I mean ofc they could and would increase the dosage but that is a not solution as you know.
In my city yesterday I went to one park where there are no cars,usually there are no people, there is a bit of forrest and sound of birds.
Each time I come there in a matter of few minutes I feel sleepy as hell., I almost almost fell asleep.
Dunno if it is a fresh air or silence that influences on me.
Back In August when after long period of not working ( 8 months) I came to work and broke severe anxiety,I had a nice sleep usually 6-7 h and did not wake up in the middle of the night.
Then my boss transferred me to a job where I work 8 h on PC work with thousands of numbers,and all hell broke loose..since then my insomnia got worse.
As a border line personality disorder patient that has it's advantages,I only work with 3 people they gave me numbers and then I work...but for me I'm having terrible anxiety of making something work (luckly never did) because this job requires a lot of patience and concentration which I don't have since I only sleep 3-4 h.
I don't want to say this is the cause of my insomnia,I was unempoloyed for 2 years and again did not sleep.
Some problem,some mental condition inside my soul doesn't want me to sleep.
Is it anxiety (which I do have) is it (OCD) which I do have, is it unhappiness with my life,is it unhappiness with work,social stuff,lack of girlfriend,then mixed severe personality disorder without single day of psychoterapy, all that probably contribute to my insomnia.
The weirdest thing is that I know about all this, just don't know how to correct it,because I need required psychoterapy,and there is no such in my whole country and in foreign countries it is very expensive.
But I will get back to first day it happened,I lost a job got pseudoepileptic atttack and from that day I could not sleep anymore.
Is it possible that trauma made some chronic change in my brain and left me with insomnia?
Don't know what else to say,I think and I know I tried all possible stuff for this terrible disease, one thing I did not try is to leave this city country and sick parents...maybe then sleep would come natuarally...maybe surroundings (social) which is ###$ up is killing me...

Maybe there was some sort of brain or mental trauma, but think about it. Anxiety and depression can do this to a person easy enough. I'm depressed, and I have trouble sleeping. I take Trazodone. It doesn't usually put me to sleep- once I do sleep, I do sleep deeper. But if I let my brain do it, I can easily subvert the trazodone with my mental attitude.

frozensun wrote:I am also not sure if I have sleep apnea,I snore a lot and breath on my nose.I live in poor city where I can not do polisomnography and even if I do I can not get that CFP

There are alternatives. I think I've seen dental devices that I normally associate with sleep tooth-grinding, marketed for sleep apnea. Not as good as going to a sleep center, but still... use with caution until you know it's safe, but that's an idea.

I read that the cloazapine helps with depression in some cases, but I wonder if something else for anxiety is needed.

Also remember that being anxious about sleeping in and of itself can kill sleep. I know better, and dare not think about needing to sleep or I will be guaranteed not to. Another reason a well-worn movie just to listen to with my eyes closed comes in handy. It keep my brain occupied just enough to shut the chatter inside my head, up.

Many factors contribute to my insomnia,and it is a vicious circle...

I feel tired as hell,usually sleep 3-4 h per night sometimes not even that.
I feel so tired, today I came back from work,feeling very sleepy and tired went to bed nope could not fall asleep at all.
Wtf is wrong with me and my brain?
No matter tired or not can not fall asleep.
The combo which give me 3-4 h of sleep are antihistamine+25mg of Clozapine+3 mg of bromazepam.
If I up the dosage I could not wake up and go to job due to beeing drowsy as hell.
I would not wish this disease to anyone.

Naw, insomnia sucks. I suppose I suffer from some amount of it- I often have a hard time falling asleep even with trazodone. For me it often winds up sitting in a recliner with a movie softly playing on some headphones, to fall asleep- I did that just this past night fell asleep 2-ish and then woke up about four and a half hours later. Something playing with my eyes closed helps to keep my thoughts from just going on and on. Also takes my mind off the um, the disorganised jumble of thoughts that often happens when I close my eyes. Even when I'm not trying to sleep, I'll find that trying to sit with my eyes closed- thinking, fantasizing, whatever- quickly degenerates into a jumble of nonsense. It was already bad enough- I think getting the Covid made it worse than it was before. Covid can mess your mind.

In last few months I don't have hard time falling asleep except if weather changes are bad.
But I have an issue of waking up always at the same time which is around 2:30 now 3:30 and can not fall back to sleep.
I'm suspicious if I have sleep apnea because I do snore a lot and have asthma.

frozensun wrote:In last few months I don't have hard time falling asleep except if weather changes are bad.
But I have an issue of waking up always at the same time which is around 2:30 now 3:30 and can not fall back to sleep.
I'm suspicious if I have sleep apnea because I do snore a lot and have asthma.

Then I'd suggest getting that checked out, if at all possible- it can cause all sorts of problems from what I understand.