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Can't Deal with This Any Longer

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Can't Deal with This Any Longer

Postby Juniper0 » Mon Dec 14, 2015 3:15 am

Well, hello to whoever is reading this, and get ready for some insanity. So I have this issue with my memories that connect to my fear of diseases. Particularly stds at this point. I look back and can't remember things accurately at all(my memories's crappy in all honesty). So, this makes me wonder in all of the ways I could've contracted something like HIV. I was stupid back then, and I'm still really young now, but there's always a sense of worrying and fear going on. I posted elsewhere of fabricating memories of a babysitter molesting me, and recently I've been terrified of thinking I have HIV from smelling and possibly licking a friend's underwear(Yes, it's messed up, like me, I know). The thing is that the babysitter scenario happened years back. While this happened just a year or two ago. I can't remember it accurately, so I may have done something totally different too. I could've consumed semen from used underwear, infected myself, and no one knows. Imagining what people would say to me if I ever did turn out positive, my family, strangers(I have no friends), and so on, I'd probably have a hard time deciding weather I would kill them all and then myself or just myself. All I know is under NO circumstances am I willing to live with this $#%^. And what's more, I have no one to talk to in person. My mom is supportive enough when she can be I guess, but there are things even she finds ridiculous. Now what? XD am I going to ######6 tell her I want an HIV test for all types over $#%^ that happened years back that I never brought up? when my med insurance is down? when we are struggling with so much more things? I literally feel like chugging down a whole ton of sleeping meds and throwing myself of a ledge somewhere. I look at pictures of sad animated characters, just to cry so much as a little to feel better. I listen to sad music too, for the same reason. I've lost so many people in my life. My mom can't live without me, and I can't with her. If I die, I know she'll take herself with me. I know this. So with that, actual medical intervention over thoughts seems impossible and even stupid. I can't help but think what I did in the past that could've infected me without my parents noticing. I hate feeling like this. I hate this sense of dread and anxiety, restlessness and dissatisfaction. I don't know what to do, I really don't. I want to end it all. I want to cry so damn hard. I hate living as a human. As something so damn weak and paranoid. I wish every time I watch those damn movies and cartoons, that I could live in that world. Free of issues and problems. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M PRACTICALLY CRYING NOW. WHAT DO I DO? NOTHIIIING CAN CALM ME DOWN EXCEPT AN ACTUAL TEST. BUT MY PARENTS WOULD HAVE TO KNOW AND IT COSTS MONEY WE DON'T HAVE. Is there even a way to test for it or all types of stds secretly? or through common stuff but use key things there? I never had sex in any way or did drugs at all but it's this little crap that is bothering me non stop. I feel like $#%^. And I don't know what to do anymore. If it weren't for my family, I would've killed myself a while ago. Respond to me, someone. Anyone. And pm me even. I'd love to actually meet and regularly talk to someone on here. Thanks. :|
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Re: Can't Deal with This Any Longer

Postby Juniper0 » Thu Dec 17, 2015 12:35 am

Honestly, can someone ######6 talk to me? the lack of contact on this forum is really irritating me now.
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Re: Can't Deal with This Any Longer

Postby berrybunny » Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:28 pm

I completely understand the need to drown yourself in lonely melancholiness. Although I don't have this exact type of obession, I go through a similar process of self-victimization. I think there are some underlying issues that present themselves as irrational fear and the particular way we OCDers are wired makes us manifest them this way. Though this isn't my main issue, I sometimes worry about being molested by relatives or close family friends. I have had some bad experiences in the past, but in me this manifests itself in uncontrollable obsessions and subsequent compulsions, whereas in an otherwise functional individual, it might give them PTSD or social anxiety. Mind you, I probably have the latter too, but you get the idea. OCD turns everything you dislike into unwanted intrusive thoughts that you can't get over like the average person. I'm supposing that the feeling of being "dirty or contaminted" is something that we OCDers all have.

Th good thing is, you and I both know that we are being irratioIal. I know you are losing hope as am I, but we aren't dead yet. You don't have HIV, and I haven't committed incest. And even if you do contract some form of HIV, so what? Many people live with it for decades with no apparent physical side effects, and there are medications you can take. The chances of you catching it is just the same as me or anyone else catching it.

Remember, OCD isn't your mojo. It's not an end all be all personality trait. It doesn't define you unless you want it to. Sure, it might be a part of us now, but there are individuals who have cured themselves of OCD, some perhaps with professional help. One day, we'll still be us, just without OCD.
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Re: Can't Deal with This Any Longer

Postby Juniper0 » Sat Jan 16, 2016 12:36 am

Absolutely no one gets it.

Not on this forum, and not online. Not even in the real world.

My theme is literally impossible. Saying that people can live with it for decades and take medications for it I know. But I don't want to think about it. I will kill people if for whatever reason I'm diagnosed at some point. But that's just me. What if I infected someone else and ruined their life? I'm filled with hate for this planet. Is it really that hard to cure a ######6 virus?

And now I'm suddenly too pissed to type. Great.

I hate myself.
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Re: Can't Deal with This Any Longer

Postby Juniper0 » Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:43 am

I see now. All I have left are two options:

Option 1 is to admit this is OCD, has little real-life relevance, and to eventually seek treatment for it.

Or

Option 2, which is to avoid all chances of contracting any STD forever, and to get tested for all varieties to ease my fears.

They can be done together or seperately.

However, there is a reason I can't let go.

It's because my fear has changed into being afraid of giving and contracting an STD through non-sexual means.

Due to a plethora of unimportant and now mostly solved reasons, I wasn't hygenic while younger and did risky things. I ate dirt, got wounded and cut, vomitted in public places, sniffed underwear, used other people's toiletries, and so on. I did all of the things your common sense would say not to, because I was stupid. Pure and simple.

It's due to that stupidity that I fear that I may have infected or otherwise harmed the long-term health of many individuals in the past, and me.

Despite there being inconclusive and insufficient evidence to say otherwise.

I belive that all STDs are permanent and degenerative unless treated. So if I test negative for all, won't that mean the people of the past and now are safe? That's true, RIGHT?!

In the end, the ocd will trump me and I'll inevitably need to get treatment. But for now, isn't what I'm saying true?

I only hope so. And I truly hope to annihilate this demon some day once and for all.
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