(False)Memories/Fear of HIV?

Ok, so this is going to be a strange story.

I've had symptoms similar to hypochondria my entire life.

When I was younger, I'd always ask my mom(who's a doctor) about a whole plethora of diseases. But most of it involved cancers and brain disorders.

Anyway, when I asked those questions, she'd answer and I'd forget about worrying about them for good.

A few months ago, I developed the fear of getting Alzheimer's Dementia in the future, and it threw me into such a spiral that I legitimately had some of the starting symptoms.(It was just stress and Depersonalization of course). But, it seemed that this fear went away as well.

I've noticed that with all of my obsessive thoughts, most of which where health based, seemed to have sprung from clinging on to some unlikely possibility. Even the out of place ones like with my gender identity and sexuality.(I thought I was a paraphiliac at one point, along with others)

But even with this knowledge, my new ''Mask'' of hypochondria, so to speak, is about HIV this time around.

And the spiral started all over. I walked the dog, cut myself somehow without remembering,(As my dog is a gigantic hassle to control), and thought that I got HIV by touching something with blood. It's quite literally, an illogical thought process.

But it struck really bad, when I remembered that long ago, my babysitter slept in the same bed as me(Or rather, I wanted to stay at her house and being a tiny kid wanted to sleep with her like I did with my mom) And I may have fabricated a memory of her molesting me. And once I figured out the trauma could've blocked it out, or that my childish mind back then thought I was being played with simply, I LOST IT. I wanted to scream so badly when I thought of the possibility of her infecting me and for such a long time.

I get that this makes zero sense, and that there's more to the story, as she had a very morbid sense of humor and probably contributed majorly to my issues now, but this is killing me.

My parents would laugh if I told them this, and so would some of my ''friends'' from school. But this is such an odd thing for me to deal with. Can you imagine how my mom would react? if I told her exactly what I said here. She'd laugh. It's due to that lack of support and financial stability(another long story) that I came here.

So I don't know what to do, since I legitimately believe I'm infected now. And even with all of this, I have to ask her some questions like how old I was exactly back then to estimate this junk. But yeah. And I am a guy, in case it's relevant. And, as a bonus, my elective class in school went over this topic as it's a health class. Yep. Never taking those again for the sake of my sanity.

I don't know now. Why I even wrote this, as it make about as much sense as bologna riding a chicken through space, but whatever.

Can someone ease my mind a little? Somehow?

It's junk like this that makes me hate having a human body, and hate having to inevitably develop sexual feelings towards MEN even.(Yep, I'm basically gay, but it's off topic)

Thanks, and hopefully this junk can all end one day.

I'd recommend obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html as a read. If you haven't already. It's good for language to describe what's going on. And the author had a fear of rabies among other things. So I hope that it's relatable without being too triggering.

0_Unknown_0 wrote:I don't know now. Why I even wrote this, as it make about as much sense as bologna riding a chicken through space, but whatever.

That's no more true than having HIV in this scenario. It makes perfect sense to me. I've read it here before. It's a hard thing to deal with, very hard. These are ones that I remember because I replied to them. But there are lots of others.

obsessive-compulsive/topic94020.html
sexuality/topic93747.html
hypochondriasis/topic105454.html

The problem is, that reassurance is also legitimising the fear. So I try to do less of that now. Which feels incredibly mean. But if this is a pure O type fear. Then I don't want to make anything worse.

Ada wrote:I'd recommend obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html as a read. If you haven't already. It's good for language to describe what's going on. And the author had a fear of rabies among other things. So I hope that it's relatable without being too triggering.

0_Unknown_0 wrote:I don't know now. Why I even wrote this, as it make about as much sense as bologna riding a chicken through space, but whatever.

That's no more true than having HIV in this scenario. It makes perfect sense to me. I've read it here before. It's a hard thing to deal with, very hard. These are ones that I remember because I replied to them. But there are lots of others.

obsessive-compulsive/topic94020.html
sexuality/topic93747.html
hypochondriasis/topic105454.html

The problem is, that reassurance is also legitimising the fear. So I try to do less of that now. Which feels incredibly mean. But if this is a pure O type fear. Then I don't want to make anything worse.

Yeah, I see where your coming from with the not indulging the thoughts. It's really the only way to beat it. Even a test itself would still have loopholes. And sorry for the late response. Some junk happened that lead to me posting elsewhere and stuff. Thinking back, there's a whoooole truckload of things that could've ''infected'' me XD. Once not too long ago, I was being a perverted little ass and sniffed the underwear of an older dude I had a crush on(Son of one of my mom's friends.) after he exercised. I even took it with and lost it a while ago -_- I was an idiot back then. And things like that. I'm certain he isn't infected at all, and it's not like there could've been semen in the underwear. But the catch is: I can't remember it accurately. So my mind starts twisting the scenarios and creating nightmares all over again. If anything, this is more obsessively worrisome than the babysitter scenario. Because it happened just a year or two ago.(I matured A LOT during this span surprisingly). And such, the ''symptoms'' wouldn't manifest until I'm in my 20's. And everyone would panic and yada yada. That's essentially how my thought process goes. Since I can't remember an event, my brain takes whatever is worrying me and twists it like crazy. This popped up recently, but I'm trying to not let the thoughts consume me among other things. It's a really annoying process -_- It really is. But thanks for the reply!

And another thing, what should I do if another thought of contracting comes in? as in events that had happened recently? given that whole ''new'' scenario I described, was there a risk? do I use that same strategy for newer, more anxiety provoking thoughts as well?, thanks.(Is there a risk for contraction from doing things like that? like not fully immersing yourself in stuff but touching certain fluids and whatnot? seems like I'm leading myself back into another thought cloud, but I'd really like to know).

Just try to remind yourself (briefly) that HIV is spread via direct contact - sharing needles/blood products, having unprotected sex with men or women. There are no documented or proven cases of HIV transmission from touching someone, smelling underwear even if it was soiled with semen, using a public toilet that had remnants of semen or blood that you sat on, or any of these situations people worry about. HIV is very weak outside of the human host, it dies quickly. Plus you need to consider that HIV is not widespread in USA, England, Australia etc. It is somewhat more common in gay men but just like anyone... participating in unprotected sex with many partners puts you at risk... male/female/gay/straight. All you need to worry about is using condoms /having a partner use condoms in your future, to prevent HIV. None of these other minor things will give you HIV.
All you can do is try to distract yourself from the thoughts. Don't focus on them, don't fight them with all your might. Acknowledge them, remind yourself of reality, try to let the thought pass through you, and go and do another activity or something mentally distracting.