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I am perpetually stuck in my life

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I am perpetually stuck in my life

Postby Markness » Wed May 23, 2018 4:59 am

I can't move forward in my life. I suffer from strong anxiety, shyness, insomnia spells that resist sleeping pills, low self-esteem, clinical depression, and I have Aspergers on top of all of these things. I don't have any special talents despite wanting to be a good guitarist (I just can't learn most songs no matter how hard I try to learn them) and an artist (I mess up whenever I attempt drawing or painting) but I am just a failure at everything. I don't have a girlfriend and my dating as well as social skills are way behind for someone my age (29). I don't have a college degree, I work a boring day job only part time, earn poverty level income, and still live with my mother. I feel like I've failed at life and I am just going to suffer until my death.
Markness
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Re: I am perpetually stuck in my life

Postby Markness » Tue Jun 05, 2018 2:59 am

I was born premature and wasn't expected to live for very long. Why didn't I die? Life hates me but why am I still alive?
Markness
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Re: I am perpetually stuck in my life

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:18 pm

i had a friend at uni. he graduated with a first class joint honours degree. he had a good job in the US. he died in a car crash at the age of 26.

i have AS. and i'm not going to tell you that my life is a bowl of cherries. but i've now lived twice as long as my friend. at times like this i think about him and all that he had to live for, and i do wonder why his life was cut so drastically short. but he is dead and i'm still here. it makes no sense to me.

i will say this: life doesn't hate you. you hate yourself. and you're using excuses, such as your premature birth, to justify that hatred. it's not true. we are whoever we are. we have to choose to be the best that we can be. being successful or popular or whatever are all very nice but they're only superficial. they don't necessarily mean that you're a nice, or even a happy, person.

one of my worst discoveries in life was realising just how much everything i did revolved around wanting people to actually like me. and since they never did, i sort of stopped trying. being actually liked is hellishly difficult for people with AS. in the real world it's all too easy for other people to tell that there's 'something' wrong with me. but not everyone is like that. and this is why it's important not to condemn yourself before other people do it for you.

now, one of my favourite things is buddhism. i'm a christian, however, there's so much good stuff in buddhism that it's a great place to find a worldview that's more compassionate, both to yourself and to other people. and i'm a big dalai lama fan too. give it a go and see what you think.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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