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Little moments

Hope, Healing and Coping.

Little moments

Postby Justddrown » Tue Nov 14, 2017 5:17 am

So I have a lot of self doubt and hightened anxiety and a history of both doing deviant and insane things as well as coming off as someone I'm actually not. I'm trying really hard to break free from things and finding love within my heart for what I once looked down on blind to my own sins equal to worse of theirs. I'm trying to break free of feeling the need to save face through being candid to show a shift and that I've changed and am growing. I'm trying to not let psychosis run my life but to be me and embody who I want to be as a human being. I'm looking for the right direction from what I can comsiously decide what's worth instilling while not being a slave to the illusion of delusion. Trying to find enlightenment within myself. It's exhausting, it's a search but I see a man who's eyes have opened a bit in the mirror each day. I want to break this psychotic cycle of viewing myself as a muse and not a student to what can be learned from life mine as well as others. I feel someone deep inside that could take on the world but must understand that this is nobody's life obligation. I've long since felt different and long since felt this drift from conventionality outside of any confines of social hierarchy and that I've abused my image and raised so much hell that I can't fathom why I'm still loved and how hard it must be for everyone around me or has ever been around me not to want to distance and alienate themselves from me completely where their faith in me comes from and how anyone could truly love me because if they only knew they certainly wouldn't be able to. I try to show respect and I feel bad for them even having to have remote contact with me at times. But sometimes whether it be however many years and I'll come across someone who's seen me at my worst and they'll smile or shake my hand or even their body language will convey that I'm not as much of an outsider my real hope deep down is that they've seen a change for the better. I received a smile the other week from a woman I never thought could look at me with the positive light I haven't recalled since childhood. In fact two. Now due to the longstanding relationship between our families and such it felt very scary because I was shown something I hadn't seen as an adult. I've been finding myself and trying to rebuild to be a better man for the longhaul and it's moments like that where I have to reflect later mostly due to how much rushed and @!@@@! in the moment and I'll try to dissect it later of course but it's positive whatever I find from them on becomes less haunting. I cling to these things too much if they're still on my mind weeks later but it's the difference between tears and a little more peace and it helps a light inside become a little brighter. I'm the type of guy that appreciates moments like these more than guess what celebrity I met. These moments last a lifetime for me and they promote positive thoughts. So somebody out their remember that a little smile or hello time of day you can make someone your equal or acknowledge their prescience can go an awful long way. Remember that while we deal with terrible issues that everyone else in the world does as well. Remember that people that fill shoes with these issues as well often have it worse than we do and while we may look up for these smiles we can give these moments to others as well.
Justddrown
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Re: Little moments

Postby Justddrown » Tue Nov 14, 2017 5:28 am

While I am not a fan of censorship I understand the concept of a trigger word. The word that was censored was not a vulgar or curse word and not used or implied negatively and in my opinion could actually help given its context and makes it hard to understand my statement so I will replace said word with a synonym (memories*).
Justddrown
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 150
Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2017 4:51 am
Local time: Wed Mar 03, 2021 7:15 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


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