Hope is Lost *TW*

Who is the guy you are in love with? Why are you in love with him.
Do you ever wonder that if you actually had him,you might stop wanting him.
I wonder that about myself. I mean when i am in love i think there is no way i would stop having this feeling.
But it does seem maybe i only want things because i can't have them supconciously.i wonder if that is a fear of intimacy or abandonment.
The worse is that i feel repulsed too. And it feels like hell.

nice that you get good feelings from peoples comments on your game content

( i used to build game maps for raven-shield) and gaming websites a long time ago ..and i loved the feedback i got to....it boosted me. so i personally know that feeling you mention

( i actually miss that life)

In Re to the craving 3D friends ofc that is understandable

@jullia - It's complicated. I have known him since high school and I had a huge crush on him. Many years later, I started dating his brother and got engaged to him. But I was still in love with the other guy. Both of our mothers said I was with the wrong guy, and should have been with the guy I am in love with. I ended things with my fiance and haven't spoken to them since. But every once in a while I have dreams about this guy and my feelings come back. I am still in love with him, and wish I would have dated him instead. But in reality, I probably would have done the same to him; get sick of him. So it makes sense what you said: wanting something you can't have. But the love I have for him, and how comfortable our friendship was.. I have never felt that way about anyone else in my entire life. I almost feel like he was "the one" and I completely blew it. I know I will never find anyone like him again.

@Echinacea - It sucks! My best friend of 18 years died 4 years ago. I am completely lost without him. Just like the guy I mentioned above, I will never find anyone anywhere near as special to me as that friend. I just feel like my life is in a complete shambles. I lost everything. And I don't know if I can go on living anymore. I try to move on, but these feelings just keep coming back and it really depresses me.

Nothing is getting better, it just keeps getting worse. I don't see myself going anywhere in life. The only thing that could possibly happen is moving to Wisconsin with my mom and living with her until the day I die, because she will outlive me.

I understand the way to described the sad loss of your best friend. some bonds are extremely special and its totally understandable that you are wanting to find this again (not as a replacement) but because it is something that is missing in your life. Dont give up on this tho, nobody can tell you what the future brings but we all live in hope ...i know your hope is lost atm but dont close that door yet.

@Echinacea - Thank you.

I have gone 4 years without him already, so I guess I am able to manage. I'm sure I'll pull out of this eventually. It's just so emotionally draining.

Sorry for late reply

Your welcome any time.
I know its hard (im in a circle of this myself atm)

but hang on in there, you are not alone in this.