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The Dance - Idealization, Devaluation, Discard?

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The Dance - Idealization, Devaluation, Discard?

Postby freeq7322 » Sun Feb 19, 2023 9:15 pm

Hi Guys,

first of all I wanted to show my gratitude to everyone who was contributing to the creation of this forum and especially the topic regarding HPD. It helped me a lot.

I wanted to share my story in order to understand better what exactly happened.
I am a almost 32 year old guy and after many years of having no problems in meeting people and/or relationships at all I came into the conclusion that I will try one of the famous dating apps.

There I found a girl, a kid who was clearly visible on the pictures. We started writing in Dec 2022 for almost a month and I've finally met her in January 2023. After our first meet up, where she got drunk a little bit and at the end - invited me to her place (first red flag back then), we talked for another hour - she was clearly ready to have sex but I did not wanted to, I left the place.

We've met for the second time 2 days later, had many hours of conversations (where I was mainly asking her very deep - psychological questions, in order to understand her better).

After the 2nd meeting the frequency of our meetups increased, we both clearly showed intrest in each other.

It ended up that on the 18th of January she finally showed more intrest in me than before and asked me a question "what do I feel towards her" - although I was already feeling butterflies in my belly I was not ready for the question. In any case I told her that I started to treat her "differently" than just a "woman that I know" - she understood my messsage and kissed me.

From that moment we were "together" as a couple.

approx 10 days later we went together for a 3 day short holiday, where we continued to talk, had some very deep (as I thought back then) conversations where she started to share her stories. I felt so comfortable that I have shared my painful stories with her as well.

I told her about me losing a child 3 years ago, I told her about me being a witness during a fatal car-accident....and here is where "the party started".

After we came back from the holidays, having a two-three day "break" from each other she messsaged me out of the blue that the frequency of our meetups where too "much" for her and...she told me that my stories weren't true, that I somehow made those up, that I was behaving "wierd" while telling them. She wanted me to show her "proofs" of those etc.. I was...freaking confused about it and did not know exactly what happened.

Within 1 day she became distant, saying that she "cannot give me a stable relationship" and offering me a "open relationship" - meaning by that, we will remain in contact while having another f**k buddies along the way. She was cleary testing my boundaries, looking how far can I go, although I said to her in the very begginng that I am monogamic and it won't budge.

I was so "in love" apparently and did not want to lose her that I lost it completely saying that I can try to do it but I will need some time to think it over. Then I came accross this forum (thank god), read lots of stuff and 3 days later I met her to tell her some additional things and to say that I will not be able to do this "open relation" stuff. I told her also that I was considering to be just "friends" but if she does not trust me on my story, then what is the point to be "friends" where the trust is not there. I need to underline thatt she tried to insult me in some way saying that I have "many faces" - without my reaction but the most important thing is that she remained silent during my "speech".

I ended the conversation and said that I will need some time, indicating clearly that I dont know how long it will take. She asked me a question if there is a possibility that I will keep silent forever where I have replied positively on - saying that there is a possibility that I will never contact her again.

It's already seven days NC, I feel better although I still think about her - not obssesivly though but still I am wondering about one thing.

Was her "lack of trust" in me just an excuse to go back to her "old habits" and a form of a test for me?

Thank you in advance for all the answers.

Greetings from Europe.
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Re: The Dance - Idealization, Devaluation, Discard?

Postby freeq7322 » Tue Feb 21, 2023 8:58 pm

Forgot to add that she is diagnosed with HPD
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Re: The Dance - Idealization, Devaluation, Discard?

Postby IntrinsicFactor » Mon Feb 27, 2023 7:49 pm

This one sounds pretty straight forward. HPD and NPD share a lot of overlap, with gaslighting being a common theme among both disorders. She is now gaslighting you, in order to convince you that you are the unstable one, you are the one who can't be trusted, and you are the one who is making the relationship seem awkward. This is all her way of keeping you off balance so you won't see through her facade to what's really going on under the surface - which is insecurity, anger, and a desperate need for attention. It is likely that her threats of wanting to put distance between you and her is her way of seeing if you will pursue her, thus giving her the attention and narcissistic supply she is seeking you to provide. Unfortunately, your sharing of those deeply personal details so early on was probably a bad decision, although it probably seemed like a good idea at the time in order to establish a closer emotional connection with her. Now, she may begin using these personal details against you if you decide to maintain any type of relationship as a way to control you.

Her "lack of trust" is nothing more than projection - She refuses to see in herself what she is accusing you of, leading back to the notion of gaslighting. As long as she can keep you questioning reality, she knows you won't be able to notice all that is messed up with her.

My advice - Walk away. The sooner, the better.
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