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Aware of my lack of thoughts/feeling fake, unreal

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Aware of my lack of thoughts/feeling fake, unreal

Postby Nonexistent » Sun Dec 08, 2019 6:50 pm

So basically what happens is when Im in a conversation I realize as I'm saying something where those words are coming from. Like I'm pulling them out of nowhere. Like they're not coming from me as a person But rather I'm constructing a thought actively, consciously. When I become aware of this as I'm speaking, I can never complete my thought. Then I just end up trailing off. I am fully conscious of every element of my interactions with people, and I feel fake. All my interactions feel fake and forced on my part. I was at a party yesterday, and I was staring off into space without realizing it and got called on it a couple of times. And I felt like people were just able to see into my mind and I had to leave the party. I tried to fool myself into thinking I was having anxiety because of this, that, and the other, but really I think it's that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't getting attention. 2 of my friends were the only people on the dance floor during one song and I was jealous of that. I was jealous of them fulfilling my fantasy. I was jealous of the attention and the applause and Cheers that they got. I was anxious too because somebody kept asking me if I was OK and he was saying something to his wife about me and I couldn't hear what he said and it bothered me the rest of the night. Because I felt like he was this much closer to cracking the code of what's going on inside my head. Anyway, don't feel the need to respond to this. It's just my diary. I told myself I wouldn't come back to this website because every time I read the forums I freak out and think I'm a disgusting human being and I'll never be happy and at some point people are going to find out who I am. But here I am again.
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Re: Aware of my lack of thoughts/feeling fake, unreal

Postby xdude » Wed Dec 11, 2019 1:18 am

First, and foremost.

You are not a disgusting human for having HPD. It's a real disorder, painful for some, and it's not something anyone chooses. For whatever it's worth though, it took me a long time (almost a decade?) to learn more about this disorder. From the outside it's confusing, but no doubt it is even more so for those who experience it.

For whatever it's worth, we all put on a persona around others we don't know well. I realize that is not the same as what you meant, but the inclination is there for many. Probably not to the same degree you mean, but us cluster B types tend to do and think in extremes.

Best,
xdude
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Re: Aware of my lack of thoughts/feeling fake, unreal

Postby Ringil » Wed Dec 11, 2019 9:43 pm

Hi,

I'm male, have (almost) no HPD characteristics, recently found out that a colleague of mine, who came very far in manipulating my attention for her, has HPD. I read about HPD and here is what can happen after your unvoluntary "coming out", at least it happend with me and her:

- I started to establish a positive caring feeling. I'm thinking 'what would she need'.
- Now I try to give her a bit more everyday attention than I'd normally do (I'm really really bad at giving attention, it's a shame, but at least I try)
- I understood her (a bit) better, and I have a higher opinion of her. It's a difference if I feel manipulated without reason, just for fun. Or if I feel manipulated by a person who has some kind of pain/hunger that forces she.
- I'd be more strict with red lines not to be crossed. For her this is probably a good thing, a tiny little bit more safety boundaries.
- I will not think bad of her when she has issues like suddenly leaving the room. Now I understand (a bit) why, this eases me to tolerate little oddities.
- I avoid criticizing her too directly.
- I recommended her in my company for a special position that needs high skills in human interaction. (Because that's the upside, there's the talent.)
- Limerence dropped rapidly, which makes the (few) interactions between us more natural, and makes me suffer quite less. So this helps me, in case this might be relevant to an HPD. (Lowering limerence would not have happened in a relation, there limerence would have been unaffected, or probably even be risen because of more understanding.)

Just one example of what can happen ... people start to care and tolerate more ... Don't be afraid, most people are nice and compassionate. (Ok, not everyone, but most)

Ringil
(Cultural background: Europe)
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