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HDP- Respond or Not?

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HDP- Respond or Not?

Postby PsychMikeZ » Sun Oct 06, 2019 3:26 am

I met this girl in rehab, first mistake. Once I got out in December we started seeing each other, immediately I saw red flags and told her. She got mad so I let it go. Over the course of the next few months we dated, if you can call it that. I became her sole support system for her alcoholism and she helped me with money. Later accused me of using her even though I played her back $400 and was letting her use my truck with no driver's license.

She had relapsed and had to go back to inpatient. Shortly after she told me she didnt feel safe and was harrassed and asked me to help her. I helped her get out and told her we needed to get her into another center. I wanted to get her safe but the truth was that she wanted to get out to be with me and drink. Once I realized she had drinking while I was putting her before everything in my life I got mad. So I jumped into action to get her into a new treatment center. In her defense I could have been more compassionate to her problem, once we got her in I didnt talk to her for 3 weeks and had told her I was disconnect before she went in. I know I hurt her and probably made her feel abandoned, to be honest a part of me was done but I still bought her a promise ring because I really liked her too.

Her birthday came and I tried to get ahold her but they said she couldnt have visitors. I think she just left me off her ROI. I told her daughter to tell her I loved her but she didnt say it back and I could see why she thought i dumped her and didnt care it was her bday. I told her Itried to get ahold of her to come visit and the reason why I was so upset when she went in but she wasnt hearing it.
Then out of nowhere this guy contacted me to tell me a bunch of nasty things about her. She told me before this guy was a stalker and she was basically hiding from him.Appreantly they had gone through court because she slandered his name and he wanted to prove they had been in a relationship. He even gave me her ex number to back what he saying, when I called her ex he had nothing but good to say about her. I thought it was all weird, she had told me about this guy before and that she never dated him.

Anyway in attempt to win her over i told her about this guy, that backfired. She became convinced I was trying to trick her or something. I tried to get in touch with her but she wouldnt talk to me. I should have left it at that but I persisted which made things worse. Now not only did she think i had dumped her and abandoned her and wondered if cheated she also thought I was in cahoots with this guy when I was actually trying to protect her. I could see where she was coming from but at the same time I had stood by her through A LOT. I was there for her when no one else was and I felt like that wasnt even considered. In fact that's when she started in saying I had used her for money and sex too (i think the sex part was a projection from guys from the past).

I didnt hear anything from her for almost 2 months while she was in there. Finally I sent her message to tell her I didnt know what was going on, if she was out or even wanted to be together and that I was going to move on. 2 mi ites later she called. She told me she had been out for a week and was scared to call me because I was so persistent and frustrated she wanted talk to me way back while she was I there.

In the begining when we started talking she saw me a couple times, wanted me to be sure about being with her. She told me she did t want to have sex because she was trying to get back to her religious beliefs. I felt super guilty for everything before and while she was inpatient. I felt like I did something wrong however my therapist said I set a boundary by not putting up with her behavior before she went in and while I could have been more understanding when I fou d out she was drinking my reaction was natural and that going back on my stance.

This is when I started to love her more than myself and lost myself in the process. She kept telling me I used her and that i was going to get back everything I did one day. She would only see me if she needed a ride and rarely called me or answered. She became extremely mean and when I got upset because we never had time together somehow I would feel like the asshole. I was getting accused for cheating on her and we started fighting really bad and sai mean things to eachother. Then she would threaten to leave and then I got all the blame for everything. I k ow I played my part but I would tell her it takes 2 and she would shut down and hang up only to go days without talking to me. She started throwing everything on me saying I was bipolar and that she showed her therapist my texts who said I was a narcissist. When it was good she would tell me she could come see me after she got through.the stress of court, then she had another court date and she had to get through that. She said I was a bad bf because I wouldnt come to her even when I didnt have gas and bring all the stuff about using her. Just before she broke up with me she was super distant, I never saw her and she said it was because she was spending time with her kids, and I was lucky to talk to her 2 a week.

She had community service hours and I was giving her rides. One day she had me get her for lunch and I was goi g to pick her up later. She never called and when I finally got ahold of her she said we never made plans for me to get her and that she got a ride home from some guy. I was scared to ask further. Then she told me she was going on a weekend retreat after we made plans to hang out and a couple day later we got I to a fight because I was upset I never saw her. She said she had told me 7 times she was done and had no love for me. I asked her of she was seeing someone else and she said "we can".
We broke up.

A week goes by and one night I'm working nights across the street from an apartment complex. I had my location sharing and suddenly I get a text from her saying hey I know where you are and that. I had been talking to so.e girls online in other countries to get her off my mind but she thought I was with somone. I wanted to make her jealous so I let her think that. The next day she told me she loved me (very half ass I might add) and I came running back. Then I told her the truth about the girls.

She started talking to me for a few days then it went back to maybe 2 week. She went back to treatment a second time for almost a little over a month and again while she was there I never heard from her except maybe 2.She called me once I to the first couple days to ask if I loved her and to say she was getting out in a week. 2 weeks went by before she called again to tell me she was getting out in a week. Then her daughter text me to say "mom said she doesnt need the ride". I must have wrote 25 letters before I sent one telling her if she doesn't make me part of her life then I wont be. I didnt know if she was out either so I sent her a bunch of texts mixed of telling her how much I loved her and I wasnt going to stay with her because I thought she was out and just not talking to me like the last time. I didnt hear from her again for 2 more weeks when she told me her therapist said I was bad for her and that's why I couldnt see her but she was getting out in that friday. I felt like $#%^ and a bad person yet I kept thinking I have been her only support system in recovery, if it wasnt for me she wouldnt even be there! Friday came and nothing. The next day I went to send her a text and saw she was online, she didnt respond for the whole weekend.
Then about a 2 weeks after she became extremely nice and started telling how much she loves me and wants to have my baby and get married. She wanted to co.e stay over but then somehow we got into a fight and she told me it's because of me she wants to drink all the time. The next night when she was going to stay over she called and said she wanted to co.e over so bad and she wanted to make me lunch to show me she cares and would come over that weekend. She mad lunch but didnt come over.

That week she called me one night to tell she had been in a biking accident and if it wasnt for a passer by she woulndt have gotten to the hospital. When I picked up she said "you probably dont care but I severed my collar bone". Of course I cared, I love her. She asked me to meet her at the hospital the next day at 3. When I got there she didnt show up till 4 and asked what I was doing there. While we was in the examination room her phone rang. Her daughter happened to be holding it and when she passed it to her mom I saw the name matt on the screen. She didnt answer but then said she wanted to go in the hall for air. Me and her daughter were talking and when she came I she got mad that we was talking behind her back.

The next day she did stay over but didnt want sex because of her collar bone. Mind you at this point we have had sex maybe 3 times in the past 4 months. The next day I brought it up and asked her who matt was that was calling. She got really defensive and said I was I secure and wouldnt let her have friends. She said he was an old friend she dated a couple times. I asked if she had sex with him when they dated and she said no. Then she said had talked to him the other day and he yelled at her daughter because she didnt say hi. I asked how was he even talking to her daughter and how would he yell at her? She said because her texts and phone calls go to her daughter's phone to. If her daughter answered the phone e she would say hi then she told me he had stopped by because he was passing by.
The next day she was going back to treatment and I was taking her, I called her in the morning but she didnt answer. I called her daughter who said she wouldnt answer her either. I asked her if she left with a friend, or take her bike and her daughter told me her bike was in Matt's truck.

That's when I confronted her and she finally admitted to have been cheating on me for the past 2 months. She said it was because I talked to those girls yet i know it's been going on way longer.
The last few messages I sent her I feel were degrading. I told her I forgive her and loved her and I told her I was sorry for hurting her and please forgive me.
She responded the other day to tell me she wasnt with that guy anymore Then she sent a text that mad no sense telling me I deserve better but she does too and that I'm in the wrong too and how she deserves forgiveness even though I already said I do. Then the last one was super sweet saying she was so sorry amd shade mistake and she lost the best thing that ever happened to her and how good I was to her and how her heart will always be open to me amd shell love me forever and all that. I havent responded at all in almost week but I feel like the last couple of messages I sent left things open for misinterpretation. I only forgave her because I do t want to carry that anger and resentment and I have to keep forgiving her. And I asked for her forgiveness as a means to make amends for hurting her but shes making it out to be like were equal. I dont want to leave her with the impression I'm saying anything like that and i want to tell her I have no I tentions of going back to her. I want to tell her off.

This whole time I had been there for her at a moments notice still putting my life on hold. I lost contact with everyone and became completely miserable.

I would appreciate any feedback, should I make my poi t more clear and tell her not to contact me or continue with no contact and not say anything?
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Re: HDP- Respond or Not?

Postby Aries411 » Mon Oct 07, 2019 12:18 am

Welcome to the forum PsychMike,

That is quite a story and an emotional roller coaster. It seems like you two have been in years worth of back and forth in terms of feelings and relationship status.
It does however seem like you are seeing the end of it and deciding how to close it.
I can really support both your decisions, but you can judge which would sound more like her..
1. Just continue to ignore her. Over time, she will get the idea that you are not interested and move on and stop contacting you.
2. Tell her to not contact you anymore. This should give you better closure, but it also open communication again and gives her the attention she seeks. I don't know what she might say, but it may drag this ending longer than you want..

You have sacrificed a lot of heart and emotion through this relationship and I don't see it changing if you end up with her. Some people thinks it make be worth all this turmoil, but I don't think it is.
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Re: HDP- Respond or Not?

Postby xdude » Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:18 pm

Hey PsychMikeZ,

So we cannot diagnose here, but in terms of thoughts and advice -

Two things really stood out for me.

1.) She sounds manipulative, using you when it's beneficial, tossing you aside when not.

2.) From what I am understood, you got triangulated. Triangulation, you, her, and oh a 3rd person to compete or play games with. This is an impossible to win situation, except for to not play. Might be worth looking more about 'triangulation', because it is a manipulation tool, and I really want to re-emphasize, there is no way to win but to step away.

If she is the manipulative person you've experienced so far, if she lacks the empathy you seek, then the only thing to do is to get out. You deserve better. People without empathy don't magically grow empathy, and even if that is possible, it won't be because you invest more emotionally at repeated harm to yourself. You need to take care of you man, your feelings matter. I am not religious, but something about don't give your pearls (your good heart) to swines was very wise advice, because you will the one will end up hurt, and for her it will just be a game.

Take care of you first!
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