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A Non dealing with possible HPD friend/fwb

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A Non dealing with possible HPD friend/fwb

Postby Frustrated698 » Sat Sep 21, 2019 8:42 am

I'm gay, and I've known this guy for several years now. But in the course of that, I've noticed some very odd behavior from him which I now suspect could be untreated HPD, as my experience with him has been similar to other guys he's been with.

He starts off posting about he's depressed or needs to talk to someone, and then if it's a guy, he tends to come on strong and starts feeling things, despite only talking a short while. One of my friends dated him briefly and showed me messages where he'd say "you're the best boyfriend I've ever had" after they only talked for 2 days. The guy needed a break from him, at which point he said "I understand, and even though it hurts, I respect your need for space, but I've been depressed and can be impulsive, so idk if I'll do anything stupid". Whenever he does have a boyfriend, he's always hooking up on the side, and he's hit up a few of my straight friends (some who were in relationships), trying to get them to have sex with him. In terms of friends, his relationships seem pretty shallow, and if it's in a group, sometimes he'll run off, overcome with emotions and hoping people will follow him and ask what's wrong.

I know when he first met one of my friends, he said "I'm going to break up you and your girlfriend" and tried kissing him. When the other friends yelled at him for it, he ran off and they messaged him. He didn't think there was anything wrong about the way he behaved.

And with me, he'll always come back if we don't talk for a couple weeks, getting all sexual. Which is bad, because I continuously get invested in him because I've always cared for him and tried to help with his issues, but he never wants to take my advice or see a therapist. He tends to shut down when I try to have important conversations with him. And then after 3 or so days, he loses interest and moves on to someone else. I've been way too emotional with him for my own good, and despite him saying he's sorry sometimes for treating me like crap, he continues to do all this stuff. He's gone from loving me to hating me and everything in between, and we fight a lot because I call him out on what he's doing, but he doesn't seem to care how he makes other people feel. He just does what he wants and says "this is the way I am, if you don't like it, there's the door". :cry:

Obviously I'm not a professional, so I can't say if it's genuinely HPD or not, but he seems to fit a good number of criteria for it. I'm just not sure how to help, because I'm a sensitive, emotional person and it all started with us helping each other with anxiety and such, and I always thought he's a good person, just makes some poor choices. But maybe he's always been that way and I was too blind to see it, idk. It's devolved into this weird thing that I'm not sure what to do with anymore.

He'll say we should hang and he wants this or that, then suddenly he doesn't. I have to wonder if I'm just one guy in his endless roster of boys he talks to when he's bored and wanting sex. So lately, I'm just not talking to him for a while until he hopefully learns to respect and value me as a friend, but I'm so scared that's not going to happen. Because even when I've liked him, he'd always be chasing other guys or saying how amazing they were. But then why, through every relationship, does he keep coming back to me?

It's just so confusing to deal with. Like I'm fine being fwb with him, but he's never up front and his mood can change in an instant. When he's bored of me, he'll say he's sleepy or not in the mood to talk, then Snapchats constantly with other people. So I'm really not sure what to do anymore, other than not talk to him. Which makes me anxious if I don't, and anxious if I do. :cry:
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Re: A Non dealing with possible HPD friend/fwb

Postby xdude » Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:53 pm

Hey Frustrated698,

Since we cannot diagnose here, all I can write on that is it could be you got the diagnosis right. On that all I can add is that if you are attacked by something that looks like a big cat, it only matters so much if you think it's a Cougar, a Panther, a Tiger, etc. Just an analogy on why the label only matters so much. What is important is what you do know...

No matter the label, you know several things. You know what you've seen from his behavior, and labels aside, you can see there are issues, or at least that what drives him and you are very different motives.

One thing that did stand out is the phrase "untreated HPD". There is really no such thing as treatment, unless the person with HPD chooses that, and many do not, or if they do, it won't be because of any structured reason. They might, due to an epiphany or some unpredictable reason, but if he does have HPD, he absolutely will reject others attempting to rehabilitate him. That is a dead end for sure.

My only tiny bit of advice, definitely focus on what it is you want from him, why, and figure that out and you'll know what to do next. If you don't yet understand your own motives, it's impossible to even start on figuring out his.
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