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Hi I'm new here

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Hi I'm new here

Postby Tender » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:09 am

I've been wondering for a very long while that I have HPD and the last nail on the coffin was that a girl who I know said that I'm hard to grasp cause I have such a impressionistic way of speech.

Other symptoms:

I have orgasm dysfunction in the way that penis works just fine, but the orientation towards the orgasm is all wrong and it becomes not that pleasant experience. It could be compared to smoking a cigarette. I like to flirt with almost everyone in an unhealthy way. In the way that I repair my self-esteem as not dysfunctional, but again it rarely leads to sex as the pressure to please the other participant as a man grows too high and again becomes so what not that enjoyable as an experience.

I love attention tho and constantly seek validation through it through the kick you get through exhibitionist behavior as a man or looking really out of the crowd. I crave for novelty as well which puts me into problems a lot of times as it usually leads to Narcissists who again seem to hate my kind of men above anything else ( I find it odd that they again love HPD women tho ). Whenever I'm faced with social anxiety I have to counter it with by grabbing the attention it's like "I'm better" or when I'm in a room full of women I again feel the anxiety that I have to counter with "I'm sexual".

I'm a pathological liar and I'm prob lying in this text as well ( can't tell anymore ). I love to lie and manipulate but in away that it's 'good' for people. Like influencing and making them glad. I don't really have any emotions of my own anymore so I just think what the other person is thinking. So I kinda end up being the other person constantly depending who am I with. I like to exaggerate and be theatrical in my emotions, cause I rarely experience them so whenever something happens I have to fake the emotion ad when I try to force the emotion ( which I can feel slightly ) the enforcement kinda causes me to be overly theatrical.

What else? I have chronic alcohol problem and I can't stand being alone so I have to in a company 24/7. Love to talk about myself and I feel comfortable when someone is constantly talking to me even tho I might express it as being annoyed at times. I like to push and pull and be cold towards people just for attention at times. I'm kinda aloof a lot of times too.

I think the whole thing is a cope up cause I was so heavily bullied in elementary school that I started enjoying the bullying as attention and instead of seeing myself as faulty or retarded I started seeing myself as very special. The inner completely bashed self-esteem which was caused by the very heavy bullying again was replaced by this outer theatrical showroom, which seeks fuel constantly in order to maintain so it doesn't have to face the real very vulnerable fragile me who sees himself as nonfunctional and in some sense retarded.

It's kinda hard to give in cause you constantly make excuses for yourself to change your behavior and yet you can't stop yourself from constantly lying about everything, cause the other option is facing your true self which is impossible.

Ps. how do you upload the avatar btw? There's no upload button?
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Re: Hi I'm new here

Postby xdude » Fri Nov 09, 2018 3:21 pm

Hi Tender,

Could be but we aren't qualified to diagnose here. From an opinion point of view (i.e., this is just a guess, it's not a professional diagnosis), certainly what you've written seems to match some of the thinking and symptoms of HPD, but yea, you'd need to speak with a professional to get a real answer.

For whatever it's worth though some professionals won't diagnosis a disorder like HPD in those who are self-aware like you are. You appear to have very good insights into what is motivating you, and some professionals seem to believe that to truly meet the criteria, a person has to be unaware of their disorder. On the flip side, a diagnosis only matters so much anyway. It could still be valuable to you to speak with someone about what you know, what you are feeling and why.
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