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Emptiness

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Emptiness

Postby Nonexistent » Sat May 19, 2018 3:53 pm

This is just a post to express my feelings (if histrionic individuals even have feelings; idk anymore). It’s just a bunch of random “word vomit.”

I tried to tell my therapist I have HPD. I want to work on it, to fix it. She doesn’t believe I have it. I can’t do this on my own but she dismisses the idea that I may have a personality disorder every time I bring it up.

I have said this so many times before that it’s become redundant but I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask? I’m alone most of the time and that’s when I have time to think. Time to think about how alone I am, how the people in my life now don’t really care about me and won’t be in my life forever, how empty I am.

I sometimes wonder how I would react to something like losing a loved one. I dread that moment because I don’t even know if I’ll feel anything. And that’s the moment when the people I don’t want to lose will realize what I am and they’ll leave me. I’m constantly worried people will find out about my HPD. That would change everything. I sometimes wonder if some of them already know.

I feel empty. I feel sad but numb at the same time. Like I can’t even cry anymore. Feelings of self-loathing went away for a while but now they’re circling back around. I don’t know. I don’t see a future for myself. I don’t see happiness for myself.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I’m miserable. And I know it’s selfish but I really wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. Maybe you won’t believe that since it’s coming from a histrionic. But even histrionics feel hopeless. I’m scared of death and craving it at the same time. It would mean I don’t have to deal with myself anymore. Have you ever had to live with someone you can’t stand? Well that’s me living with myself. It makes you desperate to get away. And there’s only one way out.

I don’t think I’ll ever be normal. I don’t think I could ever be happy. I recently upset one of my closest friends over something irresponsible I did. I panicked. I cried. I had the urge to hurt myself, to kill my self. Eventually I made amends. But it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. And I lose her. I’m screwing up. I’ve had the urge to drop out of school, take my savings and leave the country. Go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. Then kill myself. It’s the only end I see. It’s the only solution.

I’m so done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.
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Re: Emptiness

Postby xdude » Mon May 21, 2018 11:57 am

I've always assumed/believed that people with HPD do have feelings, just that those feelings are confusing to others because of rapid changes, and it's hard to interpret the level of what is felt.

As this site is anonymous, question that may help others to respond -

What does your therapist think is going on?
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Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
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Re: Emptiness

Postby slowlyturningintoyou » Wed Sep 23, 2020 10:01 pm

I was diagnosed with HPD and I've accepted this for just a few days. All I can tell you is you're not alone. My feelings are similar to yours, I can truly understand how you feel.

Today is my first time at the forum and I want (I need) to get over it, but in an optimistical way. My therapist said that it's possible and I've decided to believe her, even being so scared for feeling myself so empy, as everything I lived until now was a fake.

Another very interesting thing my therapist said was that it hurts now because finally I could get my biggest fragility, and at this moment is when people gets stronger.

Maybe we have to disconstruct our self illusion to build a new person, and that will be true. Think about it. Take care.
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