Regrets and loss of friend

A very good friend and mentor of mine died just a little over a year ago now. I lost touch with him and his wife years ago. We drifted apart because I let it happen. I chose to be a people pleaser to someone who couldn’t be pleased. I was to ashamed to stand up for myself and to face them after years of letting a bad relationship ruin a good one. When I found out he had cancer, I pretended I didn’t know. When I found out he had died I just cried alone and didn’t talk about it with anyone.

I can’t undo it now. I can never go back and apologize, or make it right.

I’m having a hard time reconciling my accounts with myself.

I’m still married to the guy that I let them go for to make him happy. I don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t go back. Leaving him won’t fix it.

There are doorways and forks in the road in this life. I feel like mine is starting to feel like Alice’s with endless tea parties full of crazy people and Cheshire cats that appear as floating heads when you least expect them. I don’t know how to get out of this looking glass and back to somewhere.... I don’t know.

Hugs. You're not alone; I would think it's a rare person (and a lucky one) that truly hasn't had regrets alike, or at least similar. Things we should have done, but didn't. I have many.

I feel like my pain is a sort that other people refuse to support. Some people have grief and pain that is easy to love. And some have pain that is just ugly and instead of being supportive, everyone wants to tell me that it’s all my fault and that I deserve what I get. I realize that I am lucky. I’m lucky that the things that hurt me didn’t kill me. I’m lucky that I still have my kids. I feel like just because I was lucky somehow.... I don’t know... I guess I feel like I’m supposed to be fine... just because I have the option to try to pretend like none of it ever happened. And so I am obligated to pretend that nothing happened. I’m supposed to act like I’m fine. I’m supposed to BE fine.

And you think the pain you earlier described in this thread, is ugly? For me, it's very relatable.