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Why don't I feel all that sad?

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Why don't I feel all that sad?

Postby Roseredpinball » Fri Jun 26, 2020 3:28 am

Hello all, not too long ago someone I knew (I suppose you could call them a family friend) passed away due to old age. I'm not certain how close you can say the two of us were, but my family knew hers and she knew me ever since I was a baby. In some ways she was like a third grandmother to me, I guess. In some ways, perhaps, she was even more of a grandmother to me than either of my real grandmothers. She used to teach my older brother back when he was in middle school I think, then she retired but my mother and my brothers and I would still go to her place and do housework occasionally (you could say we were sort of her housekeepers, she paid us for it.) But our relationship ran deeper than just employer and employee. Like I said, she was like family.

A few weeks or perhaps a month ago now, she passed away due to some health complication unrelated to the coronavirus. However, because of the coronavirus I have not been able to attend her wake or funeral (although even if it weren't for the pandemic, I do not know that I would have been invited anyhow since I'm not family.) In spite of this, I don't feel terribly sad. If anything, I feel... I don't know what I feel. Nothing, I guess. I'm sad but, I'm not as broken up over her death as I feel I ought to be. I feel guilty for not mourning her more. I don't know why I don't. Is it because I knew she was old and expected her death for some time, is that why I don't feel sad? Is it because I already haven't seen her for some time and kind of stopped going over to her house to visit since my family and I have been too busy to go over there and work? Or is it because I didn't see her body, so my brain hasn't really processed that she is dead? And if it's a case of the latter, then what can I do to tell my brain she is gone, since I will likely never get to see her body? Thank you very much to anyone who can answer my question(s) and/or provide some reassurance I'm not some cold-hearted monster for not feeling as sad as I think I ought to over this family friend's death.
Roseredpinball
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