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Unresolved feelings & my sisters death

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Unresolved feelings & my sisters death

Postby ThisEndUp » Sat Jul 20, 2019 2:37 pm

My sister died of cancer last year.
Prior to her death she & I had not talked for 2 yrs. I tried to talk to her but she was very stubborn about it, she even wrote me a letter saying she felt better without me in her life.
This fight was horrific for me because I had always been there for her when she had problems, I listened to her, I supported her, I was good to her, and this was really the only fight we had since we were kids so I was dumbfounded that she was unwilling to talk to me to try to resolve it. When she got sick she basically said its over forget the fight, but would never discuss what had happened and yet I felt between us things were not the same. She had always led me to believe that I was closer to her then anyone in her life- she told me that. That was why our fight was so awful for me. For me it was as if we punched each other then never spoke. Then 2 yrs later she said it was over but never discussed the punches again. That is really weird to me. I am a person who discusses emotions, my family does not. I really loved my sister, I remember from the time she was a baby I wanted us to be best friends.
Before our fight I thought we had been very close. This fight made me question our whole relationship.
Her death was also awkward, she basically shut me out almost completely and rarely talked to me. She was also not very nice at times. I lived far away so our conversations were limited , although I had seen her once for a few days just prior to her diagnosis ( we thought she would get better at that point, did not know the devastating cancer she had).
To complicate the whole thing my mother was a wedge between us our whole lives. And she was a wedge between us during this time as well. In fact now that my sister is gone I have felt I just cant deal with my mother at all & have cut contact. She is a narcissist, so I have many reservations about the authenticity of her grief. Her life has always been about her and we seem to just be pawns in it. She tends to make displays on Facebook, which is a bit obscene to me in a way, like she is trying to get attention. I dont want attention, I want my sister back, but Also want to know what happened to us? Why wasn't she willing to talk? Why did she seem to discount everything good I had ever done for her? I know we fought & I am no saint but who is when they fight? People fight. You cant have long relationships in life & never fight. Working together is part of any relationship. I just feel like I didnt know my sister. I thought I did. She said I did but now I doubt our relationship even before the fight. I am hurt I was shut out of her death. I resent my mother because of the wedge she put between us & her fake shows she puts on for crowd. They didnt even have a service for her. She was cremated.
y father died 3 months before my sister and I know I should feel sorry for my mother but I just dont believe her - she has never had any empathy for anyone, and it seems if she grieves my sisters loss it is only for the attention she has lost through her.
I wrote this and its not really enough information, there is so much to the story but its a start.
Does anyone else have someone who died and they have unresolved feelings about their life?
Due To Circumstances Beyond My Control I am Master of My Fate and Captain of My Soul http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AdultsRecoveringFrom-NarcissiticParents/messages
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Re: Unresolved feelings & my sisters death

Postby Cassandre » Tue Jul 30, 2019 8:54 pm

ThisEndUp wrote:Does anyone else have someone who died and they have unresolved feelings about their life?

I have unresolved feelings about most deaths of closed-ones. Mostly because grief is a complicated process, that I wasn't taught. E.g. my mother kept secrets surrounding my father's death until I learnt how he died in my late teens. She found excuses to keep me away from people asking questions. Easier for her to keep me in a state of confusion than to acknowledge what part she played in his death.

In my case, denial was nefarious, it has prevented from grieving for a long time.

As for your sister: not everybody is as overtly narcissistic as your mother or mine. Some people are more quietly egotistic, but can be as unforgiving when you don't have it in you to idealize them anymore. Just a suggestion, not saying this is what happened.

Conquer and divide is my grandmother's favorite weapon. From her nursing home, she maintains a strong influence on the more suggestible members of the family. But I realized that people who give in to the family template modeled by her are so deeply confused themselves that it was never in my power to make it better between us.

I hear your pain regarding your sister's loss but guilt is also a tricky feeling. Guilt can be a symptom of culpability, as it can be a toxic pattern we've been induced into as children so as to create compliance.
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