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empty life, worthless dreams, lonelyness

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empty life, worthless dreams, lonelyness

Postby jaybooche » Wed May 15, 2019 7:49 pm

hi people...
I'm Jay. Not sure why came here, but i feel kind of lost ...( ...I'm 34 old and a year ago I had a bad divorce with my husband psychopath, it was ugly divorce...We spent 5 years in fighting and he never stopped cursing and humiliating me. It was terrible merriege for me.My little angel-doughter is 5 years old and she has an autism-similar desiase, which is basically slow growing of the brain, she basically is not as much matured for her age as she is supposed to be. She behaves likelittle infant ( cant explain in english).... We try to heal her but t so difficult. ...... I feel so terrible about my life I kind of feel like everything is falling apart around me, there is noone I could talk to, I don't really think anybody likes me at all. I drink some kind of an antidepressant ,but is seems useless.Sorry to bother you with this, i suck so bad.. It makes me so sad when my little angel seems so confused about the world, she behaves as she is in a completely different reality than others. How is she going to live like this? i love her so much, she even can't speak words normally... Doctors are unaware of the exact diagnosis, but it is autism-similar, so they say. Why would this happen to me? Or to her? I, we, never hurt anyone, why this thing in our lives?I have 2 sisters and a brother, but they have theyir own lives i dont talk to them very often, and why even bother them...
Now and then I think about how no man would ever love me, am I going to spend my life like this, alone in suffering ? I want to meet other people to have somebody to talk to but all I see is nothing in front of me. It just seems that there is an empty future with no luck whatsoever.It has happened for me to just find man who I feel attracted to, but they seem to ignore me, they don't find me to be attractive.And I have an ugly ass too, i don't really think i look like a model from the TV.... :((( Some nights I just drink a few vodkas at home, because it is the only thing that lets me feel calm...Anyone here to be looser like me??? Or anyone know how to deal with loosers like me? I feel sometimes as if i am some stupid idiotic girrl, that nobody cares about... If sth. happens to me, there would be noone left to care for my doughter, she only has me and I love her so much, my heart breaks when i look at her behaving so strange and being not like other children of her age :(((.....I feel difficult to get on with my day...What should I do?What would anyone do if like this? May be god has forgotten me... There is one person I sometimes talk to, he tells me that I have some self-esteem problems and says that I should consult psycholigist ,but I don't believe this would help...However one has given me antidepressants, that do nothing. I just wanted to have a normal life and to be a normal woman. This seems like a lost cause. I wish someone there would find me, but i walk alone and only shadows find me. I guess they also hate me.Anyone can give me an advice on what to do with my life? Or at least, shoot me...If i don't get a drink I feel like a scum, i don't like being me very much.i am ashamed to say, but in highschool i spent three years on heroine, it just happened i didn't plan it, later 1 year i only took amphetamines, but later on i left those days behind.I don't do these now, I haven't done them ever since. But nowdays, Sometimes I would use simple pain annestetic just to kick off reality for a while...I feel so stressed out and lonely, and sad and it is like all darkness in my soul. i just want to be happy and someone to love me. At least one man.
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Re: empty life, worthless dreams, lonelyness

Postby Cassandre » Wed May 22, 2019 8:44 pm

Hi Jay,

we all need to feel love and valued. It's hardwired. But life gets in the way of that when it deals us a bad hand.

And then when we don't really know how to love ourselves, we can also have a hard time conveying to others that it's worth getting to know us. I honestly don't think physical looks play a huge role into that, as nobody's perfect, yet plenty of imperfect looking people are exuding charm.

If your daughter has special needs, she may have to rely on you a bit more than other children to comprehend the world. So maybe it would help to know what it is precisely that she is dealing with and gather information about that (there is an autism forum here https://www.psychforums.com/autism/ where you might be able to ask question, should you be curious to ask about the symptoms).
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Re: empty life, worthless dreams, lonelyness

Postby maree12 » Thu Jul 04, 2019 9:49 am

Yes, I know exactly how you feel, because I am in the same situation. After 18 years of hard work, spent changing myself from the child I was @ 18, I had become the sort of woman I always wanted to be, and managed to " get" the man of my dreams - someone good enough for me who I was good enough for. So. I got the man of my dreams, and we were together for 3 wonderful years. I was no longer desperate, afraid and lonely. Then @ 38 yo I suffered a stroke which has left me physically, intellectually, sexually and socially disabled. I lost the three jobs that I had worked really hard to get, they were jobs that boosted my self esteem and made me an interesting person. I lost the personality that made me socially successful, and, after 23 years, I have lost the man. I have nothing, not even a child. I have one friend who many years ago, before I met THE man was my mentor and my lover. He is good to me, but. neither of us want to spend the rest if our lives together. I can see my life winding down to 15 - 20 years spent in a lonely single room in a nursing home. So, if you think your life is bad, it probably is not as bad as mine @ now, 61 yo, and not 18 years left in which I can transform myself
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