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Grief but I can't cry

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Grief but I can't cry

Postby hausofshards » Thu Oct 18, 2018 12:39 am

I recently lost a close friend and I miss him; it was 'complicated.' I developed serious feelings even though he is in a relationship with someone else. Its been hard to let go; i truly love him, though I shouldn't. Its also been hard because this loss is triggering other losses. I've never known anyone who died and thought I never had anything to grieve and yet i suffered a lot at a young age. For all intents and purposes I never had a mother (she was "there" but she was a predator, sadistic) and my father was bi-polar, sometimes a great loving dad and others he was tyrannical and would beat my sister and I. And it never seemed like a loss until now, that maybe all the little deaths I died being a child who was always turned away from or abused or ridiculed, all the little losses of dignity and self-respect and self-worth, maybe all those are real losses and worth grieving. And i try to grieve but i can't cry. I try hard but i can't, and as the world gets darker and the trees go bare i am reminded of loss and of death, and other things, and that everything has a time but i cannot cry. And maybe loving someone who turns away from me is just how my heart is, timid, afraid to love someone who might choose differently. And maybe one day some tears will come and it will be another time, one where the indignities and losses of the past can stay there and i and my timid heart can be braver.
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Re: Grief but I can't cry

Postby MarkP » Tue Nov 06, 2018 8:31 pm

Losing a close friend is a big loss, I'm sure made worse by the complex emotional nature of the friendship. This grief has revived bad memories. But I hope that as you work through it the tears will be released, which will help the recovery process. Good luck!
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