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I let them down

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I let them down

Postby Zelion » Sat Oct 05, 2013 1:54 am

Hey guys, this might be a bit long sorry I just need to write this.

Over 2 years ago, I had to get my pet cat put down, and my 2nd cat was put down with the same health problem 5 months ago, aged 12 and 15 respectively (sorry I don't want to use their names). I loved them both more than anything, known them pretty much all my life since I was 6 years old, just turned 22. I lived with 5 other people and they were the family pets but they said they were "my cats".
They both slept on my bed every single night, when I get in they would get up and snuggle closer to me and i'd feel guilty for waking them sometimes, play with them all the time, always worry about them and always think about them when I was at school or work, always gave them special attention. They were there for me and got me through hard times, I had a really bad time in school, and whilst horrible things were going on at the time, i'd think about my cats to make me remember no matter what is happening, I get to see them at the end of the day, and that did get me through the day. I could be really upset and see a hair of one of my cats on my jumper, i'd recognise which cat and it would make me smile. If one of them was outside during a storm and was hiding somewhere I would go out and not rest till I find them, these are just a sample of tiny things which remind me of how much I cared about them.
I remember one time my cat went out and didn't return home for 3 days, I was a complete wreck, I remember being sat on my door step crying my eyes out at about 3am in the morning after searching through neighbours' back gardens whilst they slept, looking under cars, up trees, in bushes, absolutely everywhere, I wouldn't stop or sleep till I found her, and eventually I did after she showed up on my neighbours fence. Ever since I first met my cats I loved them like crazy, and a couple of times I when I was younger I thought about the time when they'd no longer be here and just dismissed those thoughts, that time would be such a long time away, even when my latest cat was 15 years old, I'd look at her and laugh and think she's like a spring chicken with 10 more years to go the with all the energy she had, but of course, those times did come and my world collapsed in front of me. It was me who first noticed the symptoms of my first cat and I told my parents straight away, they dismissed it, saying it was her age, her weight (she was well looked after, but as she got older she got more lazy and hardly left the house anymore so she put on some weight). It was only during the her final few days when things got dramatically worse and too late for my parents then to take her to the vets, they saw she had heart failure and a lot of fluid around her heart, and with her age, we decided to have her put down. I felt we could of done something sooner, because she really suffered on her final day. My 2nd cat I noticed the same symptoms much sooner and made sure I wouldn't make the same mistake again and demanded to take her to the vets, again my family couldn't tell a difference to her apart from me, but I made sure to take her to the vets and they didn't find anything wrong which really ###### me off because I knew her more than anyone and I was acting early to try and help her, they gave her antibiotics just incase, but she started to deteriorate rapidly within the next few days with heart failure, in the end, we had to put her down.
I think about the good memories which comfort me and make me laugh, but the final days of both my cats they really suffered and those memories haunt me, I suffered with them too. They didn't sleep on my bed anymore and I missed them, both my cats during their last days were fighting for every breath and I spent every minute with them I could, I took my pillows and slept on the landing, downstairs where ever they were, I slept in the kitchen if they were in the during the night, all the time trying to comfort them, thanking them and telling them I loved them, just being with them so they weren't suffering on their own, I was there for them every second of the day and night, didn't go into work hardly ate, pretty much crying everyday I was absolutely, utterly devasted and on the day they were to be put down I picked them up and cuddled them then my family each said their own goodbyes, and I was the one who put them both into their cat boxes before they went off to the vets to be put to sleep, but then I let them down.

My dad loved them both so much and he was devastated also, took the time off work, and he took them to the vets, but I didn't go with him. I was too uncontrollably upset I could barely stand, and I know people say that's an act of disloyalty, but I was happy they were with my dad during their final moments, they loved him too, but now, 2 years later and 5 months later, I regret not going with them to the very end, and I get so upset about this and I can't forgive myself, I actually hate myself, I did help bury them both in our garden, but I should have found that extra strength, strength that has always been there for them when sometimes nobody else had it for them, I stuck with them all their lives and couldn't carry on for the final hour, because no matter how I try to find an excuse, that I was too upset, it ultimately comes down to being selfish, I still think about it and get so upset all the time and i'll hate myself forever, because i'll always feel I let down those who I loved the most.
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Re: I let them down

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sat Oct 05, 2013 1:30 pm

Zelion, I know guilt can eat away at you when something like this happens, but your cats knew you loved them while they were with you. Being with an animal in it's final moments takes a lot of courage, and I have that to come with my dog. I don't really have someone who shares my love of dogs, so if my dog doesn't go naturally, I will be facing the decision to help him on his way, alone.

Try to think of all the happy times you shared with your cats. Thinking about the happy times will hopefully help you deal with your guilt.
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Re: I let them down

Postby housealwayswins » Tue Jan 06, 2015 12:51 pm

Zelion wrote:Hey guys, this might be a bit long sorry I just need to write this.

Over 2 years ago, I had to get my pet cat put down, and my 2nd cat was put down with the same health problem 5 months ago, aged 12 and 15 respectively (sorry I don't want to use their names). I loved them both more than anything, known them pretty much all my life since I was 6 years old, just turned 22. I lived with 5 other people and they were the family pets but they said they were "my cats".
They both slept on my bed every single night, when I get in they would get up and snuggle closer to me and i'd feel guilty for waking them sometimes, play with them all the time, always worry about them and always think about them when I was at school or work, always gave them special attention. They were there for me and got me through hard times, I had a really bad time in school, and whilst horrible things were going on at the time, i'd think about my cats to make me remember no matter what is happening, I get to see them at the end of the day, and that did get me through the day. I could be really upset and see a hair of one of my cats on my jumper, i'd recognise which cat and it would make me smile. If one of them was outside during a storm and was hiding somewhere I would go out and not rest till I find them, these are just a sample of tiny things which remind me of how much I cared about them.
I remember one time my cat went out and didn't return home for 3 days, I was a complete wreck, I remember being sat on my door step crying my eyes out at about 3am in the morning after searching through neighbours' back gardens whilst they slept, looking under cars, up trees, in bushes, absolutely everywhere, I wouldn't stop or sleep till I found her, and eventually I did after she showed up on my neighbours fence. Ever since I first met my cats I loved them like crazy, and a couple of times I when I was younger I thought about the time when they'd no longer be here and just dismissed those thoughts, that time would be such a long time away, even when my latest cat was 15 years old, I'd look at her and laugh and think she's like a spring chicken with 10 more years to go the with all the energy she had, but of course, those times did come and my world collapsed in front of me. It was me who first noticed the symptoms of my first cat and I told my parents straight away, they dismissed it, saying it was her age, her weight (she was well looked after, but as she got older she got more lazy and hardly left the house anymore so she put on some weight). It was only during the her final few days when things got dramatically worse and too late for my parents then to take her to the vets, they saw she had heart failure and a lot of fluid around her heart, and with her age, we decided to have her put down. I felt we could of done something sooner, because she really suffered on her final day. My 2nd cat I noticed the same symptoms much sooner and made sure I wouldn't make the same mistake again and demanded to take her to the vets, again my family couldn't tell a difference to her apart from me, but I made sure to take her to the vets and they didn't find anything wrong which really ###### me off because I knew her more than anyone and I was acting early to try and help her, they gave her antibiotics just incase, but she started to deteriorate rapidly within the next few days with heart failure, in the end, we had to put her down.
I think about the good memories which comfort me and make me laugh, but the final days of both my cats they really suffered and those memories haunt me, I suffered with them too. They didn't sleep on my bed anymore and I missed them, both my cats during their last days were fighting for every breath and I spent every minute with them I could, I took my pillows and slept on the landing, downstairs where ever they were, I slept in the kitchen if they were in the during the night, all the time trying to comfort them, thanking them and telling them I loved them, just being with them so they weren't suffering on their own, I was there for them every second of the day and night, didn't go into work hardly ate, pretty much crying everyday I was absolutely, utterly devasted and on the day they were to be put down I picked them up and cuddled them then my family each said their own goodbyes, and I was the one who put them both into their cat boxes before they went off to the vets to be put to sleep, but then I let them down.

My dad loved them both so much and he was devastated also, took the time off work, and he took them to the vets, but I didn't go with him. I was too uncontrollably upset I could barely stand, and I know people say that's an act of disloyalty, but I was happy they were with my dad during their final moments, they loved him too, but now, 2 years later and 5 months later, I regret not going with them to the very end, and I get so upset about this and I can't forgive myself, I actually hate myself, I did help bury them both in our garden, but I should have found that extra strength, strength that has always been there for them when sometimes nobody else had it for them, I stuck with them all their lives and couldn't carry on for the final hour, because no matter how I try to find an excuse, that I was too upset, it ultimately comes down to being selfish, I still think about it and get so upset all the time and i'll hate myself forever, because i'll always feel I let down those who I loved the most.

You didn't let them down at all. You didn't go to the vet when they were put down because it would have been way, way too painful for you too witness. Because you loved them so much. You stayed and slept with them in their final days when they didn't sleep on your bed. They were dying, that's why they didn't stay on your bed as you know cats will change their behaviour/hide/run away when they're dying. You sound like me. I could have wrote a lot of what you wrote. Your cats were your family. That's why it hurts so much and for so long. You sound like a sensitive person and perhaps have depression? 2 years and 5 months is a long time. You sound like me. Even months, years later things still haunt you. You're just a loving, caring, sensitive person. I'm going through what you are going through.I regret putting my cat to sleep. I think I acted prematurely. I also wasn't there for his final moments, the vet should have asked. But in all honesty, it was just too painful for me to witness. Because like you, I loved him so much.

I know how you feel. I hope you're ok after all this time.
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Re: I let them down

Postby maree12 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 6:02 am

Zelion, I have not had a cat, but from what I have read, and heard people say, they are very sensitive to how their humans are acting around them. If you had gone to the vet with them, their last moments would have been very stressful by you breaking down whilst you were with them. Your dad could handle the loss and would not have stressed them out during their last few moments, as being with you might have done.
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