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don't know if i should go to the funeral?

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don't know if i should go to the funeral?

Postby theonlyredsmurf » Sun Jul 12, 2015 5:11 pm

to cut to the quick, another friend will shortly pass away.
not sure how much longer he has left. I have said my good-byes but it is the funeral I'm confused about.
let me explain. I have been to far too many funerals both family and friends. this will make friend 5 or 6 who has died of cancer.

In all the funerals I've been to I've only been upset at one, Nicks 3 years ago.
I don't know why but I've felt, numb, bored, angry. every other inappropriate emotion you can think of at a funeral including my father's but Nicks is the only one I've actually been upset at.

Why in over 20 funerals is it this most recent that I get upset?
should I go to this next one? what will I feel there?

I won't have anyone to go with, unless I can get another friend who has only met this guy once.
funerals really aren't my thing, all they do is let me know what's wrong with one and how I want mine to be different (frequently suicidal) so it's a plan that rears it's ugly head frequently.
I have always said funerals are for the living. they are the ones who suffer regardless the cause of death. why don't I miss people after they are gone? there are a thousand other questions to ask but only so much time.

what are the pro's and con's for and against going to yet another funeral?
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Re: don't know if i should go to the funeral?

Postby Ada » Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:23 pm

theonlyredsmurf wrote:I have always said funerals are for the living.

Yes, that makes sense. And thus for closure / remembrance / celebration of a life. Depending on the type of ceremony involved. But if you're out of step with what other people are there for. I can imagine that would be disorienting and isolating.

I don't know why but I've felt, numb, bored, angry. every other inappropriate emotion you can think of at a funeral including my father's but Nicks is the only one I've actually been upset at.

I'm interested in why those would seem like inappropriate emotions? They seem like entirely valid reactions to death, IMO. And reflect the different people that died. And the different person you were each time. Is upset the only "valid" emotion to feel? Because it's the most commonly displayed?

why don't I miss people after they are gone?

With apologies for suggesting the obvious. Perhaps you accept that they're dead? Whereas other people are in various stages of working through that acceptance. And for some reason, you're not working through Nick's death at the same pace as usual for you. Which isn't bad or wrong, just different.

what are the pro's and con's for and against going to yet another funeral?

Pros-
Marking the passing of a friend in a formal way
Meeting people who cared about him, especially if they're people you've been out of touch with without meaning to be
Exploring your feelings around his death

Cons-
May be a shallow experience
May involve seeing people you aren't interested in / don't care about
Brings thoughts of your own mortality in an unhelpful setting
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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Re: don't know if i should go to the funeral?

Postby theonlyredsmurf » Tue Jul 14, 2015 9:55 am

Numb as in a disassociated state, not emotionaly over rought
Bored as in feeling like I have no purpose and nothing to do there
Angry because the person who died was preyed upon by the church after spending his entire life till then as a athiest he was 70.

Other inappropriate emotional situations are less cut and dried.

It just seems I can never say goodbye there not with everyone else. I've always done it on my own.

I think it has to do with the way I have trouble connecting in the first place. It's like they were never real.

This is all much harder to explain on my phone
Talga Vassternich - Wizard's 8th Rule

Dx: Bipolar II w/ psychosis (Depressive, Mixed, psychotic, hypo-manic)
Other issues: ADD, Tic / Movement disorder, Chronic Sleep Apeona

Meds: Dotherp, Seroquel, Amisulpride, Cabramazipine, Dexamphetamine, Tetrabenzine, Melatonin.

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theonlyredsmurf
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Re: don't know if i should go to the funeral?

Postby Seangel » Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:21 pm

Don't go.

I don't like funerals not the way they are done here. Everyone crying, and a weird feeling in the air. I've been to some, because I'm accompanying friends, but mostly I don't like going.

If you don't feel like going, don't go, and say your good bye in the way you want to.

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Taking myself some time away from PF. Sea (Dec, 2016)
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