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Struggling from my anxieties (long txt)

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Struggling from my anxieties (long txt)

Postby coolbreeze » Thu May 19, 2022 1:40 am

Hiii! I'm not new here but I had to make a new account since I forgot what my previous one was called.

I've posted my story on *mod edit* and have not received much response so I thought I'd give this site a try again.

This is kind of a long story so here goes nothing!:

Suffering from my anxieties (long txt)

I've suffered with anxiety all my life but a lot of changes have happened over the years- it's gotten worse. I currently take Zoloft for the anxiety and depression and it hasn't been helping.

I've worked at a grocery store for 6 years part-time and quit back in January because I didn't want to deal with people anymore and also wanted to help my family take care of my mother who is bed-ridden and cannot take care of herself.

I live with my Older Brother (36) and Younger Brother (20) and my household life also hasn't been the greatest. It's been terrible and mentally damaging. My mother puts a lot pressure on me (I'm always home and I'm practically an unpaid caregiver) and my OB is working two jobs so he's hardly home.

OB is emotionally/mentally abusive towards YB and I (even since we were little). He's also always been a narcissist.
Recently he told us that he wants YB and I to save money to move out on our own and he has "confidence" that we can be independent also because he wants to have a family with his fiancé already before he gets any older.

Sure, I was okay with it but then there are a lot of factors that started screwing me up.

I got a really good paying job at a WFH company and I mostly do inbound calls.

One day I started to get this crazy anxiety (panic?) attack before getting on the phone and from then on I've started to do absenteeism, asking to clock out early, giving my team leader and their assistants a hard time (they've tried to console me and have told me that they have anxiety too- that they understand) and it was at this point they realized something and the TL said
"I'm going to be transparent with you- you want a position that doesn't require being on the phones, right?"
I agreed.
"I understand that you tell us you feel bad for wasting our time, because you're not and we have all the time we need. But in this case you are wasting your own time. In order to help YOU we need you to be here on the phones".

I started calling the Employee Assistance Program and spoke with a local counselor and it didn't go well. I've called the Crisis Hotline and at least the guy on the phone understood me!

So believe me when I type this- I've tried anything and everything.

Losing hours just made things worse for YB and I financially and it's putting a lot of stress on him because we're both supposed to be saving money to move out of this hellhole, pay car insurance, and a personal loan he took out for me to buy a car. (How are we gonna move out without some sort of transportation, yknow?)

My anxiety has affected me so bad and warped my way of thinking that YB didn't know what to do with me anymore and his GF convinced me to see a psychiatrist and I have been prescribed anxiety medications but I feel I need more time to recover because I haven't been normal anymore. I am being rushed and shoved to be responsible and to suck it up. Nobody understands that I'm going through so many mental hurdles it's difficult to control!!

YB was so upset with me because I asked for a leave of absence so I wouldn't lose the job. I have spoken with my job about moving to a different position BUT I need to be with the company for 6 months to 1 year with GOOD attendance so that just kinda made me lose hope in everything.

I wanted to find a different job but no other job is gonna have patience for me like my current one does. Everyone is telling me it's a bad idea to leave the job because it's an easy job and I don't have to deal with people face-to-face and it's my first full-time job. Then YB's GF tells me that if I'm sure I wanna go back because what if I start the cycle again.

I'm thinking should I stay or should I seek a different job??? What choices do I have anymore and why can't I just disappear, lol.

I feel like a total failure and honestly I just want to get my $#%^ together already but my brain is keeping me from seeing the positives. I feel trapped.

My mind cannot stay in the present, it's just thinking ahead into the future like "what if someone treats you bad on the phones, what if you end up homeless, what if it happens again if you return to work what if what if" and I'm tired of it!!

tl;dr anxiety attacks have been keeping me from working and it's affecting my younger brother and i financially
Last edited by Snaga on Thu May 19, 2022 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy edit
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