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Intrusive thoughts and memories causing my depression

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Intrusive thoughts and memories causing my depression

Postby omega909 » Sat Feb 01, 2020 7:48 pm

First of all Im not trolling this is serious.I did some things when i was younger that I am ashamed and feel guilty of I was between the ages of 5-13. I wont go into details but I did some sexual things with 2 of my cousins at least 2 or 3 times. These were separate events and I had so much guilt and shame when i was younger that I confessed to my mom I felt awful about it. Im now 21 and the guilt and shame is coming back I havent done anything like this since 13 years old and dont ever want to again. I dont know what was wrong with me as a kid it was sick and I also did something with my aunt that was non sexual but it still got me excited in a sexual way. It was just playfully wrestling I like tackled her but in a i wanna say flirty way. I hope im wrong but she seemed to be flirty back about it which makes it worse. Im cringing just typing this I feel so awful about what ive done. I feel like a *mod edit*. Now ive found someone I really want to be with and these memories and thoughts I fee are ruining it. It doesnt help she is catholic and seems like the most perfect human being. I have GAD and im almost certain I have OCD too. I was working tonight listening to music and was daydreaming about her practically feeling in love. I was feeling good knowing she might be into me and this daydream may come true. I was daydreaming about playfully wrestling with her and right when I thought that the memory of my aunt came up. Now every time I think about cuddling or whatever with that girl I think about my aunt. I dont want to think about her I want to feel that unique feeling about the girl I like. I dont want to be reminded of my aunt. Now im making myself think she looks like my aunt. I also got a thought where if I dont confess to my therapist my past sexual encounters with my cousins ill never feel the same about her again. Ill never feel the love feeling again and ill always think of my aunt whenever I see her. Its got me severely depressed and I feel like ill never be happy again. Im scared to tell my therapist about this I know he wont show it but he will be judging in his head. I dont see my therapist for 2 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel like its ruining something great I could have with this girl because I think she is actually into me but other guys are going after her too from what I hear.
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