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I need a job but anxiety is preventing me from getting one

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I need a job but anxiety is preventing me from getting one

Postby pandakittens » Fri Nov 09, 2018 6:31 pm

Hello everyone. I am a 24 year old woman with GAD, depression, and bpd. My boyfriend and I moved into our apartment about a year ago and we're struggling to pay rent. My boyfriend is working really hard as a landscaper, but we are still struggling to pay bills and rent.
For a while I was thinking of going on disability but I'm not sure anymore. It seems impossible and time consuming to get and I want to start earning money as soon as possible.
I'm trying my best to work up the courage to get a job but I honestly don't know if I can do it. The last time I worked was about 3 years ago and I had a traumatic experience where my ex/coworker harassed me at work every day and I had to leave my job. After that when I moved to a different store I started having panic attacks so frequently that it prevented me from doing my job. I stopped working with customers because of frequent panic attacks and agoraphobia and social anxiety and started stocking shelves instead but one day I took a bottle of aspirin off the shelf and just went to the bathroom and took the whole bottle (my second suicide attempt).
That was about 2 years ago I believe? I would like to believe I am ready to hold a job now and I desperately need one so I'm trying to remain positive. After that happened I've been extremely reclusive, moreso than ever. My social anxiety and agoraphobia has greatly increased and I believe I'm developing an eating disorder (or an obsession with food and my weight at the very least). I don't leave my apartment often unless I'm with my boyfriend or if I know I won't have to talk to anyone. It's gotten to the point where I can't make eye contact with anyone. I can't even wave to strangers or say hello.
I'm riddled with guilty and anxiety over not having a job. I can't take feeling like a failure and a waste of space much longer so I asked my friend to help me get a job where he works. I'm supposed to call today and I didn't sleep last night because I've been so anxious about that alone. I want to believe I can do this, but I just don't know. My boyfriend is very kind and understanding when it comes to my issues and my not having a job, which only makes me feel even guiltier.
Does anybody have any advice?
How can I make myself do this?
Thank you guys :D
pandakittens
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