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This made me really anxious

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This made me really anxious

Postby Fawnette » Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:56 am

I am sometimes the anxious type who over-worries, overthinks things way too much, and I'm also oversensitive when I feel I have been wronged... but depending on the toughness or sensibilities of the other person, I also find myself unwilling to stick up for myself TOO much. Especially since I have found that I react way too badly sometimes when I'm upset, and when I know that I'm to blame partially for the situation, I know that anything I say might just dig me deeper than I was in the first place.

So basically, back in May, I got super-excited about something... as I do sometimes. I have always been the type who gets WAY too excited about fandoms, particularly when I want to use them as an escape from reality (which probably is not healthy to begin with...) So I went searching for someone to commission to write a story I didn't have the motivation or energy to write myself. In my own way, I think I was also looking for new chat buddies, because all of my friends who I used to talk about fandoms with previously have become busy and less available, or they're not that interested in fandoms anymore.

So I found someone who was taking commissions due to a family emergency, and I paid her forty dollars. She was clear upfront that when she could get to it would depend upon her muse, but that I wouldn't have to wait too long. In the end, she ended up refunding me after a week or two with a heartfelt apology, and I said I understood. And I did, especially since she was so polite about it.

Then I turned to a friend of hers (with her blessing), and that's where the trouble started.

To be fair, I DO have to say that a lot of this probably is my fault. When I get really excited about something, I sometimes start to develop certain expectations of a new person, especially since... as I indicated above, I have been pretty bored and lonely lately in the fandom departments, and I don't have much exciting going on in my life at times.

So basically, I ran an idea by the new person, and she said she LOVED it. She also said she was going to be really busy, because she was working on a manuscript for professional publishing in July. So, just to be clear here, I paid her in May, and she said that it would take "two weeks", or possibly sometime in late June before she could really do anything on my commission. (I paid her seventy-five dollars; the previous person had been offering discounts due to the family emergency in the hopes of attracting more business more quickly.)

Now... to be fair here, I had NEVER commissioned anyone to do any kind of writing before, so it is possible that I'm just not sure of the proper/standard etiquette, plus... I have seen independent individuals in the commission/crafting world tell others sometimes that 1: You can't rush art, and 2: that coming to them isn't the same as coming to a place in retail where everybody has a product available in two seconds.

Plus... I think there were maybe some minor areas I got a little too friendly too fast, because I have sometimes felt (especially on the internet) that if someone seems nice, and we seem to be hitting it off, we're potential BFF material even if we're not.

Also, it probably doesn't help matters any that I changed my mind four times, (I wanna go with this idea, no maybe I want to cancel now, no maybe I want to do this instead... no I'd like to go back to the original idea we started off with...) And I can definitely see how that would drive someone nuts, because sometimes I can be incredibly long-winded in my emails, and I've been told by other people before that sometimes I don't articulate very well when I get over-excited or anxious, leaving others to wonder WHAT I am trying to say, since a lot of my meaning sometimes gets lost in a lot of rambling.

I have also driven others nuts sometimes due to my wishy-washyness, even my own family. And I'd have to say I acted wishy-washy in this case.

In the end, (Again, bear in mind that I paid her in May, I was assured she would probably start the project in June, and I waited until mid-July to follow up much, when I heard nothing) so I finally demanded a couple of days ago for some kind of response, saying I either needed some kind of reply, since I did pay her, or I needed a refund.

She then got kinda brash about it, saying that yes I did pay her, but I had broken every rule of etiquette and I did not respect personal space because I had sent her multiple emails, notes on Deviantart, and even posted on her profile wall once. And she also said that she had been upfront with me that she was busy, and simply said she wouldn't suffer any more pestering and that I should expect a refund by next Sunday, minus five dollars due to the pestering.

Now... the thing is, I have pretty much decided to let the whole thing drop, because I pretty much consider it resolved now and if anything... I consider the entire matter to be a blessing in disguise, because it has shown me where I really DO need to start working on some of my own behavior. I even deactivated my Deviantart account and I backed off considerably from social media and fandom outlets, realizing that they are toxic to me and they make me very anxious... not to mention it's a bit too easy for me to get caught up in fandoms like a very unhealthy drug.

But... I guess I have a bit too much of my mother in me, because there are still a few things that bug me about the entire matter.

1: On the person's own page, they said that they have a policy of trying to respond to any messages they receive within two business days, and if that is there policy, I didn't appreciate being ignored, especially since there were times when I WAS good at keeping my distance, and I didn't pester her at all during the month of July until I finally demanded a response, to which I got that catty response.

2: Since she had originally assured me that she would begin my commission sometime in June, she could've at least done me the courtesy of keeping me up to date, on her own, if there were going to be any delays. I got absolutely nothing but silence out of her until I got more aggressive and demanded an answer in mid-July.

Honestly... I also feel that I should just let the entire matter slide and I probably did deserve her saying she would dock five dollars in a way, because I DID dump a lot of text on her in at least three emails in a row in May, and I did send her a few notes on DA and post on her profile wall once, and the poor woman probably felt bombarded, especially since she indicated she has mental issues and she has been very busy with a manuscript. To be fair, she might be anxious about pleasing her publisher, or maybe something even went wrong in the deal that disappointed her or she had to do rewrites, I don't know. I have a feeling I pressed the wrong buttons at the wrong time, which I am pretty good at doing since I can be a pest and sometimes I am not very tactful or considerate of other people's time. :/

I think in some ways... maybe I've also been getting a little too hyped up on my mom's attitude lately, and she's been adding to my ire in general, because she works in retail and it seems like any time we have any problems with people or them not acting fast enough or responding readily, she gets very, very angry and impatient, saying that if she responded so slowly or so badly in her line of work she'd be fired on the spot, and she's used to the idea that you are supposed to treat customers like royalty and she, in turn, excepts to be treated well whenever she's dealing with ANYONE in any kind of business venture. I can also hear her in my mind saying that if you commission someone, then that person should be treated like they are both the employee AND manager/boss of their own little business and should be treating/responding to "customers" accordingly... although I'm not entirely sure if it really works quite like retail when you are dealing with an independent writer on Deviantart who just does some writing on the side of a regular-based life/job or whatever....

So... I think I applied this mentality to this woman I commissioned, where I expected her to be my buddy, and maybe I expected her to be my friend and be willing to go over any text I sent her at the drop of a hat just because I had paid her, I don't know. When... I should have realized from the start that it was gonna be strictly professional, and I probably should have been more organized and decided what I was gonna do and what I wanted before I contacted her, and before I started bombarding her and changing my mind a lot.

In the end, the entire episode left me anxious, left me overthinking and nitpicking to death about what I did wrong and what I feel she did wrong, and what everybody did wrong, and I even got upset over it a few times and even cried about it once or twice.

I also feel like I've had some bratty entitlement issues over the entire thing, because... maybe I feel like I deserved her to be like my buddy and speak to me well, just because I paid her seventy-five dollars, even though she "owed" me nothing of the sort really. :/

In the end, I want to just forget that it happened. I pretty much cut ties with her and I'm just awaiting the refund, (money has always been a really sensitive issue for me anyway, particularly since I don't have THAT much to spare), and I have a feeling that if I say or do anything else at this point, it will probably just make everything worse, particularly since I think I expected too much too fast (INSTA-BUDDY!), not to mention I did bombard her a bit and I changed my mind about what i wanted or didn't want at least four times over the span of a month, which probably stressed her out and confused her on top of everything else she has to deal with right now.

Just... I don't know. >.< If nothing else, it felt good just to organize my feelings on the matter and vent a little, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here or if this is even the appropriate forum/area to do this.

I just know I learned one thing. I am never gonna do this again, since I've found I just really can't handle it and I come across as more of a disorganized pest than anything, and... I'm just not really gonna get involved in fandoms as much anymore, because I seem to develop very high expectations and it's almost like I want the writing equivalent of Burger King, have it done your way and have it done fast. :/ Not to mention I shouldn't be using fandoms as a substitute/escape from reality anyway, at least not religiously.
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