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Worst i've felt in years, any help would be major appriciatd

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Worst i've felt in years, any help would be major appriciatd

Postby portland521 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:11 am

So, i'd like to start this with a synopsis of my past and why this situation is so extremely stressful to my already bad anxiety. Sorry for the rant, but i really don't know what to do any more..

When I was a kid I had such major anxiety that my mom took me out of school, and home schooled me. The only problem was that she was an in denial opiate addict who had no place doing so. I ended moving constantly due to her not being able to hold out a house or job and ended up teaching my self using the internet when it became an option. She has apparent mental health problems and threatened suicide multiple times to me as a child, barely came out of her room to make food so I very early developed the habit of poor eating, or not eating at all at times.

Later, during my teenage years, I had basically raised my self and lived in a drug fueled haze, lots of opiates I had stolen from my mom, prescription stimulants I had convinced doctors to give me strong doses of, tons of weed, was on probation, constantly anxious, wondering where my next meal would come from or if I would have a roof over my head because of the constant fighting in my house and lack of care in that aspect.

When I was 20 after lots of pain and self abuse and ignorance to a lot of it, I met a women who changed my life for ever. She taught me how to eat properly, how to cook for my self, the difference in local and organic foods, and many other small life skills I never even knew I was missing.
She was a semi recovering opiate addict, we got along great and found love in each other I don't think either of us really knew existed.
Eventually we both got into psychedelics, they really changed my perspective and opened up my eyes to a lot of things in my life that I had not previously seen before, and helped me to make many drastic changes that I needed to start moving forward in my own life.
She got off the opiates and got into college, I moved forward in a career path I had recently chosen, but picked up a extremely dependent hidden opiate addiction to mask the pain I had shoved away in fear of hurting my new found relationship that was going great in for the most part.


Skip forward 3.5 years. We move from her/our/her dads/ condo to a bigger house, we get a dog, plan goes to $#%^ about 2 weeks after moving, move back to the condo with the dog, dogs crazy and doesn't do well in a small apt, all the stress of all of that and the stress is causes my relationship causes me to dive deep into the opiates which I had been trying to fight off for years unsuccessfully at this point, which in turn ruins my relationship....My anxiety if off the chain, I'm having panic attacks multiple times a day, can't eat for $#%^, can't sleep..It's awful. . Along with on and off opiate withdrawals and mood swing from the drug caused chemical imbalances which do not help at all either..

So around November of last year I move back in with my mom who is now remarried as a last resort hoping that I might be able to use it as an opportunity to get my $#%^ together. Because of how desolate the area where she lived was I was able to get away from the opiates and only have went back twice since then but never actually relapsed which i'm insanely proud of my self for. My life perspective Is so different now, I don't even feel like the same person I was back then. I am much more thoughtful, and have made lots of progress in many ways and greatly respect my self for that.

During this time, the emotional abuse from her has been extremely taxing though and as a now much more conscious adult I really see the extent to which it is/was... Constantly I am reminded of times during my childhood that were extremely difficult for me, am belittled for not having previously made good choices that would have ended up with me not having to stay with her, calling me names, being told that no wonder my ex left me, etc, etc, etc, Even though I am trying to be an adult and talk our problems out, but am met with hand gestures, lots of what evers, yelling, passive aggressiveness and narcissistic abuse, and am left feeling so hurt disgusted, and angry that often I will end up yelling at her, and even at other people sometimes if they catch me in a bad moment, and this has caused major problems for me at work and in my once flourishing social life recently....I would just leave and be homeless and go figure it out of my own, but I need to think about my dogs well being as well as my own now...

During of the emotional struggle from all of this, I have lost a lot of weight that I had gained after quitting the drugs, can't sleep for $#%^, am worn down emotionally and physically, smoking way too many cigarettes, angry, emotional, depressed, and overly tired during the day, and keep thinking it's almost a better idea to just start doing the opiates again and then i'll at least be able to put on that mask to avoid how I'm feeling right now... I really don't want to do that though, and am getting very afraid that i'm not going to get out of this situation in a healthy way...

Any kind advice would be very helpful. Or just a empathic reply of some sort.. Please help. Thank you for taking the time to read this long, unorganized, $#%^ show that my life is :/.
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Re: Worst i've felt in years, any help would be major appriciatd

Postby Wally58 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:22 am

My biggest issue was alcohol, but I did dabble in recreational drugs as well. They seemed to work at first, but did eventually turn against me.
Drinking used to relax me, weed just made me paranoid (which I confused as a high). I was able to manage my stress levels then.
The building anxiety could break into panic attacks. I had no idea where they came from. I placed my life and the lives of others in danger when they consumed me.
Asking for help was difficult for me. I felt that I could solve my 'personal' problems, but it kept lapsing back into the same old, same old. Asking for help takes great courage. It is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. I was licked. My problem was too big for me alone against it.
I was able to enter detox, rehab and aftercare. The doctors gave me anti-depressants, which also worked as anti-anxiety. I was able to work and function again as I became more stable.
The doctors could do nothing for me until the drugs and alcohol were removed from my system. Only then, could prescribed medications and therapy work.
If you haven't already, I would go for a thorough physical exam and bloodwork with your primary physician. Rule out any chemical/endocrine imbalances, hormonal, etc (which can be treated) first. Have them write a referral to a specialist for a further evaluation with other issues as necessary. Usually health insurance companies are cool if you have a doctor's referral for further treatment first.
Best of luck to you. :D
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