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Scared of losing/wasting time.

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Scared of losing/wasting time.

Postby frimas » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:29 pm

It's very difficult for me to talk about myself, especially on large forums like this one, but I sense that someone might be able to help me, even if it's just a little bit, or at least help me feel like I'm not alone in this.

I'm twenty-two and I've been suffering from GAD for as long as I can remember. I've had physical complaints every since I was a child, but no one ever knew what was ""wrong"" with me. I'm in perfect physical health, but I have trouble digesting food, I'll feel nauxious and the cramps I experience are often unbearable, and sometimes I have migraines. It wasn't until I started losing my hair for no reason that doctors realised what I'm experiencing might be mental and not physical.

I started going to a therapist, but I feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. I don't think it's the therapist's fault at all, but rather mine. I've gone to multiple therapists, but they've all made me feel the same way. Talking about myself makes me feel very uneasy and it's honestly so emotionally draining.

That's why I've started doing a lot of research by myself, hoping I can find some ways to ease the discomfort I'm experiencing. I've made a list of all the things that give me anxiety and have been thinking a lot about the daily activities I find impossible to do. And I've come to realise that one of the things that is most difficult for me, one of the things that gives me most anxiety, is the fact that I'm afraid of losing/wasting precious time. There's so much I want to do, but I feel like there's not enough time in my life to do all of them. I want to learn languages, I want to write, I want to read, I want to get in better physical shape, I want to travel, but I feel like I'll be old and grey by the time I've accomplished only half of the things I want to do, and that terrifies me.

The thing is, though, that this fear is so paralysing that I don't do anything at all. I sit at home and do nothing. Well, that's not true, I sit at home and worry and worry and worry about everything. If I had written something every single time I sat at home and worried about not having enough time in my life to write, I could've written a novel by now, and if I had gone to the gym or out for a a run every single time I sat at home and thought it'd be useless because I wouldn't have enough time to keep it up, I'd be able to run a marathon by now.

It's been a real burden, especially because I try and put the blame on other things. For example, I find it really hard to focus on studying and doing my homework because I see it as something that eats away my time, as something thats gets in the way of me being able to do the things that I love. It's ridiculous really, because when I don't have anything to do for school I'm literally consumed by anxiety, and I don't do anything anyway.

I really want to stop putting off all the things I really want to do out of fear, but I really don't know how to break this vicious circle.
frimas
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