Why is my mind messing with me? Am I actually gay in denial?

Now, before I start writing, I would like to say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being homosexual. I have an older brother who is gay and lives with his boyfriend, and I still accept him. I've always been really accepting of LGBT(Q)s my entire life.

When I was a little boy, I began to notice girls by thinking that they are "pretty". Soon after that, I would notice that whenever I would think about a "pretty" girl taking her clothes off or when I saw one of those Victoria's Secret/Girls Gone Wild commercials, my penis would go up. Hell, that happened when I saw a commercial about breast enlargements. I liked this sensation a LOT too. I would sometimes think about a man for the purpose of making my erection go DOWN. When I entered the 3rd grade, I started getting called "gay" and "#######1" a lot, mainly because I'm underweight and I suck at playing sports. Not only that, but I was, and still am, quite socially awkward around other people and was always a different kind of person, never wanting to be a clone of anybody else or follow the crowd. Always been insecure of myself as well because of all of the bullying and name-calling. I have NEVER had any type of crush on another guy, romantic or sexual, at least I THINK I didn't.

When I entered middle school, all of the girls started getting lumps on their chests if you know what I mean. I remember I masturbated nonstop to the thoughts of their breasts, bodies, legs, EVERYTHING! That whole time, I NEVER had a sexual or romantic thought about other boys. I got my first girlfriend/kiss at 17, but she left me for another guy within two weeks. I was then dating this other girl for about six weeks that same year, but she too, left me for one of her co-workers and put me in the friend-zone. I was DEVASTATED when it happened about 6 months ago, and I'm STILL not completely over it yet. I remember I enjoyed kissing her, feeling her up, dry fingering her and the sound of her moaning, or at least I THINK I did. Hell the reason the second one broke up with me was because I was "too clingy".After about 3 months of that breakup, I was dating this girl for about a month, then she again, put me in the friend-zone. For the next few weeks, I had to keep taking these "Am I Gay?" tests and scored "straight" every time. There has been this rumor going around the school that I'm gay and like men, simply because of the way I look(I guess you could call me a 'pretty boy'). Not only that, but I fit a good number of gay stereotypes and girls always treat me like a "gay best friend" when they meet me. And it doesn't help that I'm skinny as hell either.

Then, one night after that girl rejected me, my mind sort of told me, "You're gay! Everybody else could see it before, but why can't you!". It was a downward spiral from there. Here I am, thinking that my entire history, all of my feelings for girls, were a lie. I was on the verge of CRYING that night. It's been about two months since that happened, but it still bothers me. Before, I would get an erection and want to masturbate to ANY girl. Now, I can barely get an erection at all. I'll see an attractive girl and my first instincts are to go up to her and pass on my genes, but my mind keeps saying, "Are you REALLY attracted to girls? There's a reason why all of them friend-zoned you before". I've tried watching gay porn to see if I like it, but my penis is softer than my ex-girlfriend's boobs the entire time, but I'm still not assured, so I keep watching. Whenever I'm around my other male friends, I feel a slight terror in me. It's like my mind is making me believe I'm actually gay, and once I admit it, my "true life" will begin and the "truth will set me free". I'm scared that when I enter college, I'm going to either A) Have sex with a girl, find out I don't like it and realize I'm actually gay...or B) Get drunk, sleep with another man and realize I'm gay and only like men.

The only "gay" thing I can admit to doing is sometimes when I masturbate, I imagine either A) A muscular guy having sex with three girls, sometimes I'll imagine seeing through a first person view banging them and occasionally, there will be no girl visible at ALL. Or I either B) Think of one of my hot female friends, pair her up with a "hot stud"(WTF did I just type...) and make a porno out of it. But here's the catch: The guy's face is NEVER visible, and it is NEVER a guy I know...just a huge, chunk of "perfect" flesh. The thing that turns me on the most is that the girls are turned on and enjoying it a lot.

I can't really tell if I've always been insecure of who I am and this fear/anxiety is the top layer of it(cause I was insecure about things like my skinny body and being non-confident before this hit me), if I'm "transitioning" from straight to gay/bi, or if all of those feelings for girls I THINK I had was just a "phase" and now I'm realizing my "true self", even if I don't like it. I'm questioning EVERYTHING about myself: from the things I liked as a child(Legos, Bionicles, Star Wars, video games, fixing/building things) to THE GIRLS I (THINK) I CRIED OVER IN THE PAST!!

Hi -

Sorry that you're going through such an anxious time of this. This is actually a common OCD problem, called H-OCD. Where one becomes obsessed with thinking they might be gay. Most of those cases however, that I've read, they aren't gay, they are just experiencing the irrational obsessions that come along with suffering from OCD.

Everything that you have said points towards being straight. You have been attracted and aroused by girls from a young age, very strongly attracted to them. You've never actually got aroused by a guy by what you've laid out here. The closest is when you're imagining a guy having sex with women, but.. you're getting aroused because it's straight sex. Have you ever been aroused by gay sex? Because that's what homosexuality is.

The reason that I see for your anxiety about this, is because other people were bullying you by calling you gay. That doesn't mean or make you gay in the slightest. Being attracted and aroused by the same sex makes you gay, not looking or acting like one. I remember back in high school, where bullies would call people gay as an insult... but that's just what it was: an insult. I think it's absolutely horrible that bullies use that as an insult as that is terrible for homosexuals, and then of course, some people end up questioning themselves when they aren't gay to begin with.

I don't really respond to many posts about HOCD as I'm not entirely sure how to give advice. I seem to notice that rationalizing it out doesn't always seem to help (as rationalizing is usually futile with all cases of OCD). I'm not sure if I helped in any way? Have you ever thought of maybe seeing a therapist to work through this?

- EGD.

You sound as straight as the day is long to me. Getting rejected by women over and over can really mess with your head. I'm sorry you are going through that. I have had it happen too, but it never made me doubt my orientation. That won't change. If you like girls you are going to always like girls.

Thank you for your responses Nope, I've never been aroused by gay porn/sex. Just recently, with all of this doubting going on, I've tried watching gay porn to see if I'm actually gay once and for all. When I do it, I try to focus on it as much as I can and immerse myself into it while watching my penis for an erection. The whole time, I'm soft, but I have to keep watching because my mind is telling me, "You just need to admit you like it". Not only that, but I've watched many "Coming Out Stories" on YouTube and I notice how all of them have this feeling of happiness when they come out, and I support the fact that they're joyful about it. In my life, I want to be happy, but my mind is saying, "You just need to admit you're gay and you WILL be!". It's like I just need to fantasize about guys and I'll be happy, but I can't even bring myself to do it...

Thank you for posting your experience...I'm sorry you've been through all this, it is tough. I'm sort of a similar case, only I'm a woman. I were a real tomboy as a kid, and hated romance. I even liked 1-2 other girls before my hormones matured. But apart from that I'd always fall in love with guys-without doing some move, cause the 1-2 times I did it would always end up badly. Now I'm soooo back at matters of love compared to the rest of the people (I'm 25 and still no luck). Guys seem to like me but somehow things never work out (probably because of my social phobias). And now I went at an audition for a movie, where they asked me if I would play the lesbian. I answered "yes" indiffrently, but without thinking. Since then I'm obsessed with the question if I'm gay in denial. But reading the replies here, I realised lesbian sex doesn't turn me on, and I am sure about it-it takes a real guy to get me going. I like beauty, as I'm an artist in profession, but it is not in a sexual way after all. Realizing that my failures, or my artistic side, haven't complicated my sexuality is a real relief.

Thanks a lot guys, your replies helped me too!

Lastrompetas wrote:Thank you for your responses Nope, I've never been aroused by gay porn/sex. Just recently, with all of this doubting going on, I've tried watching gay porn to see if I'm actually gay once and for all. When I do it, I try to focus on it as much as I can and immerse myself into it while watching my penis for an erection. The whole time, I'm soft, but I have to keep watching because my mind is telling me, "You just need to admit you like it". Not only that, but I've watched many "Coming Out Stories" on YouTube and I notice how all of them have this feeling of happiness when they come out, and I support the fact that they're joyful about it. In my life, I want to be happy, but my mind is saying, "You just need to admit you're gay and you WILL be!". It's like I just need to fantasize about guys and I'll be happy, but I can't even bring myself to do it...

Sexual arousal comes on automatically, as far as I'm aware, when you are watching or thinking of stimuli that arouses you. There's no need to think "I just need to admit it". Thoughts trying to convince yourself to get aroused won't do the trick. You are either aroused immediately by it, or you're not. The body works by itself in terms of sexuality, regardless of any sort of "willpower". Admitting you're gay won't make you gay. If you were truly gay, you'd be aroused immediately, against your will, it's out of your control. The fact that you don't get aroused, is the only evidence you need to know you're not gay.

You don't need to finally convince yourself that you're gay to be happy. I think that is the problem here. For some reason, you believe happiness will come about if you admit you're gay. Why do you think you have correlated these things in your mind? What relation do they have to each other for you?

- EGD.

I'm not sure why, but after years of being called "gay", mainly because I'm skinny and not that good at sports and love playing/composing music and the way I dress, it's like everybody else can see something that I can't. I haven't really been happy throughout my entire 18 years, and I want to somehow be happy. I remember enjoying my lusting over women as far back as I started masturbating in 5th grade. This HOCD, or at least I HOPE it's HOCD, is making me believe that the past 18 years of going after girls was actually me looking in the wrong direction of happiness, and that everybody else spreading rumors about me being gay, or a bunch of girls getting together and treating me like a "gay best friend" or trying to find me a boyfriend is a sign from God or the Universe that that is the way to go, even though all of the name-calling and getting treated like that brought me pain, misery, embarrassment, humiliation and low self-confidence.

I've watched some coming out stories on YouTube and one of them even featured this guy that was attracted to girls as a child, and over time, his attraction to girls faded and attraction to guys rose at the same time. Many of them talk about how gay men date girls in high school because they're trying to "cure themselves" from their attraction to guys. I'm worried that I'm going to end up like one of those two. I'm always questioning if the reason why I actually dated these girls in the past was because I actually wanted to "fit in and be normal" instead of wanting to touch their boobs and kiss them. I'm also worried that I'm going to go in the direction of happiness, whatever that is, and find out that being gay means being happy for me. This HOCD is hell...

you would know if you are gay from a young age and it would seem very natural (from what gay people tell me). The gay part of the brain is seperated from the anxiety part you know.

Yes anxiety is a more female trait, but nobody really knows how much a persons anxiety response becomes over-tuned in relation to their fitness in a given environment. For examples most women being protected and fought over so much, makes them less independent anyway, just by natural consequence, so they will naturally have anxiety, as they are being forced to take on less. They have to fight often to have real challenges like men are forced to have.

i.e. you may have good genes for a middle class intellectual environment, but for some reason grow up in a neighbourhood where physicality and outgoing behaviour are more important (say a lot of large scale industry resides there).

Our brains are designed to respond to everything people tell us, this all goes in, and over-time you lost track of your identity. All i can say is, you wont find out from other people, because people only respond to what they see, and if your identity is now a mess of their reactions, your confusion can be taken for lack of certainty. Some environments then create a situation where this is fed-back to you, and so you are now in a loop, where you cannot trust the willful ignorance of others or your own process.

life is short and the world big. figuring out what you are is the new adventure, got to say it doesnt sound very gay story like at all. Perhaps its time for you to move, or find a way to disengage from your environment for a few years while you get to the root of your problems.

-- Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:50 am --

Parador wrote:You sound as straight as the day is long to me. Getting rejected by women over and over can really mess with your head. I'm sorry you are going through that. I have had it happen too, but it never made me doubt my orientation. That won't change. If you like girls you are going to always like girls.

having this guys mindset, can just ruin his chance of good relationships. you might find a tomboy or more anxiety free girl you are compatible with (no they arent gay usually either).

You are sooooo NOT gay. I'm very heterosexual myself, but used to get turned on by girl on girl porn (way back when I had a sex drive) -- it's not that I have a desire to touch another girl (ugh), but that I could put myself in their shoes. Maybe you liked the guy being in the porn flick because you could envision yourself doing the same thing to those girls.

Society seems to WANT people to become gay....the TV shows on these days are ridiculous. I can see why you'd be confused and be questioning your sexuality.

Not sure how old you are (you sound young), but you won't meet a girl who appreciates the silent type of guy until she hits 30-ish. I'm 40 and love my fiance to death, but wouldn't have looked twice at him when I was younger because he's quiet and skinny. Young girls are very insecure, so they need to feel the guy they are with is strong and confident enough for the both of them.

Was just wondering if anyone could help me, I'm 18 and I've been straight all my life and so far have never got an erection from thoughts of a man. I've also had sex with several girls and am currently in a 6 month relationship, and I love her lots.

I have a history of anxiety and one day at a party I kissed a boy on the lips. As far as I can remember I didn't feel anything afterwards, however in the coming days I became very worried that I was gay. These thoughts were alien to me and I didn't like them. These thoughts have continued for 3 months and I constantly check the internet for answers on whether I am or not, and get angry at myself whenever I do a flamboyant movement and this is sometimes used by my mind as justification that I'm gay. However I'm no longer repulsed by the idea of being gay, and am worried I am bisexual somehow.
This morning I watched gay porn and I felt ill and not aroused but I'm just not sure anymore, is this HOCD or am I in denial?