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First post here, where do i fit in? any opinion is welcomed

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First post here, where do i fit in? any opinion is welcomed

Postby sik » Thu Dec 19, 2019 7:51 pm

i've already explored my sexual identity and i believe im asexual (sex neutral/negative) and aromantic and im fine with these definitions. not that i need labels, but giving a name to what i feel and think is relieving for some reason.

as for gender its a bit more complicated… just recently i've come through the non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid/agender/demigender definitions. im not sure where do i fit in, if at all. here are the basics and i hope someone more informed than me could give me an opinion or suggestion or ask questions to help me better understand…

i was born with feminine bio/genitals. since i was little i remember id have liked to be a boy, i could identify myself more easily with male characters in tv shows/cartoons. i knew i was a girl but still i could feel there was a part of me who wanted to be a boy and in fact i acted like them a lot in the way i dressed, acted and played. not always but often. as for my genitals sometimes i'd envy the boys' penis but more often id just ignore the whole thing feeling i was just a kid, not girl and not boy… just too young to really be a girl or a boy… i was plainly just a kid! kind of genderless.

then, growing up, i kept dressing very sporty all my life. never worn a skirt and only in special occasion have i worn a dress. and with a lot of difficulty because it made me feel strange and out of place. i never used make up, here again, except for special events, and couldnt wait to wear it off. its very uncomfortable for me and makes me feel like im not me. but i would never dress up like a man. im not a man!

worst of it, its my boobs. i've always hated them since they started growing. i was hoping to have them very little size but they kept growing and they are bigger than i had hoped for. they're not giant and i can easily hide them but still… bigger than i had hoped for. i had even thought about getting surgery to reduce them but then i found out sport bras and with them i've felt a lot better. i almost always wear comfy/big tops to hide them the best i can too. i also have some sort of an ED because i know the skinnier i am the little my boobs are…. as for my bottom genitals…. its ok i guess. i just hate having my period. i know it serves to have babies but im not sure i want one… and im almost 38! i dont even think id want to be in a relationship again… not with men and not with women even though i kind of prefer very low levels of flirting with women then with men.

on the other side… often people have exchanged me for a boy/man and i was very hurt by that because it meant that i was only an ugly girl. and i actually dont think im very ugly, i just dont use make up and dress feminine… if i did, (and on the occasions i did), i could see i could have been a decent woman if i wanted to but…. i never really wanted.
moreover, thinking about being a man… no, thats not what id like… i love that manly bodies dont have boobs but i dont like the penis either. so i wouldnt like to have a manly body either. all protuberances are ugly in my opinion. i wish i could be flat in my chest and "down there" too.

as for attraction…. i have aestethical attraction mostly for anorexic women (legs, belly, chest and arms) and a very precise type of man face/hair. neither lead to sexual attraction.

i can feel sexual arousal very rarely. mostly by some specific scenarios/dynamics between people in tv shows (movies but especially tv series). and IRL, it has happened very rarely too by simple touch (not sexual) by both women and men. i hate kissing and i hope i'll never do it or have sex again. i only tried with men, but it wouldnt be appealing to me to try with women either. im just not into sex or kissing. the only thing i can stand (and like) is touch, but only when i can feel its not aiming to sex (even if it may convey the feeling that this other person, man or woman, is somehow interested in me).
i've been attracted both by girls and boys in my life, but i preferred it to stay a mental thing, not to act on those thoughts or feeling. because when they started to get physical i didnt really like it much (touch not sexual ok, kissing and sex not ok)

so basically i know im a woman (and dont mind being called with feminine pronouns), but dont like to make it show. i hide my feminine side even though sometimes, when i wanted to attract men to have a boyfriend, i could appreciate more feminine clothes, but as soon as i decide i dont want to attract anyone i go back wearing very sporty and im fine with it. wearing and acting more feminine is just a mean to attract someone that i easily give up when its done or im not interested anymore. i dont like manly or womanly bodies either. female without boobs or male without penis would be perfect…

i dont know…. can anyone help me understand, please? do i have gender identity issues or am i just a not feminine woman???
Thank you even for just reading… it was also reliving to just write this all down...
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Re: First post here, where do i fit in? any opinion is welcomed

Postby Snaga » Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:51 am

Well, to me you sound both somewhat asexual and androgynous. I'm almost the opposite I think. I would have long wished to present very much a female but have my boy bits, I feel both male and female. Also I am bisexual with desires for sexual contact with both sexes. If that makes any sense. Like we're both in the middle, but opposite sides of the same coin?

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