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I feel regret

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I feel regret

Postby Bunnyboo » Fri Nov 08, 2019 9:45 am

I'm 7 months on hormones. It's been really hard so far but I'm proud of myself. I knew going in that this was a lesser of two evils type of choice, just because the layers of bs are/were very visible to me. I also knew that I would have regrets, that id have a moment or two of feeling like I made the wrong decision. I also imagined that I'd get a penis envy occasionally if I saw a girl I wanted after my surgery, but that feeling has waned a lot. I also have moments where I feel like guys won't want me because I can't get pregnant, even though I know what guys can be like.....

I did mushrooms twice this last week. First trip was super potent I basically tripped balls super hard, saw cool stuff, can't remember much because it was too much and I lost my copability. 1 hour felt like 3. Second time we did them we still tripped hard, just not stupidly hard. We laughed a bit, talked a bit, watched hockey (lol), ate, had a moment, oh and I smeared lotion all over myself, anyways... Point is, I went to bed and after visualizing an alligator mouthed black lady eat a black boy and then hands caressing the snout, I saw how sad I was that I'll never have kids, I remembered the feeling so vividly, it hurts so much. I feel as if im a failure as an animal, nature wanted me to have babies and I turned my back on it.... plus I really thought I'd make a good mom...

My psychologist would probably tell me not to be so hard on myself. I both love and hate this life, but I definitely don't like it. I'll be okay, just venting.
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