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(Bio Male) Having trouble with my gender

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(Bio Male) Having trouble with my gender

Postby heythere39107 » Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:51 pm

I just CANNOT figure out if I'm gender dysphoric or what!? I'm very confused.

I can remember as early as 3 or 4 years old, with my mother in her bedroom, wrapping myself up in a blanket and pretending it was a dress, and telling her I wanted to be a girl. I remember her exact reply being "No you don't Ryan, girls are gross." I also remember as a kid a few times wanting to put on women's black boots that my mother had and feeling great. I also tried on her makeup when she was asleep probably at age 4 and her catching me.

I have always felt kind of a hatred for transgendered people, especially MtF and I could never explain why.

I have never been a very masculine boy (I don't play sports or anything) but I certainly was your average boy in elementary school. Then in middle school, I remember immediately being outasted and not fitting in with boys. I began to grow my hair out and wear skinny jeans and I got my ears pierced, but all of these things were quickly discouraged by my peers and now, in high school, I have stopped doing all of them. I was also very feminine in middle school because I had a lot of girl friends but I stopped doing that in high school as well as a result of bullying. I have never quite had distress over my male genitalia as gender dysphoric people often do, to the point of tears even. However, I'm now in grade 12 and almost 18 and I found myself interested in female underwear while working at a church, stacking bags of donated clothes. I stole a couple bras and panties and took them home and wore them, and it felt really good. I didn't think about it too much for a couple months and I've kept them hidden, but recently I've found that when masturbating I find it exciting to pretend that I am a girl and wear them when I am doing it. I started putting on makeup and girls clothes when I am alone and it makes me very excited like it was supposed to be. Suddenly the feelings of when I was a child have resurfaced. I now, unlike when I was feminine in middle school, am not very feminine at all. I'm also not exceptionally masculine. I do not play sports and I get anxiety when put into situations when I should act like a stereotypical male, because I feel that I can not fit in. I find manly things like sports or four-wheeling to be pointless and dumb. The only thing I'm really interested in is computer science and programming, which is technically male-precedented but generally a gender neutral activity. I am 6'3" and VERY scrawny with pale skin. I talk like a guy and can get along mostly easily with both guys and girls in school and at work (besides the fact that I am generally outcasted at school, of course.) I have a deep voice and I feel like I try very hard to seem masculine, but I don't know if that's because I am trying to hide internal gender dysphoria or simply because I want to fit in as a guy because I'm not very manly, and I'm trying to over compensate.

In the last week, I have really explored this curiosity, and I have begun to buy girls clothes and makeup and wear them when no one is around. The first day I did it, it felt very right and I felt happy. However as the days of the past week have progressed I feel less and less compelled by it which is what confuses me the most. I cannot tell if I want to be a male as I am or if I want to be a female. Nonetheless, I have literally spent the past 7 days thinking NONSTOP about this all day. In the first couple of days it made so much sense that I would be gender dysphoric because of the aforementioned things during my childhood that seemed to portray it well. And I know that usually gender dysphoria is something that children generally become aware of at a very young age. I told a couple of friends in private in the first couple days that I may be transgender, and they were have been very supportive. Now, at the end of the week, I am beginning to feel not really discomfort in wearing girls clothes, but more emotionless entirely, like I'm just used to it. But I'm still terrified to tell my parents. But I have began to regret telling those friends a bit just in case the feelings fade all together in the next few days. I'm just very very confused of what I want to be. I now look at transgender MtF's on YouTube and I am very jealous of how beautiful they are.

Let me add that I am very ashamed of this and I feel like that may be the cause of my loss of interest in the last couple days, that I may be just afraid to act like this in public. I can't really identify the emotions but I feel as though I may just be afraid of what people would say to me if I began to act feminine instead of my usual, plain ole boyish self. I will add that at any point in my entire life that I ever tried on girls clothes, it did feel very right. But now that I've really explored it for a week, I am seeming less interest or maybe I'm just trying to deny it to myself like I've done for 17 years.

I guess the main question here is can this be classified as early-on gender dysphoria that had been very early on discouraged and has since in my life been diluted by male stereotypes, and that's why I'm not very feminine? It's very unusual for a child as young as 3 or 4 to wish to be the opposite gender even verbally and feel as good as I did dressing as the opposite gender. Now that I think about it those early signs may have alarmed my mother and she may have asked a doctor how to discourage the acts, and maybe I just don't remember her negatively reinforcing the actions.

Anyway, sorry for the scrambled writing as I'm writing this in one shot as I think of it. But am I actually gender dysphoric but I just have been too influenced by male stereotypes in an attempt to fit in? Or is it something else? Thanks a lot guys, and I'll thank Snaga ahead of time because I just know he'll be all over this topic :P
heythere39107
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Re: (Bio Male) Having trouble with my gender

Postby heythere39107 » Thu Jul 07, 2016 12:02 am

Let me add that in the past few days that I've been exploring this identity crisis, I have felt very depressed and regretful that I did not recognize this sooner and get testosterone blockers before puberty did permanent masculine damage to me. I am also very insecure that I am ugly and I feel very ugly wearing girls clothes like I just could not fit in like the other MtF's. This may be another reason that I am having doubts, just more denial due to embarrassment. In any event, if this denial does exist it's very subconscious and I'm only guessing that it is truly there. I'm not exactly a psychologist :P
heythere39107
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Posts: 22
Joined: Thu May 26, 2016 10:41 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 04, 2020 12:40 am
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