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Helpful or overbearing

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Helpful or overbearing

Postby NotFunAnymore » Wed Sep 11, 2019 12:07 pm

My husband is aware of my gambling problem and is trying his best to be supportive and I love him for that but some of the things he does and says I don't like. A friend of his called him the other day and they were talking on speaker phone about the football game and his friend mentioned that he won some money by betting with another friend and my husband immediately asked his friend to not talk about that in front of me because I am doing so well with not gambling. That embarrassed me so much but I didn't say anything because I know he is just trying to help and trying to shield me.
The other thing is going to mall. The casino is about a 10 minute drive from the mall and I wanted to go to the mall but he said I couldn't go to the mall. I ended up not going because I don't want him to worry but this is not okay. I am going to have to go to the mall one day. I don't know how to get him to back off. I love that he wants to protect me but I don't want him to be overbearing.

I know he is along for the ride with me in all of this but how do we strike a balance?

I can be very prideful at times and for this reason I need to be careful. I almost want to go to a casino just to prove to myself and my husband that I can handle it but I know this is part of the trick to get me to gamble again. Why would that thought pop into my head? I have a choice and I am exercising that choice. Instead of going to the casino I am venting to you guys.
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Sep 11, 2019 12:50 pm

How long have you been gamble-free now , NFA ?

It may take quite a bit of time before your husband trusts you to stay that way . It's hard to deal with but the only things that will ease his mind are your actions and your continued recovery . It stinks to be made to feel like you can't be trusted but look at the underlying reasons - he probably desperately wants you to succeed and is taking no chances . I mean , NONE .

If you are still early in recovery , and by early I mean less than a year , it's going to be tough to swallow your pride and let him " protect " you from gambling but I think it would be best to allow him this , to a certain extent . You can always reassure him - maybe something like " Thank you for looking out for me but I didn't get any urges to gamble when I heard Friend talking the other day . Isn't that great ? " .

This addiction doesn't only affect us . It impacts those we love too .

And it's great that you came here to vent ! Personally , in my first 6-8 months of recovery , I drove 30 minutes out of my way going to work every day simply to avoid going past the casino where I used to gamble . I walked away from conversations with certain friends as soon as gambling was mentioned - " Oops , gotta go ! It's time to water the cat ." ( or any other excuse I could come up with ). Sure , it inconvenienced me quite a bit but in the end , having zero exposure to gambling served me well . It won't last forever .
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby 58gambling » Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:36 pm

Notfunanymore: I agree with NSR. Trust is something that takes a lot of time to regain.
You don't like that your husband is "overbearing"?....you want to prove your ability to control yourself by going back to the casino? You won't like this but you are in some form of denial...you should be happy that your husband cares enough to try to control your sick addiction...you can't prove that you're "cured" of this in a day, week, or month.....or even years....the proof will take the rest of your life...we all know that....face it, be honest with yourself, and think about it...there will also come a time when you think you can go back to gambling, because you think you can control it....we've all been there, done that....the embarrassment you feel being known as a gambler should be enough testament to the wrongness you already feel within yourself...the question is whether you REALLY want to stop being a gambler....
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby Spinster » Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:48 pm

It's an awful feeling, NFA. It took me a long time to realize that you can't choose how people react, and you can't choose the way in which they "help". Luckily, you're at least getting support from your husband, it's just not the kind of support that fits neatly into the fantasy you've created in your mind. Can you maybe plan a trip to the mall together, or take a girlfriend, just to build in a little accountability into your first trip? Then maybe you and your husband could decide a day when you make the trip alone, and treat it as an "event". When you come home, treat yourself for resisting the urge to stop by the casino. Like, talk him into cooking you a special dinner or something as a reward :)

Heck maybe you could even do a couples challenge! Does he need to lose weight, or work out, or spend less time on the computer? It might be fun if he had a little skin in the game and you could each do a little self-improvement.

Wishing you the best!
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby Aries411 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:53 pm

Interesting post NFA,

Once my wife found out about my addiction, she wanted to 'help' out by suggestion many things I should do. I found it overwhelming and it led to a few arguments. I know that she meant well and some of it was anger too (kinda like making me do all these things as punishment), but eventually it toned down because it is exhausting micromanaging someones addiction. Then she would blame me for not doing things and not caring about my recovery...

For you, it is tough to find the right thing to do. On one side, you can't tell you husband that the mall won't trigger you because your husband won't believe you and will treat that as you are looking for a way to stay close to the casino and he worries you might go. On the other side, it doesn't make sense to never go to the mall again, which would lead to another question - When would he eventually allow you to go to the mall?

One thing you can try is to agree on a time frame from which you won't go to the mall (I am thinking a few months). After which, you do small 30 min trips to the mall where there is no likelihood of going to the casino. Afterwards, he might be OK with you going to the mall in time.

Its kinda similar to me and sports. I am a sports bettor and I also like watching sports. My wife fears that watching sports will trigger me and pretty much wants to ban me from ever watching it. Up until now, she is still not OK with me watching sports, but to help her feel more comfortable, I tell her in my blog any instances I do watch sports and how I feel when watching it (where there any thoughts about gambling? Where there any urges to gamble?) so that everything is disclosed.
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby NotFunAnymore » Thu Sep 12, 2019 1:51 am

[quote="Aries411"]Interesting post NFA,

Once my wife found out about my addiction, she wanted to 'help' out by suggestion many things I should do. I found it overwhelming and it led to a few arguments. I know that she meant well and some of it was anger too (kinda like making me do all these things as punishment), but eventually it toned down because it is exhausting micromanaging someones addiction.

I had all day to think about this and I put myself in his shoes. If these tables were turned I would do the same for him. I would worry about him and try to ensure he has roadblocks and boundaries in place. I would do this out of love and concern.

We talked this evening and I explained how I am feeling and he said that great however, he is going to continue to do what he thinks is best for me. He said it's going to be a while before I know you are "SAFE". And I simply said "THANK YOU"!
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby NotFunAnymore » Thu Sep 12, 2019 2:03 am

[quote="Spinster"]It's an awful feeling, NFA. It took me a long time to realize that you can't choose how people react, and you can't choose the way in which they "help". Luckily, you're at least getting support from your husband, it's just not the kind of support that fits neatly into the fantasy you've created in your mind.

Spinster, you are so right! It is wonderful to have my husband's support to help me through this. I do tend to view things through rose colored glasses and expect things to always go the way I want them to go and when they don't I try to force it.
After letting this settle on my mind all day and reading the comments I realized help is a beautiful gift and I need all the help I can get. So, from this day forward I am going to accept my husbands help in anyway he chooses to give it.

Thank you for your well wishes.
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby NotFunAnymore » Thu Sep 12, 2019 2:36 am

NSR,

I have been gamble free for just 25 days - 25 great days but still just 25 days. It's unrealistic for me to think that my husband wouldn't be worried about me going to the mall. Part of his concern is that he is at work and he knows bordum is one of my triggers. I told him that I have plenty to do and I wanted to get some new throw pillows. Instead of going to the mall he has promised to help me shop online for pillows :D . That's the best compromise.

This addiction doesn't only affect us . It impacts those we love too .
You're right about that. I know this affects him too because he loves me and the best for me. I just don't want him caring for me to become a chore for him or a burden. I think that is why I am so in a rush to get past this stage but I also know if I rush I may miss something and have to start all over again.

For dinner I had a big slice humble pie and washed it down with a glass of gratitude.

I plan to steer clear of those kinds of conversations and any routes to the casino.

Thank you for your insight.
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Re: Helpful or overbearing

Postby NotFunAnymore » Thu Sep 12, 2019 3:07 am

‪58gambling‬,

I agree the thought of proving my control by returning to the casino was a crazy thought but I acknowledged it and quickly moved past it. I wanted to be honest about what I was feeling and thinking.

I appreciate the warning that I may one day think I have this addiction under control and try to return to gambling but I hope that the moment I begin to let my guard down is the very moment I remember your reply.

To answer your question as well as my own, do I really want to stop gambling? The answer is YES! This is a hard road but I am doing it day by day. Today was a little more challenging than other days have been but I made it through one more day without gambling. I had some dumb thoughts but I still made good choices which lead to one more gamble free day.

Thank you for the tough love - some of us need it.
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