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I am such a weak person

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I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 9:23 am

Hi all,

I posted on this forum Sat Nov 29, 2014 with a topic (gambling is killing me... please help) and I had shared what happened in the past and where I was that time.

People here suggested me few things, I understood that and changed my lifestyle and came completely out of this stupid gambling BUT, here I am again after 5 years in the same situation and it feels like killing myself as how can I be so dumb and useless.

To start with, in my last post I mentioned that I was in UK and had problems because of gambling and was sitting in the room thinking to make my months rent with last money left by playing poker. Then after getting help from this forum I talked to my flatmate and gave him all my cards and other things.
But (I dont know if my faltmate did the right thing or not) he told my office manager about this gambling thing and also told that I took money from few office colleagues. Because of this my manager ended my contract and sent me back to India, I was earning double in UK what I used to earn in India and it was a big loss for me.

I though how will I come out of this debt? but I knew gambling is not the solution so I started looking for a new job and BOOM !! I got one with a very good salary (As good as I was earning in UK), in the mean while I was also blessed with a baby boy and things were coming back to place. After 3 years I paid everything back and was debt free with my wife and kid and a good salary.

One day I got a job offer from Germany with very good salary, I opted for it and came to Germany. Work and job was really good and I am working here since last few years, I was also under impression and happy that gambling is illegal in Germany so I cannot gamble here and was very happy about it.

One day a colleague of mine was betting on a cricket match , I saw that and asked him "isnt it illegal here?", he said No. Not at all, THAT IT!! THE sleeping devil inside me started playing with my mind.

I tried controlling but after 7 days I created an online account. I had a savings of 15000 Euros, need not to say... thats all gone and I am in a debt of 70000 Euros in just 1.5 years.

I am such a weak person and really dont know what to do to myself. If my family will come to know about this, I will lose them for sure this time.

My wife and kid will be joining me in Germany after 2 months and I have nothing left with me(Luckily I booked their fligh tickets earlier else I would have gambled that money for sure ).

Yesterday I decided, that I will take charge of the situation and will again take one step at a time, this too shall pass!

But my main concern is, how to kill this addiction completely. If I can get into it in 2 minutes after being gamble free for 2.5 years then it can come again and again and again....

How to kill it completely? I have good job, beautiful wife and kid, very helping family... almost everything is perfect except this gambling s#$@.

Please help me, Its so embarrassing coming here again asking for help when not following it. Seems like I am wasting time of you guys as well.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Aries411 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:47 am

Hey Shanky,

I am sorry to hear about your relapse. Once you get that little voice in your head that maybe you can gamble a bit, it is almost impossible to stop it. A similar thought process occured to me which caused my second relapse. My wife handles all the finances and I give her my cheques each month and carry no cash with me. After a few years of abstinence, I came across some cash that my wife didn't know about. My mind though "She doesn't know about this, so why don't you gamble a bit. Once its gone, it will be back to normal". Once I decided to play, I was a zombie and no amount of rational thinking would have stopped me from gambling that money. That incident showed how engained this addiction is in our wiring and I learned a few things that day..
- Abstinence is not the same as Recovery. I abstained for a long time, but was not mentally prepared for any bumps in the road
- Deep down, I still wanted to gamble. I still do! But I am much more aware of the consequences each time that thought pops up
- This is lifelong. The path of recovery is lifelong and if I want to be success and never gamble again, I need to get use to the lifestyle that involves recovery.

You have had success in the past Skanky, so I know you have the tool to get back on that path of recovery!
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:58 am

Thank you so much for your reply mate.

Yes, I happens to me as well. When I start playing, even if I am winning or losing I just keep on playing like a zombie and next day morning I feel like kicking myself. Every morning I talk to myself that "what is wrong with you? ".

Whenever I start betting with a fresh mind and its the first bet of the day I win 99 times out of 100, so like a stupid gambler I decided only 1-2 bets a day and when you are up even 100 Euros then quit for the day and again start fresh tomorrow but, after 2 bets when I am ahead I keep on doing it till I lose it all. It happened more than 20 times, Seems like there is another person inside me.

I tried everything but everything but failed every single time. Now I just want to forget everything and move ahead to have a gamble free life. I know I can do it, but its going to take another 2-3 years and I will be 37 by that time with no savings of my own.

If I calculate overall I lost around 200,000 Euros in this black hole, with this money I could have done so many things for myself and family.

Anyway, I will start again.. as they say -- knowledge, skills and character are the only things that no one can take from you--every minute you spend on learning something is well spent.

I learned it hard way, I HOPE I will not repeat it!!

Cheers,
Shanky
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Thu Aug 01, 2019 8:21 am

i gambled again and lost another 2000 Euros in 2 days. I already owe money to 9 friends and have 2 bank loans. I am getting suicidal thoughts in my mind but face of my 4 years old kid comes in my mind when I think of doing something.

I need some help, I want to talk to someone. Please help me, I am so worried right now and dont know what to do. How will I pay this debt as I am already living paycheck to paycheck and have no savings at all. Please someone talk to me. I am shattered :(
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Aries411 » Thu Aug 01, 2019 10:55 am

Hey Shanky,

I am sorry to hear that you lost another 2K. Even though you had a lot of resolve 2 days, your actions don't surprise me. Right now, you are in the cycle of addiction and it is very hard to think properly and huge debt that you dealing with seems insurmountable. I think that is the trap that all addict fall into, we think that gambling (the thing that got us into this financial mess) is how we will get out of it. Well if you play the tape forward, you and everyone else here knows how it ends.

There are many threads here on how to deal with our losses, but ultimately, you will have to find a way to make that money in the honest way. For me, I still owe about $60K but I am trying to deal with my debt while still living my life. I want to gradually pay it off over the next 15 years, but do not want to sacrifice my lifestyle for it or else it becomes too hard. Others have a different approach which is to reduce it as fast a possible, which has many pros and cons as well.

Regardless, you need set up barriers between you and gambling and never believe that gambling is a way to reduce your debt. It never will. It would be best to review your finances to see what you need and don't need to see where you can save money.

Keep posting with your questions and concerns and we'll always be here to help with what we can.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby PcZ » Fri Aug 02, 2019 5:58 am

Hello Shanky,

First of all you're not alone. Secondly, you need to do something about this addiction. I offer you to search for GA meetings near you, people there will help you, understand you without blaming for what you've done.
My story is the same as yours, when i stopped gambling almost 4 years ago I had debt that i couldn't even count: banks, friends, credit cards, loved ones i owned money to everyone.
I started paying for banks firstly, then started answering phone calls from friends, explained that i will try pay little by little. After 3 years i paid bank loans and credits I still owe money for friends but I started living my real life, not illusion with lights, fake smiles, and spinning wheels.
For a start you should stop counting how much you lost and take actions, go to GA meeting, wish you the best. We can beat this addiction!
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Fri Aug 02, 2019 7:46 am

Thanks for your reply Aries PcZ.

Another update, today I checked my bank account and found that because I gambled that 2000 Euros, I am short of my house rent which was supposed to be transferred yesterday and I havent transferred it yet. May be because of this I will lose the house as my landlord is a very strict person.

My wife and kid are coming in Sept and probably I will have no place to live when they will be here. I am feeling so sick right now!!! I have no one left here from whom I can ask for money...

PcZ as you suggested for GA meetings but the problem is I am in Germany and only speak English where as they have these meetings here in German.

I think I came to a dead end which was long due!! There is no way out, I have dug a hole which cannot be filled now and I cannot take this pressure anymore. I want to sleep with peace of mind, want to have a normal life.

Every single moment I just pray that its just a bad dream and please GOD take me few days back, I will not make this mistake again.

Friends, from who I borrowed the money are my office colleagues and they will chase me for money for sure after a month or two. This thing will spread in the office and everyone will look at me as a loser thinking that I owe money to almost everyone in office.

I am sorry but I am writing whatever is coming in my mind. I am so disturbed right now that I cannot write in the flow, my mind is jumping from one topic to another.

I never did anything wrong to anyone and tried to help everyone I can and as much as I can, but I dont know why this happened to me. I call my mom everyday and talk as in everything is normal but I feel like crying so hard after giving her a hug but, I cant do that because if she will come to know that I did betting again I will lose her.

I WISH I HAVE NOT DONE THIS MISTAKE!!! I WISH!!

I dont know if my family will read this someday, but if they do and by the time if I am not alive I just want to tell them that I love them and I was not a bad person. This disease was so powerful that I was not able to fight.

Thank you so much to you guys for standing beside me and supporting me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby PcZ » Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:17 am

Most of us were in this situation. Go to GA meeting, there will be one or two English speaking people for sure. Tell that you really need support before you have done something bad.
Believe me financian problems are solved easy, hardest thing to do is solve relationships with loved one's because they don't understand what addiction is and how strong it can be. My parents asked how you lost this amount of money in this short period? Because I'm addicted and without help I can't do anything.
Go into GA page and search for meeting asap. Think about your kid, who wants to be with you, without gambling you will have alot time with family and alot time to solve financial problems, maybe you will find second job like I did.
Believe me I was feeling suicidal 2015 12 16 and then found GA group and this forum. We are with you!
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby NewSunRising » Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:23 am

I'm sorry you're going through this Shanky but it isn't the end - not even close . You have the ability to recover from this and take back your life . It won't be easy and it won't be quick but it will happen if you fight this disease with all you've got . Money can be earned . Debt can be managed and repaid over time . But unless you get control over the compulsion to gamble , you will find yourself in the same desperate situation over and over again . You are a good person - a good person with a bad disease , just like me and everyone else here .

You need a battle plan . Talk to your landlord , give him as much money as you can scrape up and promise to pay the rest with the next month's rent . Go out and look for a second job - anything you can find no matter how little it pays . Get yourself to a GA meeting even if you don't speak the language . PcZ is right . It's very possible that there will be someone there that speaks some English and even if they don't , it will give you a place to go where you are surrounded by people who have the same goal - to live their lives free from gambling addiction .

Depression goes hand in hand with gambling addiction . Once you stop gambling and focus on repairing the damage , even the little progress you make will help rebuild your self-esteem . You are not a weak person . You're a normal person fighting a powerful and destructive addiction .

It's a battle that you can win . Make the decision , make your plan , know that you can do this . We'll help you any way we can .
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Aries411 » Fri Aug 02, 2019 12:30 pm

I wanted to second some of the great advice that you have received.

PcZ wrote:Believe me financian problems are solved easy, hardest thing to do is solve relationships with loved one's because they don't understand what addiction is and how strong it can be


This is so hard for people to see until after you have had a bit of time of recovery. That debt makes the gambling addiction seem like a financial problem, but its really the effect and the void that gambling filled in us that causes us to be this way. Under the right circumstances, ANYONE could have been a gambling addict.

NewSunRising wrote:You need a battle plan


Its great to say you want to quit and want to change, but without making a plan, you will never fix the financial situation or succeed at recovery. No one every stops this addiction because they want to do it, they need to take many actions. You will probably need a second job. Throw yourself into work so that you can earn more and have less time to gamble. Distractions are an excellent way to gain gamble free time at the start.

As people have said, we are here with you and understand your thoughts and action all too well. I will be thinking of you over the weekend and hope that you post more.
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