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I am such a weak person

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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Thu Aug 08, 2019 8:09 am

Hello rainbowcolor,

Thank you so much for your reply and motivating me. Yes, to make it happen I have to believe in it.

Day 5: Nothing much to update, it was a quite and calm day. As mentioned in my previous post I only spent money yesterday on food and nothing else. Took a walk from home to office and office to work. No smoking, no drinking.

Yesterday I saw a dream that I was gambling again and losing money and I suddenly woke up and had the same feeling which I used to have after losing money, but after realizing that its just a dream I was calm. What a disease it is!!!

One more Gamble free day!! More to Come.

Total Debt: 82459 Euros

Cheers,
Shanky
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby adrianjky » Thu Aug 08, 2019 11:47 pm

Reading your updates helps me heal mentally.. I can only keep this problem inside me because I’m just too ashamed to let anyone know.. I’ve got a baby on the way as well.. I have to stop starting today.. can’t let this drag on.. this forum has given me hope! Thanks for the updates.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Fri Aug 09, 2019 8:44 am

Hello guys I am back!!

Day 6:

So yesterday a funny thing happened and I would like to know your views on this.

I have a strong determination, not to put my money in gambling.... not even one single penny. Yesterday, I got an email from one of the betting site that you got a 5 Euros free bet. I deleted the mail the moment I saw it and was in office keeping myself busy till evening, but somewhere in my mind I had this information there is a free bet available and another part of my mind was telling me not to play as I have decided, WHICH WAS MUCH STRONGER.

It seems like I was having a proper argument within myself that should I play or not? and I told myself that with these 5 Euros, the same thing is going to happen what happened with your other thousands of Euros. Still the urge was so strong, so to prove it to myself I put that 5 Euros on a random tennis match assuming that this is not 5 Euros but 500 Euros and told myself see how it will be gone and then put down the phone and went to bed.

In the night I got some wierd dreams about betting and suddenly I woke up and remembered to check my bet to show myself that 5 Euros are gone but no, I won some 3.60 Euros. I was disappointed and half in my sleep I opened one random basketball game and put this amount on under total points in some match and went to bed again saying, now its gone and cut this crap.

Morning when I woke up it was some 6.30 Euros in my accout, I unfortunately won this bet as well. I dont know why I was so frustrated!!! In the past I have lost a lot of money on table tennis matches becuase of trying to make quick money. So this time to throw this money away I put this money on some random table tennis match which was supposed to start in 6 minutes and went to take shower. This time I was sure that I will lose this money and this chapter will be closed.

After Shower when I came back and checked I had some 11 Euro and few cents in my account. WTF!!! I was laughing at this $#%^ from inside!

I was getting ready for my office and I put this 11 Euros and few cents again on some running Table Tennis match, this time not on match winner but on game winner and to my utter shock, this time I had 18 Euro and 90 cents in my account. I ######6 won this bet as well. 4 bets in a row!

Then I thought minimum withdraw amount in this site is 10 Euros and 19 Euros should be enough for 1 months phone bill so I withdrew these 19 Euros!!

Now I have a mixed feeling, Why I gambled at the first place? As there is not point telling lies in this forum, I am telling honest to GOD that my real intention was to lose that money and to remind myself what happend in the past but this happened. I cant remember when I won 4 bets in a row last time.

Have I done something wrong?

The best thing is, even after winning 4 bets in a row I dont have this feeling of gambling and I dont want to put any money in this $#%^. I HAVE NO FEELING OF GAMBLING OR MAKING MONEY FROM GAMBLING!!! During these 4 bets I remembered that sick feeling which I used to have while gambling and honestly today I am feeling more stronger that after doing 4 bets and that also after winning all those 4 I am not at all having that feeling of gambling!!!

I would like to know your views on this.


Rest everything is fine, life is moving on day by day!!

Total Debt: 82461

Cheers,
Shanky
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Aries411 » Fri Aug 09, 2019 1:11 pm

Hey Shanky,

Thanks for the update. I am happy you are posting each day and since your resolve is so strong right now, those temptations from gambling won't affect you right now. As for the free bet, it is something that I would never touch now. I don't want any reason to make my defenses against the addiction any weaker because even though it may not affect me now, those thoughts of 4 wins in a row might pop into my head at a later time. A weaker time.

It is good to try different things in recovery. Anything that may give us a new insight that tells us that gambling is not worth it, that you always end up losing in gambling and that gambling is something we don't need to have in our lives to make us happy.

Keep up these updates. I look forward to reading them each day :D (I did a similar thing with a journal and lasted 1 year before stopped)
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:13 am

[Day 13]

Aries411,

You were right, you were absolutely right!!!

Just that 5 Euro free bet was sufficient to kill my dedication and motivation! That bet winning streak was somewhere in back of my mind and one of a friend called me to ask for money and he was not ready to wait. Discussion was getting ugly so I told him that I will give you the money in 3-4 days. I was supposed to pay him 1200 Euros. So somehow I managed fill my betting account with 380 Euros and started playing to pay him back. My target was to reach 1200 +380 =1580 Euros and then withdrawal.

But I kept on playing and won few more bets in a row, my account at the end of the day was 3127 Euros. I had sufficient amount to withdraw BUT, as a typical gambling addict I thought that like this I can clear the rest of the debt as well.

I withdrew 1400 Euros and started playing with Remaining balance and won 300 Euros more, then I lost a bet .... Thats it, chase started, destruction started .... and the whole money was gone in few hours.

Balance in betting account was 0.. But I was happy that somewhat I managed the payment to payback my friend. Next day the money which I withdrew to pay my friend was in my account and another thought came to my mind(Look how powerful this addiction is), that use this 1400 Euros and you can do it again!!

Do I need to say rest? YES, you are right the money was gone in few hours and Overall I was -380.

Still my mind was not in the right place and I started thinking options to get more money. I called a friend of mine(I hardly met him 2-3 times so I dont know if I should say "friend", don't talk to him often) and asked him if he can transfer me 1500 Euros because I have some emergency. He did that in just 20 minutes and I put that money again in my account.

Created a bet slip of 3 games of tennis, 700 Euros stake and potential return was around 3600 Euros. Out of 3, 2 games I won already and the third one was in final set. I could have cashed out 1350 around Euros but no, I waited. It was my player who was serving and there was a break. Score was 1-2 and I panicked As cashout amount came down to 470 something... I did not knew what to to and I cashed out 425 Euros. 2 Games later my player did the re-break and then a break, finally ended up winning that match.

I was furious why the hell I did not waited? I could have won 3600 Euros, I think some of you can related to my situation. Chasing the loss started again, I made another bet and lost it. At the end of the day 1500 were gone.

This friend of mine to whom i was supposed to 1200 Euros, started calling me. So I asked my wife if she can transfer me some money. She did and the money is in my account.

I told this guy that I will make the transfer on Monday, today is Friday and my mind is telling me to gamble with this money over the weekend so that you can pay your friend and pay your wife back.

Even my wife didnt asked for the money back but I want to pay her back.

Sad part is, when I was talking to my wife asking her to transfer me the money and told her that I will return in few days. She said not needed, anyway I am leaving my job and coming to you to Germany, you keep that money and we will use it for our kid as in Germany we will need some extra money for initial setup and we will also go out to visit some places. So keep it and no need to return. After listening to this, I had so much guilt in my mind and I cried after putting down the phone.

Ohh GOD!! Why? why? Why I started gambling. I earned a hell lot of money in my life so far, have beautiful family, awesome job. Why the hell I started gambling? Why GOD?

I am feeling sick at the moment and dont know how to control my mind.

Please help.

Total Debt: 85366

Stupid Gambler,
Shanky
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Aries411 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:20 pm

That cycle of borrowing, gambling, losing, repeat, is a cycle many of us know too well. That borrowing may be from credit cards, banks, friends or family. Dealing with online bets is much harder than casinos because of the accessibility and the sheer number of betting sites. I kept self-excluding and then creating new accounts with other sites. I think I had an account with every betting site accessible in Canada. To get out of this cycle, you need to to everything you can to distract yourself from gambling for the first few weeks or months. After getting out of the fog, your head clears and it becomes easier to fight urges and then you can really begin your recovery.

Please self-exclude from all your betting sites. I don't remember if there is a GA near you, but I would definitely look into it.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby PcZ » Fri Aug 16, 2019 5:01 pm

Shanky,

Listen, for us gamblers there is no such a thing as free bet, free spin, free money. You start and you end losing thousands, i did it X times.
So, if you are serious about stopping gambling, start GA meetings or psychological theraphy, search what is best for you. Do it for yourself and for your family.
This addiction is full of lies, borrowing, hiding from loved ones, you don't need this anymore believe me, if you think you can win it back, all you can get is bigger debt.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby Notlookingback » Sat Aug 17, 2019 3:35 pm

It is similar to the law of gravity. What goes up, must come down. The rule of compulsive gambling is that whatever money is put in play, you must lose it all.
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby joetheloser » Sat Aug 31, 2019 3:48 am

It's been 14 days since you posted how is everything
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Re: I am such a weak person

Postby shanky1987 » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:46 am

Day 33:

Hi,

I am posting here after so many days because was busy in making my life a little bit stable and to get a time out from this hell where I have put myself.

Updates:

Debts increase in last days as I had few unexpected expenses came up for the travel of my family but the good part is that I did not gambled. By the way I have blocked ALL my possible options to gamble and this is the rock bottom where I am right now. So the only way from here is up.

I am yet to discuss this with my family but I dont want them to suffer because of my mistakes, they already did a lot. My wife got some idea but I told her that everything is fine, the last thing I want in this mess is losing my wife and the kid.

No one will understand that this is a disease and what I am going through.

People are putting a lot of pressure asking me to return the money and it feels like I am dying every single day. Every single day is a struggle and I am cutting down on so many things. Had so many experiences in last few days which made me felt SO EMBARRASSED, but I am facing it because I have to. I made the mistakes so only I should pay for that.

Still I get suicidal thoughts sometimes but I am not a coward. Now a days I started cutting on food as well, which I dont want to but have to.

Today in the news I saw that Vice President of a very big company committed a fraud of 5.6 million Dollars to pay off poker gambling debt and got arrested. He was having the same debt as mine, atleast I not thinking of doing such stupid things.

I will pay every penny back but with my hard work not by cheating someone.

Anyway I will keep you posted. Feeling very very low now a days but I believe this too shall pass.

Total Debt: 92100 Euros
Number of people I owe money: 26
Bank Loans: 3

Shanky.
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